It takes so much effort to hide my mental health problems

LizFor me, having Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (also known as Borderline Personality Disorder) means I care deeply about what others think of me. At every opportunity I believe that people are ridiculing me, that they can’t be bothered with me and that I’m a burden to them. Like many people suffering with a mental health problem I’m brilliant at hiding how I’m really feeling; I don’t often jump at the chance to discuss my problems because I worry they’ll be interpreted as a sign of weakness or incompetence but it’s time to change!

After graduating from university I found a job within three months and couldn’t believe my luck! I wanted to lead a normal life, have a job, rent a flat and save enough money to travel. I hadn’t planned on telling my employer about my mental health problems; however, I was devastated when, on the first day, I had a panic attack. I explained to my supervisor that I suffered with anxiety and depression but didn’t go into any detail. He was understanding and assured me that everything would be fine; unfortunately, as the weeks progressed, I became increasingly paranoid.

The office environment was stressful for me

The office environment was stressful for me; people were constantly talking negatively about one another, I didn’t feel as though my job was secure, I found it difficult to distinguish what was appropriate conversation and what wasn’t. People would keep asking me why I wouldn’t eat at work during the day, not realising that I have an eating disorder. I hated walking through the office because I couldn’t stand the idea of people staring at me. This made simple tasks extremely difficult, such as using the scanner, photocopier or talking to colleagues when I needed their help.

I experienced regular panic attacks which were distressing and difficult to control. I was told unsympathetically to ‘stop crying’ and ‘calm down’ by a colleague who didn’t understand what was happening. On another occasion when I became upset I was told to ‘go home’ and ‘not let the rest of the office see me like that’ because it looks ‘unprofessional’.

Things would be easier if I could tell people

"Things would be a lot easier if I tell them about my mental health problems," I’d often think to myself.

I was scared about telling them in case they thought I was being pathetic. When they’d make negative comments about mental health I’d become embarrassed and change my mind about telling them. If I’d have been more confident I’d have challenged their attitudes but I was only twenty-one and in an office full of more experienced colleagues who were at least twice my age. I still should have said something.

I hope I'll be able to talk to friends and family

After six months my mental health had deteriorated considerably and I was forced to take time off. The thought of going back to work frightened me but I couldn’t help feeling pressurised to return as soon as possible. I felt guilty and frustrated with myself. Eventually I resigned; I had no idea how long it would take for me to be well enough to return to work.

Twelve months, eight hospital admissions and countless mental health workers later I’m still struggling to cope. I hope that, in the future, I’ll be able to talk about my mental health openly with friends, family, colleagues and employers. It’s such a huge part of my life that it takes too much effort to keep it hidden; besides, I have nothing to be ashamed about.

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Work's A Drag.....

<p>This is the first time I've turned to looking at other sources of help, and instantly I've managed to find something that mimics exactly the way that I'm feeling.&nbsp;</p><p>I've suffered from severe bouts of depression and anxiety for around 10 years, and I'm only 24. Getting through high school and university without anybody ever realising what I was going through behind closed doors was a doddle compared to the stress and strain of everyday office life! I am completely exhausted with trying to hide a meltdown, or convincing myself that everyone in the office doesn't think I'm weird or miserable all of the time.&nbsp;</p><p>Feeling mentally drained and physically lethargic is affecting every aspect of my life; relationships, excercise, diet; All because I'm finding it impossible to control work life. I snap, I cry, I laugh. I don't know who I am anymore!&nbsp;</p><p>I've been considering for some months now how and when to take time off to adjust to different medication, or to just breathe and sleep for that matter! But I'm too scared to mention it. I work in a corporate environment which is my first job out of university, and somehow, I have managed to convince myself that I've failed at the first hurdle.</p><p>I know that reading this and other blog posts will help me find a little inner strength and belief.&nbsp;</p><p>Thankyou.&nbsp;</p>

When you said "...convincing

When you said "...convincing myself that everyone ... I snap, I cry, I laugh. I don't know who I am anymore!" you got me right there! The difference is I am only in my second year of university. I think I really need to write all these feelings down especially reading all this and saying "hey, these people are describing me" since I have a hard time explaining it myself. Then I can go see a counselor and not just sit there saying "I dunno" and pouting and not getting anywhere.

