It takes so much effort to hide my mental health problems

LizFor me, having Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (also known as Borderline Personality Disorder) means I care deeply about what others think of me. At every opportunity I believe that people are ridiculing me, that they can’t be bothered with me and that I’m a burden to them. Like many people suffering with a mental health problem I’m brilliant at hiding how I’m really feeling; I don’t often jump at the chance to discuss my problems because I worry they’ll be interpreted as a sign of weakness or incompetence but it’s time to change!

After graduating from university I found a job within three months and couldn’t believe my luck! I wanted to lead a normal life, have a job, rent a flat and save enough money to travel. I hadn’t planned on telling my employer about my mental health problems; however, I was devastated when, on the first day, I had a panic attack. I explained to my supervisor that I suffered with anxiety and depression but didn’t go into any detail. He was understanding and assured me that everything would be fine; unfortunately, as the weeks progressed, I became increasingly paranoid.

The office environment was stressful for me

The office environment was stressful for me; people were constantly talking negatively about one another, I didn’t feel as though my job was secure, I found it difficult to distinguish what was appropriate conversation and what wasn’t. People would keep asking me why I wouldn’t eat at work during the day, not realising that I have an eating disorder. I hated walking through the office because I couldn’t stand the idea of people staring at me. This made simple tasks extremely difficult, such as using the scanner, photocopier or talking to colleagues when I needed their help.

I experienced regular panic attacks which were distressing and difficult to control. I was told unsympathetically to ‘stop crying’ and ‘calm down’ by a colleague who didn’t understand what was happening. On another occasion when I became upset I was told to ‘go home’ and ‘not let the rest of the office see me like that’ because it looks ‘unprofessional’.

Things would be easier if I could tell people

"Things would be a lot easier if I tell them about my mental health problems," I’d often think to myself.

I was scared about telling them in case they thought I was being pathetic. When they’d make negative comments about mental health I’d become embarrassed and change my mind about telling them. If I’d have been more confident I’d have challenged their attitudes but I was only twenty-one and in an office full of more experienced colleagues who were at least twice my age. I still should have said something.

I hope I'll be able to talk to friends and family

After six months my mental health had deteriorated considerably and I was forced to take time off. The thought of going back to work frightened me but I couldn’t help feeling pressurised to return as soon as possible. I felt guilty and frustrated with myself. Eventually I resigned; I had no idea how long it would take for me to be well enough to return to work.

Twelve months, eight hospital admissions and countless mental health workers later I’m still struggling to cope. I hope that, in the future, I’ll be able to talk about my mental health openly with friends, family, colleagues and employers. It’s such a huge part of my life that it takes too much effort to keep it hidden; besides, I have nothing to be ashamed about.

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Comments

Work's A Drag.....

<p>This is the first time I've turned to looking at other sources of help, and instantly I've managed to find something that mimics exactly the way that I'm feeling.&nbsp;</p><p>I've suffered from severe bouts of depression and anxiety for around 10 years, and I'm only 24. Getting through high school and university without anybody ever realising what I was going through behind closed doors was a doddle compared to the stress and strain of everyday office life! I am completely exhausted with trying to hide a meltdown, or convincing myself that everyone in the office doesn't think I'm weird or miserable all of the time.&nbsp;</p><p>Feeling mentally drained and physically lethargic is affecting every aspect of my life; relationships, excercise, diet; All because I'm finding it impossible to control work life. I snap, I cry, I laugh. I don't know who I am anymore!&nbsp;</p><p>I've been considering for some months now how and when to take time off to adjust to different medication, or to just breathe and sleep for that matter! But I'm too scared to mention it. I work in a corporate environment which is my first job out of university, and somehow, I have managed to convince myself that I've failed at the first hurdle.</p><p>I know that reading this and other blog posts will help me find a little inner strength and belief.&nbsp;</p><p>Thankyou.&nbsp;</p>

When you said "...convincing

When you said "...convincing myself that everyone ... I snap, I cry, I laugh. I don't know who I am anymore!" you got me right there! The difference is I am only in my second year of university. I think I really need to write all these feelings down especially reading all this and saying "hey, these people are describing me" since I have a hard time explaining it myself. Then I can go see a counselor and not just sit there saying "I dunno" and pouting and not getting anywhere.

