Am I depressed? I couldn't admit it to myself or anyone else

Submitted by -Mel- on Wed, 06/02/2013 - 9:08am

Mel, a Time to Change blogger Some people will scoff when I say I've been spurred on to write my thoughts out as candidly as I'm about to by a song in the charts. Listening to the radio a song really jumped out at me recently by Kelly Clarkson entitled 'Dark Side',

"Everybody's got a dark side.
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect,
but we're worth it,
you know that we're worth it.
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?"

I'm a very musical person and I absolutely love nothing more than really listening to the lyrics and searching for my own meanings. Music has the power to lift my mood completely or offer me a comfort blanket during some of my less than good times. And this song really spoke to me and was the 'light bulb moment' for me to sit down and write what I'm about to.

I struggle with depression.

Am I depressed? I couldn't possibly be

That's a pretty big thing for me to write because for so long I have battled against an internal monologue in my head convincing me that I couldn't possibly be depressed, that I was just having a bad day/week/month and I'd get over it eventually.

I feared that if I mentioned the word 'depression' to anyone I'd be met with prejudice and laughter. I've got away with that because for the most part my moods are cyclical. I can go a few months getting on with life like I'm supposed to and then suddenly I'll crash head first into this brick wall and the darkness will descend, making it almost impossible for me to function 'normally.'

I'm terrified to tell people about my depression

I have one of the best support-networks anyone could ask for but none of them know the true extent of my struggle because I'm terrified to even admit to myself that there's a problem. If I can't do that then there is no way I'm going to open up to my loved ones. I'm scared that if this gets out into the open then I'll somehow destroy the harmony of everyone's worlds, in particular my husband and mine.

Our relationship isn't perfect, it takes work, but then I think every relationship is a constant series of ups and downs. And I think the biggest problem is my mental health struggles. It’s a black cloud over our joint happiness and it's always going to follow us if I don't do something about it.

Depression brings a third angle to our relationship that I don't want

My husband is my absolute rock, I love him with every fibre of my being and it destroys me to watch myself pick away at the bonds that tie us together because I'm so unhappy in my own head. I'm scared to say anything I'm thinking about because I don't want things to be any different between us and having mental problems brings a third angle to our relationship that I don't want. I want to just get on with life being together like a normal couple and doing things together like we used to.

I'm absolutely terrified of going to get any proper help in case I'm told I'm making all of this up and I need to just get a grip. I know that most likely won't happen with medical professionals but there is definitely still a stigma attached to the word 'depression' that is scaring me out of doing anything about my problems. It’s classed by so many people as something made up to get you out of being a normal human being like everyone else. And I'm scared that if I'm given a actual medical diagnosis this will make it all the more real and it’s not just that I'm having a bad day/week/month... it’s something that needs real treatment.

I lead a truly amazing life... it doesn't sound like I'm depressed

I feel like I shouldn't even be contemplating this because, on paper, I lead a truly amazing life. I have a husband who loves me, we have a lovely home and a cat and friends who we spend time with and loving families who would do anything for us... that doesn't sound like the life of someone who is massively unhappy does it?

The quote “a problem shared is a problem halved” is so apt in situations like this and I'm promising myself that from here on in I will start to talk about my mental health problems frankly and honestly.

What do you think about the issues raised in this blog?

Share your views with us on Twitter >>

Or sign our pledge wall to show your support and find out how talking tackles mental health discrimination.

Comments

There is a way out

Submitted by -Nicola- on Wed, 06/02/2013 - 5:02pm

Hi Mel, Well done for writing that...it sounds like it is the first time you've ever discussed/written about how you truly feel.I can completely understand your fear and denial... I was the same...but I'm sure if you are able to go to the doctor's, you will receive the help and support you need. There does appear to be stigma still even if it's worse in our minds, but it's not your fault you feel this way and there is a way out. :-)You can do! All the best!Nicola x

Well done :)

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 07/02/2013 - 9:03am

Mel, Well done! I took the plunge and visited my GP about my problems and it was the most terrifying thing I have ever done. I am surprised the poor woman managed to hear a thing I said as I completley broke down on her and sobbed and sniffled my way through telling her how I had been feeling. I was referred to a counseller, which unfortunately had a long waiting list, so I decided to take matters in to my own hands and I now see a private therapist on a weekly basis. I am discovering reasons behind why my down periods happen and ways to cope with them. I will not say I am cured, I am going through a process and I am realistic in my expectations. However, I also know that I was once strong enough to open up and talk about my problems and I take from this the knowledge that I have an inner strength which I can use to overcome my issues in the long term. There were times I would never in my wildest dreams have thought that I would be in this position today and if I can give you some advice it would be to make the most of your good times - when you are feeling positive (or dare I say it, happy?) THIS is the time you need to share. Ignoring it and going back to the down phase can just become a cycle of not talking and ignoring how you are feeling. I hope you can continue to talk about how you are feeling, whoever it is you choose to share it with. All the best x

Am I depressed

Submitted by Ruth on Thu, 07/02/2013 - 9:18am

Well done you! Depression is an illness,you can not pull yourself out of it without help. There are lots of techniques which can help and of course there is medication. You can have a wonderful life and still be depressed. I too have a wonderful partner and daughter and home but it did not stop me having BiPolar. Time to Change is great as it is giving people the confidence to face the stigma of mental illness. Without it, I probably would not have had the courage to do a talk yesterday at a school about my illness. Education is key and we have to start with our friends and family. My immediate family's support has been unfailing but they had to learn a lot along the way. Good luck.Thinking of you. Ruthx

hugs

Submitted by Joey on Thu, 07/02/2013 - 9:34am

Hi Mel, I so admire you for being so brave and telling us about your struggles. I understand what you are going through. I just wanted to say that you are not the only one and there is nothing to be shamed of. I wish you all the best xx

Hi,I've been where you are

Submitted by mark on Thu, 07/02/2013 - 9:50am

Hi,I've been where you are get to see your gp they will help you the biggest step is admitting how you feel.

The first big step!

Submitted by Sarah on Thu, 07/02/2013 - 1:13pm

Hi, Firstly, well done!! Several years ago i was in exactly the same position you describe. I was terrified of going to the doctor or anyone for help because i was convinced they would tell me it was 'all in my head' (if you'll pardon the expression). My other main fear was the opposite, that they would give me an actual diagnosis... a real 'illness' and then that would make it really real. It took almost losing my place at Uni and a conversation with my partner at the time, begging me to seek help before i finally went to the doctors and was diagnosed with severe clinical depression. I was shaking like a leaf, scared out of my wits as i sat and waited for my appointment. I even had to write everything i felt down in a letter and just give it to the doctor as i couldn't speak about it without getting confused and muddled up. Looking back however, i can see now that it was the best thing i have ever done. I'm not saying i don't still struggle, i always will, but seeing the doctor and finally getting a diagnosis was the first step in becoming more balanced, more open and comfortable with my illness and happier in myself. Now when i feel my mood slipping, or changing i can speak to my GP and get help straight away instead of waiting until it gets so bad i can't deny it anymore. Well done for taking that first step, and good luck with the next steps... you will find it gets easier as time goes along!

Depression is an illness

Submitted by Rebeca - Siren on Wed, 27/02/2013 - 9:40am

Depression is an illness,you can not pull yourself out of it without help.There are lots of techniques which can help and of course there is medication. But there are people who can have a wonderful life and still be depressed, which is sad!