Your whole I dunno pouting

Your whole I dunno pouting thing describes me perfectly. I would randomly get in these moods where I would go awol and not talk to anybody and they would think something is wrong and ask me but literally I wouldn't know whats wrong, and I would say that. All these post describe me so perfect. But its weird because I'll be perfectly fine, but then I randomly get weird throughout the day, it doesn't help either that my best friend transferred so now I'm left to myself and my thoughts pretty much.


I to suffer with EUPD. It's so hard to live with this and I'm dealing with it every singje day! Sometimes I am ok but the smallest thing can trigger it off. Over the years it's ruined courses, jobs relationships and friendships for me. I wish more people could understand what we are going through! It is so true that people can't see it so don't understand. When I am at my lowest all I get is snap out of it...I wish I could!!! I was in therapy but quit thinking I would be better to face the real world and get on with it but once again it's caught up with me. I'm just hoping doors will open again for me to get help. I am all over the place just now not in a good place at all. Not sure about anyone else but my biggest trigger seems to be rejection which then leads on to me being para angry very low Ect etc etc would love to wake up every day with a clear mind but I know now it's something I just have to live with.

Emotional Instability

I just want to help re-assure the younger folk on here that as you get older it does get more manageable. You do however need the support of the medical teams in the psychiatric departments to learn coping strategies and ways of dealing with those very soul destroying awful days when you just want to give up. Believe me, lve hit rock bottom a few times in my life where l thought my condition was getting the better of me and l lost friends through hiding away. None of this helps you in the long run. I'm living proof that you will get through it and learn to enjoy life. I suffered many years of severe bouts of emotional instability and tried taking my own life in the beginning before seeking help. I eventually had to admit l wasn't coping with the depression, anxiety, panick attacks and also IBS as the anxiety affected my bowels. I went to my GP who referred to to the psychiatrist and from there got a CPN nurse and social worker to help me sort out daily routines and coping strategies. I also got a support worker who has helped me deal with budgeting (which was not being dealt with due to depression causing debt), and got me enrolled in volunteering with an advocacy service which l love. I'm quite intelligent but had forgotten that as l had given up and felt like l was disabled and unwanted. I was so wrong. My support worker gradually got me out more as l was prone to hiding away and l now joined a yoga class, ladies group and walking club. I am really starting to enjoy my life and even went back to uni lately as l felt l needed more skills to get back to work. So guys and girls, life does begin at 40 or in my case it has as lve regained my self worth and purpose. My illness does not rule me anymore even on the bad days. Get out there. Talk to people... Most of all, enjoy your life. It is too short to let your illness take control. Good luck all. Xx

Eat or Treat

I also have Borderline Personality Disorder and it's so hard. I keep being told to get a job and it will fix me, no matter how much I explain to people how I can't cope with normal tasks I get told a job will help. I had to leave both secondary school AND college because of these issues. I'm not stupid, I got A's and B's in school. It's like people hear me but don't get it. If you're not in a situation that "normal" people would consider stressful then they don't see why you would behave any other way. The thought of being in a full time steady job sends me into panic and there are constant risks of having benefits taken from me. Leaving school was horrible enough but the difference with a job is that you can't just walk out, they rely on you not the other way around. The problem is that during this time I can't even get help because I have had every single thing that the NHS offer and I'm still unwell and I'm then told that the only way to get better is to pay for treatment which then leads to the choice of either eating every week or having therapy. So it's either find a way to make myself better or become homeless and potentially dying.