Eat or Treat

I also have Borderline Personality Disorder and it's so hard. I keep being told to get a job and it will fix me, no matter how much I explain to people how I can't cope with normal tasks I get told a job will help. I had to leave both secondary school AND college because of these issues. I'm not stupid, I got A's and B's in school. It's like people hear me but don't get it. If you're not in a situation that "normal" people would consider stressful then they don't see why you would behave any other way. The thought of being in a full time steady job sends me into panic and there are constant risks of having benefits taken from me. Leaving school was horrible enough but the difference with a job is that you can't just walk out, they rely on you not the other way around. The problem is that during this time I can't even get help because I have had every single thing that the NHS offer and I'm still unwell and I'm then told that the only way to get better is to pay for treatment which then leads to the choice of either eating every week or having therapy. So it's either find a way to make myself better or become homeless and potentially dying.

Hi Simone, you can get in

<p>Hi Simone, you can get in touch with the Mind and Rethink Mental Illness infolines and they will be able to highlight the different forms of support available to you - you can <a href="http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/what-are-mental-health-problems/help-support-services">find their contact details here</a>. Somtimes talking to someone you trust about what you are going through can help too, this could be friends, family or your local GP. The Samaritans are also always available to talk to on 08457 90 90 90 or by emailing jo@samaritans.org. You can find tips about <a href="http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/talk-about-mental-health/telling-someone-about-your-mental-health-problem">talking about your own experiences</a> of mental health problems on our website, sharing a blog with the person (like the one above) may be a good way to help to explain how you're feeling.</p>

Well done posting on here,

Well done posting on here, that's really courageous. I'm going through something very similar, but I still haven't completely made it through university yet. I can imagine full-time work will be hard for me too, paranoia and anxiety have made things difficult for me to work even odd jobs. The only thing keeping me going is the knowledge that BPD is known as "The good prognosis diagnosis", so I'm sure things will get better for both of us, hopefully. Stay strong.

emotionally unstable personality disorder

I have been told by my care coordinator that this is my diagnosis and identify with everything in the blog. I am struggling as I am not getting much support from the mental health team.

Just diagnosed

I often though I sabotaged myself deliberately whenever life became good for me, I had no idea BPD even existed, I just thought I was bad. Things would be fine...then...I would get to the situation I was off work and I'd never go back because I felt so embarrassed that I could not cope with with work life! The think I hate is I'm a good worker, but I cant cope with the environment (everything outside of the work). I really hope joining a therapeutic community will sort me out.

Helen

Can I ask how you were diagnosed? It's just that, this sounds like me but everytime I crash, I am treated for depression with CBT, pretty standard stuff. I am about to start a new job and I am dreading it, the paranoia, the self sabotage, the looming horrendous prospect of promotion which should be so exciting. I don't know what to do. I am not allowed to talk or think about it - put it behind me - but it isn't gone! I feel lazy and incapable. I also know I'll start off really well at my new place and then a month in I'll not be able to even send an email. Does this make sense? I feel like I'll never work out what this is :'(

RE Helen

This sounds like it came right out of my mouth! The 'good worker that lasts a month or two but then is never to be seen again'. I too work hard, sit up there with the best people in the office for a couple of months, then bam I can't seem to be able to do it anymore. Concentration - gone. Motivation - gone. Me - gone. I always think 'this time will be different, a week off and I'll be right as rain' but I never seem to make it back to work. I'm starting a new job tomorrow, I'm so excited to be working again but dreading the effort of hiding myself. Hoping no one notices I'm like a human chameleon and that maybe they'll give me a month or so before they start avoiding me..I was diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder last Oct after being admitted in to hospital, but yet to receive any actual treatment. Sorry for sounding so negative, 'bad day'. This is me, recently moved 100 odd miles away from family with a guy I'm now sharing an apartment with but broke up with a few weeks ago to a city where I know no one and don't have the confidence to meet new people.

