Admitting to myself that I had depression and anxiety was hard, but now I'm in a much better place

On my way home on the train with my Dad after having a massive panic attack at university in London, was when I first acknowledged to myself that I needed some help. Physically, the panic attack was the worst I’d ever had, and I ended up being carted off in an ambulance, alone in a big city. I was scared because I thought I was about to die. But what scared me even more, is that for a second, I had a thought, that if I had died, I really wouldn’t have cared. Even now, on the long but steady road to feeling better, I find it really hard to come to terms with the memory of that thought.

It really is hard to describe what it feels like to be depressed

It really is hard to describe what it feels like to be depressed, I don’t think that I ever could. Or at least, I could never describe it in a way that would give significant resonance to how it really feels. As a creative person, finding ways to express how I feel comes naturally to me, but when it comes to expressing how depression and anxiety have affected me, it’s like I’m scared to even let it out, because then it would give life to the ‘thing’ that has been so dark and awful.

I just felt as if I had lost all control of myself

Things started to spiral whilst I was on holiday. Everything should have been perfect. I’d got into a top uni, we were staying in a beautiful place. But for me, nothing much seemed beautiful. I, had this terrible feeling that something very awful was going to happen. I knew then that it wasn’t logical, but that didn’t help to ease the intensity of. I cried hysterically and told my boyfriend that I knew I was going to fail, and that I was a disappointment to everybody. I was terrified to be alone with my thoughts.

I spent a lot of my time alone at uni, and things only got worse. I was convinced that I wasn’t good enough to be on my course and that I wasn’t like anybody else. It was like my mind was on overdrive, and it was a voice in my head was just saying over and over ‘you can’t do it’. I could literally hear myself saying it, and once I even said it out loud without realising. I really felt as if I was losing my mind, I felt so unexplainably out of control. I thought that If I couldn’t even control what I was thinking or saying, what was I capable of? I worried that because I thought I was ‘going crazy’, I wouldn’t know what I was doing and I would hurt myself. What if I just can’t stop myself from jumping in front of that train coming towards me? I didn’t want to do that, I just felt as if I had lost all control of myself. I felt as though my mind was so weak, that It wouldn’t be able to stop me. It’s a truly awful feeling to think that you have no control. I was in a very dark place.

Admitting it to myself was the hardest thing of all

For a long time, I refused to say that I was depressed. I was so ashamed. I thought that people would think I had no reason to be depressed or they would say I was 'mental', and that they wouldn’t want to be around me. Admitting it to myself was the hardest thing of all, because those negative and completely false assumptions had come from me. It felt like admitting I was crazy, and a failure, with no reason to be the way I was.

It's very important that people are not ashamed

Now, I am in a much better place. I was given the support from loved ones to talk, and people listened. It is through talking, that I learnt about mental health problems like depression and my increased understanding made it far easier to accept it for myself. I do have ups and downs, but releasing myself from the stigma that I had has allowed me to see that I do not need to be ashamed. It’s very important that people are not ashamed and that they feel able to talk, to anybody that they want too. In my opinion, it is the affirmation that you are not alone that will be the best support you will ever receive.

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Comments

inspiration

Very inspirational and very beautiful

Really great to hear your story

Well done for sharing your story, it really takes a lot to lift yourself out of those negative feelings and beliefs that depression can bring us. Can especially relate with how you say its difficult to describe how depression is. I was in a similar situation, at uni last year on the ideal course for me and I really piled up so much anxiety and the last thing I wanted was to admit to myself I was depressed and it's been a far bigger deal actually facing that I've been making it harder on myself for blaming myself for breaking down because for a long while i just sort of 'got used to' feel that low. I really admire you for raising this, hope that you are containing to cope well and stay strong and may you and your blog spread more awareness like this- I feel really blessed to have found there are other people who can speak out about mental health issues without fear :)

Depression

Your story means a lot to me & thank you for sharing it. The hardest part of my depression was admitting it to myself. I'm a stubborn old goat

I know what you mean...

Admitting it to yourself is hard. I used to get really hurt when my family would point out I had in their words "some sort of anxiety problem" Years later now that I'm in my 20s I found turning to social media helped. You're definitely not alone - I still get embarrassed from time to time when people in my working industry follow me on Twitter and see that I've been tweeting about having OCD and anxiety. But I always remember that if I didn't have these illnesses I would probably be happier but then I wouldn't be as focused on what I do. Always remember the positive things you can take away from it. It makes you you and there's probably aspects that make you great that you wouldn't have without anxiety!! Best of luck, be proud!

the affirmation that you are not alone............

I had not fully realised or indeed admitted that I had had a black dog since my teens until it came to a head during long term unemployment after redundancy. I would have been happy to crawl under a rock and die. Once I was prepared to talk openly to others I found that so many others (some of whom I had known for years) began to open up and speak of their own mental health issues and as you say that is the best support ever to discover that you are not alone and as companions in a common situation you are then able to encourage one another. Seven years on the black dog has not gone away completely but is under control and my life is simpler and happier. By the way, I have secured a change of work direction as a charity fundraiser and my experiences have enabled me to show greater empathy to those who are struggling.

Hello

I know how it feel holly I went to specal school field my gcesx and didn't want to do six from As feel I would fail again my life has up,and down a lot of my relateship fail so then Move out to the new fail one looking at new home place in Hampshire the Langton commuity As feel it would be better as there would not be the only new one in.thenhouse As we would all be new at the sometime and they might understand what move out is like But friends family keep me going hopefully happy home one day I hope Just how and when I what I want my life to be but who know What will happen dreams are not easy to happen when u are disabled like me But that's life I didnt not choose to be disabled and that path in my life It was choice for me witch makes life harderd

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