Hi Simone, you can get in

<p>Hi Simone, you can get in touch with the Mind and Rethink Mental Illness infolines and they will be able to highlight the different forms of support available to you - you can <a href="">find their contact details here</a>. Somtimes talking to someone you trust about what you are going through can help too, this could be friends, family or your local GP. The Samaritans are also always available to talk to on 08457 90 90 90 or by emailing You can find tips about <a href="">talking about your own experiences</a> of mental health problems on our website, sharing a blog with the person (like the one above) may be a good way to help to explain how you're feeling.</p>

Well done posting on here,

Well done posting on here, that's really courageous. I'm going through something very similar, but I still haven't completely made it through university yet. I can imagine full-time work will be hard for me too, paranoia and anxiety have made things difficult for me to work even odd jobs. The only thing keeping me going is the knowledge that BPD is known as "The good prognosis diagnosis", so I'm sure things will get better for both of us, hopefully. Stay strong.

emotionally unstable personality disorder

I have been told by my care coordinator that this is my diagnosis and identify with everything in the blog. I am struggling as I am not getting much support from the mental health team.

unstable emotional persanity disorda

I just take me meds every day and there no cure I have up and down days and jst kep goin what frustratin is job centre askin me if am copeble go back to work no I feel they bully me and not fair u can't put time or date get better go back to werk when u on meds that make u drowsy

I no exactly how you feel

I to have the same diagnosis, and the same problem with my mental health service, hallam st hospital, over the 6yrs ive been interacting with them my gp has been more help in the 1yr ive been seeing him than there 6. Im at breaking point, ive started self harming to make me focus, ive found the pain takes away my illness for various periods of time, depends on how much I hurt myself. I no I shouldnt, but the break from it all is so nice, its like theres nothing wrong with me. Ive told the mental health service, and all I got was we will see you in 3 months bye.


Hi there, I'm really sorry to hear that you are not in a good place right now. Please don't feel like you are alone - there are people out there that can help you. Samaritans are now free to call on 116 123. If you feel like you might want to harm yourself you can go to the nearest hospital, they will be able to look after you. As an anti-stigma campaign we aren't able to offer advice on support directly, but you may find these links useful: Best, Crystal at Time to Change

Just diagnosed

I often though I sabotaged myself deliberately whenever life became good for me, I had no idea BPD even existed, I just thought I was bad. Things would be fine...then...I would get to the situation I was off work and I'd never go back because I felt so embarrassed that I could not cope with with work life! The think I hate is I'm a good worker, but I cant cope with the environment (everything outside of the work). I really hope joining a therapeutic community will sort me out.


Can I ask how you were diagnosed? It's just that, this sounds like me but everytime I crash, I am treated for depression with CBT, pretty standard stuff. I am about to start a new job and I am dreading it, the paranoia, the self sabotage, the looming horrendous prospect of promotion which should be so exciting. I don't know what to do. I am not allowed to talk or think about it - put it behind me - but it isn't gone! I feel lazy and incapable. I also know I'll start off really well at my new place and then a month in I'll not be able to even send an email. Does this make sense? I feel like I'll never work out what this is :'(

RE Helen

This sounds like it came right out of my mouth! The 'good worker that lasts a month or two but then is never to be seen again'. I too work hard, sit up there with the best people in the office for a couple of months, then bam I can't seem to be able to do it anymore. Concentration - gone. Motivation - gone. Me - gone. I always think 'this time will be different, a week off and I'll be right as rain' but I never seem to make it back to work. I'm starting a new job tomorrow, I'm so excited to be working again but dreading the effort of hiding myself. Hoping no one notices I'm like a human chameleon and that maybe they'll give me a month or so before they start avoiding me..I was diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder last Oct after being admitted in to hospital, but yet to receive any actual treatment. Sorry for sounding so negative, 'bad day'. This is me, recently moved 100 odd miles away from family with a guy I'm now sharing an apartment with but broke up with a few weeks ago to a city where I know no one and don't have the confidence to meet new people.