:-)

Hello, how brave of you to write about your mental health experiences here. It's has been a reassuring read for me as I too have the same diagnosis and have struggled with work and feeling as you do. I've isolated myself as people just don't understand. The inner turmoil we face daily is immense and draining. I totally empathize and know exactly where your coming from as I'm pretty much the same. I thank you for sharing and bringing some comfort to me that I'm not alone. J :-)

Hi Liz... I think you sound

Hi Liz... I think you sound like a very brave, coragous person and it will probably help many people to read what you have written. Its true as you say mental health is a hidden disability and as we all have mental health I think people are sometimes frightend to recognise it in others as it means some kind of recognition of their own mental health. i really hope you find the support you need to manage on a day to day basis and build your life together. maybe when you have the right support you will be able to talk to your friends and family and start to heal. Its sounds like that is something really important to you. I work in mental health in the community and I realise how difficult it is when we feel isolated and alone...Its important for us to feel understood, we all have our stuff. Wishing you every bit of luck and love for your future x

Thank you

Thank you so much for sharing that Liz. Mental health and work can be so difficult, it sounds like you're really brave to have challenged yourself to work there. It also sounds, if people were talking about others negatively, as if it was not a very good or supportive work place. I really hope you're able to return to work in a supportive setting and are able to feel you can tell your line manager about it - that would mean you could be open, and access support, without having to mention it to others if you didn't want to. I send very best wishes to you, Jen

Total respect for this

Total respect for this blog. It must have taken a lot of strength and I hope it's the start to you getting better.

I dont want to say too much

I dont want to say too much cos im scared that people i know will see my comments, but im suffering too and are with you...stay strong.. xx

don't lose hope...

Hey, I'm so sorry you had to go through unnecessary work place pressure on top of everything else. I'm diagnosed with similar conditions i guess (anxiety, depression, Ed, eupd etc. etc.yawn!) And i figured out very early on that a 'proper' 9 to 5 office job the up allsorts of triggers and messed with my head a lot. I hated being trapped, being watched, work place cliques...just the pressure of feeling i was constantly being assessed and judged. BUT im now a mobile care worker and have held down the same job for over four years, I've had many crashes in that time, and a couple of spells of being signed of but i still love it. I guess my point its, not everyone is the same and whilst mental ill health makes it more difficult they're are ways of living a full life despite it. As an aside i totally agree that there is way too much focus put on the whole working being a productive member of society thing. Its like as long as you work everything is fine. having a job hasn't cured me, and just cos I'm holding down ajob doesn't mean I'm healthy and don't need help.but there, that's another sorry. Take care x

i know how you feel

I find it hard to understand myself, at work I feel like someone else, then in other situations I'm somthing else. Office work made me insane...couldn't do it...people looking, talking about you, etc...I did a dance degree and have always found normal work hard ...but it allowed me to stop thinking fir a while. I've been told I have traits if bpd...but this still doesn't help me understand me. I font understand how I got here or where Ian going

Well done Liz, be as open as you can

Well done Liz, no doubt you have helped others more so than yourself. Sufferers tend to believe they are the only ones to be feeling like this, to find out that one is not alone is healing. To openly discuss one's coping strategies in an almost anonymous way may also give people constructive help.

Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your experiences Liz. I get how you feel as I have been there a couple of times myself. I am recovering from a recent period of high stress, depression and anxiety. Life is full of ups and downs, especially when you suffer from mental health issues. Sadly it is difficult to talk about it sometimes but from experience, once you have spoken out about how you feel, it does help. Its is hard to get to a point you recognise you are ill and need help and even tougher asking for help and getting someone to listen. (An understanding GP is a good place to start) Thank you for sharing as you have helped me feel not so alone.Wishing you lots of luck in the future. Be strong.

EUPD(BPD)

Thankyou so much Liz for this blog. Emotionally Unstable sounds so much gentler than Borderline with all its stigma even within the proffessional psychiatric world. I can relate to so much you say.Lets tell the world and try and get them to understand. Bless your heart.xxx

This could have been written

This could have been written by me. At the moment I'm trying to allow myself to just be me around people, rather than what I think people want me to be. It's exhausting trying to hide it all the time, especially on top of depression and anxiety. I feel like I do nothing but suffer.

Time To Change

My partner has been suffering from depression and what she suspects to be BPD for as long as I’ve known her. I can’t imagine the pain that she and countless others have gone through, and a lot of this post resonates very strongly with how I’ve seen her experiences. It’s a great shame the stigma surrounding Mental Health is so strong, and it’s incredibly harmful to those suffering. To know that there is a community here on Time To Change is incredibly reassuring, and it gives me great hope to know these issues are being talked about.

I can relate, in some way, to

I can relate, in some way, to every single post here. I'd always been smart at school but found it such a struggle and also found I was able to 'slip through the cracks'/hide it until work/office life. I'm ambitious but constantly found myself never living up to what I knew I was capable of. It was frustrating...to say the least. I never knew I had BPD (or what would be diagnosed as BPD) but I knew I had problems (anxiety, depression, panic attacks...though it took me a lot of time to realise that is what I was having) and needed help. I started seeing a psychotherapist...a number of years ago. It's been super hard financially, emotionally, socially (due to time committment) and in so many other ways...but I wouldn't change it. I have somehow managed to be in full-time work the entire time and have stayed in it essentially to put myself through psychotherapy. I like aspects of my job but I don't feel it is entirely 'for me'. And somehow I have managed in a way that no one at my work place knows about this. I'm not quite sure how I have hidden it. I'm not convinced that I have hidden it that well and I know that my anxiety is how people just identified me as being me (I say 'identified' because I am far less anxious than I used to be...). And, for a long time, no one in my life knew I was going. It took me time just to be able to tell friends I was in psychotherapy and not be ashamed of it. And this is my first comment on a blog/public discussion about this ever... (I didn't really have the support of family to share my experience with either so I relate to those who feel very alone...and I was very select with which friends I told...and it didn't always go smoothly) I am nearly finished my long-term psychotherapy (psychoanalysis for a large part of the time meaning 5 times a week - eek! i know...). I would never have started if I knew it would be that much of a committment and if I knew that I would be in it for so long. And that has been a hard thing to deal with throughout (ie. when will I be able to stop). I only just found out that the symptoms I had (my psychotherapist says I am 'no longer borderline') would be considered or diagnosed as BPD. He decided not to tell me and, for me, I think that helped my therapy in a way. But, everyone's different. I don't want to paint an unrealistically positive picture as everyone is different and everyone's experience is different. And I was in a position (despite so many sacrifices I made personally) to be able to put myself through therapy - though it was heavily discounted. There are a number of different places out there that do offer it discounted but, from my knowledge, I've never seen it free so that won't help everyone. I found my psychotherapist when I saw a pamphlet advertising counselling in southeast London years ago: southeastlondoncounselling.org.uk/. Also, I know of a place near London Bridge that I think offers discounts to some: wpf.org.uk (I don't know of it though) And everyone will have different ways to respond to different therapies (one may be better than another) so maybe psychotherapy/psychoanalysis is not for everyone. But, after long-term sacrifice of psychotherapy, I am finally able to make real connections with people and have my first boyfriend in almost 10 years (!). I'm 33. And I am dealing with things in a much better way. I really would like, in some way to be able to share my experience. Not sure if anyone wants to contact me so I can talk about my experience...but I really would be happy to help anyone...even just by giving a bit of hope. (I also felt particularly included to respond after reading BeeDee's comments...I feel, from your comment/post, that it could be me writing 10 years ago. I hope my comment is helpful and hopeful in some way :) )

Hey, Im 25 and been

Hey, Im 25 and been struggling since I was a kid. My family does more harm than good and Ive just lost my boyfriend whom I loved. Im going to pursue serious help now and your post really inspired me. How are you doing now?