Thank you for your post actually everything I read is very similar to situation im in i was hospitilised involuntary for 4 months how are you keeping now? Would love to know and wish you all the best x

Hi I tried joining a

Hi I tried joining a community environment but found I took on everyone else's troubles I wanted to help them all and got worse


I tried support groups too but became carer for in-appropriate men whom I did not know. It became too scary for me, I'm now looking to work with animals as a therapeutic choice. I used to work in social care! Same stuff! It won't be over until I change x

diagnosed 2 years ago - suffered for decades

I identify with everything here and know exactly how it feels to hit rock bottom time and again. I have had many jobs over the years and each one has been sabotaged by me/my condition - usually when I thought I had finally cracked it. Lost huge amounts of money and wrecked relationships - including one amazing marriage (my fault), which thankfully had no children to suffer through it. This also wrecked my PhD and forced me back into the regular work world, which was a shame since academia would have been perfect. Now due to extensive physical pain issues as well as the BPD, panics, extreme generalized anxiety (meds for that), depression etc I can't work. In fact, the thought of a regular job terrifies me since my family would be relying on me; I remarried to a wonderful loving and supporting Turkish lady and have 2 amazing kids (9+2) who has stuck by me (God knows why LOL). And still I face the horror of the weaponised WCA test (ATOS et al) every year to try and shift me back onto JSA/workfare etc (terrifying and I always dread it); and this will get worse now the tories are back in.... My CPN was OK, as was my therapist for the obligatory 6 weeks of CBT, which is all the NHS is allowed to give now under the fascist junta and their cuts. However, on some days it is still VERY hard, and I know that all I can do is cope since this is a condition that doesn't have a cure - it's just 'part' of you. More help would be VERY nice but have no idea where to get it :( Thanks for sharing this blog, and for all the comments on here - it's good to know you aren't alone :)


Hello, how brave of you to write about your mental health experiences here. It's has been a reassuring read for me as I too have the same diagnosis and have struggled with work and feeling as you do. I've isolated myself as people just don't understand. The inner turmoil we face daily is immense and draining. I totally empathize and know exactly where your coming from as I'm pretty much the same. I thank you for sharing and bringing some comfort to me that I'm not alone. J :-)

Hi Liz... I think you sound

Hi Liz... I think you sound like a very brave, coragous person and it will probably help many people to read what you have written. Its true as you say mental health is a hidden disability and as we all have mental health I think people are sometimes frightend to recognise it in others as it means some kind of recognition of their own mental health. i really hope you find the support you need to manage on a day to day basis and build your life together. maybe when you have the right support you will be able to talk to your friends and family and start to heal. Its sounds like that is something really important to you. I work in mental health in the community and I realise how difficult it is when we feel isolated and alone...Its important for us to feel understood, we all have our stuff. Wishing you every bit of luck and love for your future x

Thank you

Thank you so much for sharing that Liz. Mental health and work can be so difficult, it sounds like you're really brave to have challenged yourself to work there. It also sounds, if people were talking about others negatively, as if it was not a very good or supportive work place. I really hope you're able to return to work in a supportive setting and are able to feel you can tell your line manager about it - that would mean you could be open, and access support, without having to mention it to others if you didn't want to. I send very best wishes to you, Jen

Total respect for this

Total respect for this blog. It must have taken a lot of strength and I hope it's the start to you getting better.

I dont want to say too much

I dont want to say too much cos im scared that people i know will see my comments, but im suffering too and are with you...stay strong.. xx

don't lose hope...