thinking about you

Hi Samantha, I'm happy to hear from you and that you found my post inspiring. I think I really wrote it for 'me 10 years ago' as it would have been something I would really have benefited from then. (ie. there is hope and recovery is possible!) I'm glad someone else found it helpful. First of all, I'm very sorry to hear about your experience. There are so many things I'd like to say to you...though I can't be sure I'm not saying these things to 'me 10 years ago' too ;). I'm doing very well overall...surprisingly well (in that a few years ago, I never would have thought I'd ever say that, hence the need for the message to myself ;) ). But, for many years I was not doing well & in silence about much of this, 1st by myself & then just talking to my psychotherapist & then, slowly, with others (but not everyone! I was selective...which I think is smart! :) ). I think it's brave of you to speak about this with your family & I'm sorry to hear that the difficulty you've been having. If it helps at all, I know what its like to feel so alone. But, if I can give you any advice, it's to do what you are saying...get yourself the help you need. Spend time on yourself. See someone professionally & try to recover from this (it can be long and gruelling but possible). Hopefully, in the future when you've been able to come to terms with things and/or deal with these things and feel ok about yourself, then you can try to reach out to the people who you feel have left you, if that's still what you want then. But also remember (as I'm sure you do!) that they are also not experienced with dealing with BPD...so this is hard for them. (and some people may disagree with me, but some of the dynamics with your family may not be helping the way you feel about yourself...it doesn't mean you have to end things with them, but it helps to sort yourself out 1st) There's a book I've read a bit of more recently which I thought was interesting and enlightening. If, at some point in the future, you are ready to talk to them again, it may help you to explain yourself to others: 'Loving someone with borderline personality disorder' by Shari Manning. Or, it may be something you wish to recommend to them now. But, as I say, I think you should spend your energy trying to recover at the moment &, when you are stronger, 'go back' to them. Anyways, all of this is just my advice (& my ramble. Hope not hard to read! ;) ). There is no right answer. Electronic hug :)

Thank God for this post.

Heefee I would really appreciate any help you can give me. I haven't been diagnosed yet but but a good friend of mine who is a psychiatrist told me he was pretty sure I have unstable personality disorder. I've always been a very anxious, moody and paranoid person. I've managed to hide it my whole life. I'm 37 now and having been through IVF, miscarriage and divorce within a short period of time has kinda tipped me over. I also have endometriosis stage 4 and I've had to have over ten surgeries and procedures. The condition has no cure so I try to manage the chronic pain and the long list of sumptoms that come with it. I was made redundant six months ago as my sickness record is terrible. I'm in hospital almost every month. I'm at the stage where I don't know what to do anymore. I'm really tempted to give up. I need help.

your post

Penny I can really sympathise I had endo stage 3 and had four miscarriages before my hyst and am now in surgical menopause. It takes it toll. I also had a very unsympathetic employer at the height of my treatment. I saw a counsellor who specialised in infertility it really helped I could pass her details if you like. Don't be hard on yourself endo is a rubbish disease my heart goes out to you.

Should I accept a BPD label if it makes getting help harder?

I recognise most of the symptoms of BPD in myself; the mood swings, short-temper, self-sabotage, black and white thinking, the obsession with what others think about me or what I think they think about me, very low confidence, lack of personal identity. However I don't self-harm. Do all BDP sufferers self-harm? I have threatened suicide a few times and took overdoses of painkillers (not with the intention of dying), but this is not a regular thing for me. Looking back I think I've always been like this. I suffer from anxiety and depression but it's been getting harder and harder to cope. spoke to my GP last week and am awaiting a referal to the Psychiatric team. I was considering voicing my concerns that I may have BDP but am concerned after reading some of the posts that if I get a BDP diagnosis they will be less helpful. Am am better to 'steer them clear' of giving me this label? I don't want to be 'labled' I just want to be able to explain to those closest to me how I feel and how they can help. It's very brave of you Liz to talk out about how you are feeling. I wish you all the best and hope you get the support you need Xx :0) Best of luck to everyone coping with mental health problems cos it's a nightmare and I hope everyone gets the right help to recover or at least manage.

eupd

I am an EUPD sufferer.

In the same position as you...

Hi Liz, Firstly, thanks for being so brave and posting your blog. I could relate to absolutely everything you said and a similar situation happened to me (although I lost my job in the end for being signed off ill for a month with mental health problems!) Despite having a (who I thought was) nice manager, I never disclosed my mental health problems (depression, GAD, BDD, BPD etc)as 1. I wouldn't have got the job if I had and already went through 3 grueling interviews to get it during a recession and 2. It would have made me even more paranoid about what people thought. Like others have mentioned too, I am an expert at covering these problems up in public and nobody at work suspected anything was wrong and just like others said, I start off well in jobs making a great impression despite my inner struggles and then after a few months I just can't hide my problems anymore and my depression gets worse and I felt suicidal and became unable to carry on and had to move cities and come back home to live with my parents (I'm nearly 27). I've realised this kind of office, structured environment is just not healthy for me and I'm planning on doing something else or setting up my own business. I would love to get in touch with other people in a similar situation as it is so isolating and feel there is not enough help, which only makes it worse. So if anyone wants to get in contact, let me know.

Just been diagnosed

Hi there and this blog has really helped me to resonate with how this is, I am 37 and had PTSD 5 years ago and depression and anxiety most of my life and only been a week being told I have BPD. All of it makes sense to me why I am the way I am but have lost my closest family member Charlotte because of my out bursts, I have lost my best friend I had for 20 years because of this condition. Been told I have had it for years and looking forward to helping myself with the CBT. Every day is a challenge for me and I often cry because how am I going to be next. It drains me of all self worth and avoid now anything so I do not bother people. Sorry for babbling it just a lot to understand and wish I had more support or at least understanding from my friends and family. My partner has been my rock but I have treated him horrifically over the years, half the time I don't even see that it's me and I can't help it. Have had REDT CBT mindfulness and all of this before being diagnosed with BPD. If any one can share any words of wisdom it would be greatly appreciated :-)

I',ve had the BPD label for

I',ve had the BPD label for over 20 years. Remember that you are more than a label, shrinks aren't Gods, lots are crazier than us! And that things do get better. The best treatments i have found are, reading self help books, any that teach you how to love yourself, therefore you will be more loving to others, less guilt, less need for hurting yourself etc. The natural therapies are also good, I've never had much success with meds, just got hooked and ended up in rehab but we are all different, No two reople diagnosed with BPD will be the same, therefore you have to take your treatment into your own hands, you may find that you have no choice but to self heal as the psychiatric professionals often don't know how to help BPD'S, and often do a bad job of it. Take your time, life is a journey, be gentle on yourself. Don't let it kill you! You are a beautiful person, it will enrich you, and you will get better at managing the tough times, Someone once said, "Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let the light in" You are not alone. Love to you all.

I can completely relate to this!

Thank You for sharing... Its comforting to know that there are other people struggling with the same "condition" as me. I have been struggling with mental health issues for roughly the past 6 years now. When I got diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder I was terrifed. All I want is to be "normal". I struggle so much with caring about what people think of me, which causes major anxiety. I feel like a burden on people, and it hurts me so much seeing the people I love trying to cope with my mood swings and being so withdrawn. Trying to keep a job is exhausting when I never feel good enough, and usually end up resigning after a few months, which causes a huge strain on finances when all I want to do is live my life like a normal 23 year old. However, when I am having a good day, or an extremely good day (when my mood is incredibly excitable and happy over nothing), I have the different view, I become determined and feel that actually EUPD is a part of me, and people tell me life is never boring when I am around. Its a challenge and one day I really do hope that I will learn to cope with my condition, and life won't be such a struggle...I just wish there was more help out there and more awareness definately needs to be raised!

I've an eupd diagnosis

I've an eupd diagnosis impulsive type. relate to everything you guys are saying. its horrible....I've had another depressive hole ensuing....it is here....care coordinator is useless. I relate to borderline but I don't know why they gave me the other diagnosis. feel helpless at mo thanks for posting it helps

Great Post!

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your experience. I've had a number of issues myself. It's good to know I'm not alone. Thank you :) x

BPD/EUPD

I'm only 18, but that alone makes me feel extremely judged when regarding mental illness. I had always been a troubled teen and my parents and doctor always noted it down to being "Hormonal" changes, however, I got my first job in a nursery at age 16 and it was a nightmare. I was constantly anxious, experiencing panic attacks and also assuming that everyone was thinking "bad" of me, this had always been the same when in the street (Or at school etc, basically everywhere where people were)if people look in my direction I instantly assume they're thinking negative things about me. My behavior became extremely "odd" and I started taking days off work and eventually got myself into trouble because of it, unable to cope I quit and tried to join college assuming that there was less pressure therefore it'd be better for me for the time being-Big mistake. I became a social outcast and was anxious almost the whole time and couldn't seem to settle in or make friends, one day a girl made a comment which was an indication that she wanted to cause trouble from me unable to cope with this I had a complete mental break down. I wasn't allowed to go home and had to wait for my mother to come and collect me in case I tried to commit suicide (My behavior was indicating this) I was also told by the college to receive help. So I did. Soon turning 18 I had been told I was leaning more towards A personality disorder along with PTSD (Serve anxiety) I had a care plan which was to attend distress tolerance therapy and also to attend "Psychology" with a female psychologist. However twice I have been let down by clinic's suddenly "closing down". I have it in black and white that I have traits of BPD however I haven't yet have a psychiatric diagnosis it seems this keeps getting put off, not long after my doctor put me on Anti-depressants however they don't seem to be working and I have been asked to bring in the letters mentioning the traits of BPD etc because for some reason this hasn't been documented. I'm terrified for my future I'm young and it seems I have no ability to cope with my overwhelming anxiety and my changeable moods, I'm forever worrying about my mental health it leaves me wondering if things will ever get better, I loathe myself and just can't handle this "switchy" personality I often wonder if I warrant this diagnosis a little closure would be nice I just need a little hope- apologies for the lecture I just needed to let off some steam

Hi Leah, thanks for sharing

Hi Leah, thanks for sharing your experiences. The Mind and Rethink Mental Illness infolines are staffed by experts who will be able to offer you confidential information and advice about your mental health. You can call Mind on 0300 123 3393 (9am-5pm Monday to Friday) or email info@mind.org.uk and you can call Rethink on 0300 5000 927 (10am-2pm Monday to Friday) or email info@rethink.org

Feeling so very isolated with EUPD

I wish I had friends to talk about this as I can't cope, doctors won't admit me to hospital and I am in a middle of writing my will as I don't think I would be able to stay alive for very long as I can't see any nice future for me with this diagnosis and life just doesn't seem worth the suffering and constant loneliness, it's just too sad for me this way.

There is hope

Hi Dana, sometimes stuff can get really tough, but you are never alone. We have a list of support services here: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/what-are-mental-health-problems/help-support-services

So true

My 40th birthday is looming & I feel so guilty that it appears I have done nothing with my life. I was always considered to be very intelligent & highly creative, the general consensus was I'd go far & be very successful. Needless to say this has not happened & I fiercely hate myself for it. My parents constantly tell me to pull myself together & get a job, telling me how wonderful life will be, how I can travel, go out for meals be "normal" they have no idea. I have tried so many times to explain how bpd affects me but they don't believe mental illness exists, it breaks my heart, to them I'm just a bad lazy person, a view that seems to be shared by so many. This condition seems to occupy every area of my life, sometimes I can't cope & I can't see any future, this often leads to me trying to take my life. Hope is a tough gruelling emotion to sustain & it leaves me exhausted, I wish people could/would understand. I am happy for those that find a way out but it also selfishly makes me feel an even bigger failure, if that makes sense? I'm so tired of having to defend the way I have to live, people must be crazy to believe anyone would choose this way of life, why do others seem to feel we should suffer & beg & gratefully take abuse for having to take benefits when this illness makes us suffer so much already? Just because this illness can't be seen it doesn't make it any less deadly & sadly it can be terminal. I wish it was widely understood just how horrific life is living with this, maybe then ignorance wouldn't be so quick to judge & make everything so so much worse.

I am not yet ready to resume

I am not yet ready to resume putting pen to page on the darkest of my thoughts anywhere but my journal. I am 25 and your story could be my own. I am putting so much pressure on myself to get through school and sustain a "normal" relationship and to try to regulate my emotions. I have lost so many good people whom I loved because I could not control my emotions. The vicious cycle continues even as as I increase my efforts to improve my behaviour (with success), my efforts are either ignored entirely or deemed too little too late. I need to break the cycle, Im ready to get help and continue to modify my behaviour, -I want to be happy and well and make others feel the same!- but I need others to change their behaviours to me If I am to be successful. And I need these feelings to wane and be supported if I am to be succesful at anything at all. After being abandoned by my parents and most of those Ive ever loved, and this week losing my boyfriend its been kind of the last straw. Has anyone actually gotten real help without much of a support system and found meds that work? Im trying but hope is hard when I continue to try my best and remain inadequate to society and myself.

It's really difficult to get the right help

It turns out was misdiagnosed 5 years ago with Bipolar and finally at 26 I've received the correct diagnosis of BPD. I've changed my medication over the past 8 months due to the new diagnosis but they don't help with BPD itself, the meds are to treat side effects and co-occurring disorders such as depression and anxiety. If only it was as simple as taking a pill! I've previously tried CBT, group sessions and 'Talk Therapy' but I didn't find them much use and also quite condescending!! It also depends on the personal connection you make with the therapist, sometimes you just don't click and that's when the paranoia kicks in. I usually bail at this point and have to start all over again! I'm now on my third week of CAT and so far so good. although this could just be because I haven't had many personal blips during this time. When you've pushed everyone you love away or they've left you because they can't cope you finally reach a point that in a weird way it makes therapy easier. Less people to disappoint!! Don't get me wrong, there's still days where I experience crippling despair at how alone I feel but at least I don't have to look into the eyes of a loved one and see utter disappointment and contempt for me. I feel this journey may be better alone and then I live in hope that I'll reach a stable point where I can make new bonds and relationships in a healthy way and when I have a new support network I may consider healing the old wounds and building bridges. Trying to get people to understand how we feel when we're in the grip of panic and desperation is futile as they can never comprehend the overwhelming emotions. As heartbreaking as it is I sometimes feel I'm better off without them.

BPD or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder:

I am over fifty and for as long as I can remember I have felt and behaved differently. Like many people in this blog I have been treated for depression and/or anxiety and been self-destructive. I was only diagnsed middle of last year and it was both frightening and a relief. Since then I have researched and researched and understand myself so much better. I am, and probably will always take medication to help me manage my emotions and behaviour, but knowing what I know now I know I am not broken. My BPD/EUPD may make me self-destructive, complicated and complex and sometimes it is really hard to live with, but it has also helped me be really creative, interesting, funny and sharp. I really am learning how to manage this side of my personality and writing this is just one way of helping me cope. I feel better already!!!

Friends turned away from me

I identify very much with this. I now know that I'm unable to cope in a structured office environment, or working 9 to 5. I worked in an office with about 25 women and about 6 men. I'm extremely sensitive and pick up on anything and everything. Unfortunately I put my trust in the wrong people and confided a few personal things about myself to someone who turned out to be a less than compassionate person. This person made it very difficult for me to enjoy my time working in this position, even though I got along well with many of the other people there. I now avoid anyone from this (previous workplace) and hope that I don't bump into any of them, for fear of what this person has said about me. Several people from there have also cut off contact with me. It was clear that I had a few issues, mainly depression and anxiety, but I had a lot on my plate at the time in that I was caring for my mother who suffers from Dementia. I think I'm a pretty nice person, but I tend to place my trust in the wrong people. I tend to always assume that people will be compassionate and empathetic, because that's the way that I would be towards them if they were in my place. But I realise now that a lot of people are scared of mental illness and they tend to back away, rather than want to get involved. I'm spending more and more time alone now because I don't want to get hurt anymore.

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