Hey, I'm so sorry you had to go through unnecessary work place pressure on top of everything else. I'm diagnosed with similar conditions i guess (anxiety, depression, Ed, eupd etc. etc.yawn!) And i figured out very early on that a 'proper' 9 to 5 office job the up allsorts of triggers and messed with my head a lot. I hated being trapped, being watched, work place cliques...just the pressure of feeling i was constantly being assessed and judged. BUT im now a mobile care worker and have held down the same job for over four years, I've had many crashes in that time, and a couple of spells of being signed of but i still love it. I guess my point its, not everyone is the same and whilst mental ill health makes it more difficult they're are ways of living a full life despite it. As an aside i totally agree that there is way too much focus put on the whole working being a productive member of society thing. Its like as long as you work everything is fine. having a job hasn't cured me, and just cos I'm holding down ajob doesn't mean I'm healthy and don't need help.but there, that's another sorry. Take care x

i know how you feel

I find it hard to understand myself, at work I feel like someone else, then in other situations I'm somthing else. Office work made me insane...couldn't do it...people looking, talking about you, etc...I did a dance degree and have always found normal work hard ...but it allowed me to stop thinking fir a while. I've been told I have traits if bpd...but this still doesn't help me understand me. I font understand how I got here or where Ian going

Well done Liz, be as open as you can

Well done Liz, no doubt you have helped others more so than yourself. Sufferers tend to believe they are the only ones to be feeling like this, to find out that one is not alone is healing. To openly discuss one's coping strategies in an almost anonymous way may also give people constructive help.

Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your experiences Liz. I get how you feel as I have been there a couple of times myself. I am recovering from a recent period of high stress, depression and anxiety. Life is full of ups and downs, especially when you suffer from mental health issues. Sadly it is difficult to talk about it sometimes but from experience, once you have spoken out about how you feel, it does help. Its is hard to get to a point you recognise you are ill and need help and even tougher asking for help and getting someone to listen. (An understanding GP is a good place to start) Thank you for sharing as you have helped me feel not so alone.Wishing you lots of luck in the future. Be strong.


Thankyou so much Liz for this blog. Emotionally Unstable sounds so much gentler than Borderline with all its stigma even within the proffessional psychiatric world. I can relate to so much you say.Lets tell the world and try and get them to understand. Bless your

This could have been written

This could have been written by me. At the moment I'm trying to allow myself to just be me around people, rather than what I think people want me to be. It's exhausting trying to hide it all the time, especially on top of depression and anxiety. I feel like I do nothing but suffer.

Time To Change

My partner has been suffering from depression and what she suspects to be BPD for as long as I’ve known her. I can’t imagine the pain that she and countless others have gone through, and a lot of this post resonates very strongly with how I’ve seen her experiences. It’s a great shame the stigma surrounding Mental Health is so strong, and it’s incredibly harmful to those suffering. To know that there is a community here on Time To Change is incredibly reassuring, and it gives me great hope to know these issues are being talked about.

I can relate, in some way, to

I can relate, in some way, to every single post here. I'd always been smart at school but found it such a struggle and also found I was able to 'slip through the cracks'/hide it until work/office life. I'm ambitious but constantly found myself never living up to what I knew I was capable of. It was say the least. I never knew I had BPD (or what would be diagnosed as BPD) but I knew I had problems (anxiety, depression, panic attacks...though it took me a lot of time to realise that is what I was having) and needed help. I started seeing a psychotherapist...a number of years ago. It's been super hard financially, emotionally, socially (due to time committment) and in so many other ways...but I wouldn't change it. I have somehow managed to be in full-time work the entire time and have stayed in it essentially to put myself through psychotherapy. I like aspects of my job but I don't feel it is entirely 'for me'. And somehow I have managed in a way that no one at my work place knows about this. I'm not quite sure how I have hidden it. I'm not convinced that I have hidden it that well and I know that my anxiety is how people just identified me as being me (I say 'identified' because I am far less anxious than I used to be...). And, for a long time, no one in my life knew I was going. It took me time just to be able to tell friends I was in psychotherapy and not be ashamed of it. And this is my first comment on a blog/public discussion about this ever... (I didn't really have the support of family to share my experience with either so I relate to those who feel very alone...and I was very select with which friends I told...and it didn't always go smoothly) I am nearly finished my long-term psychotherapy (psychoanalysis for a large part of the time meaning 5 times a week - eek! i know...). I would never have started if I knew it would be that much of a committment and if I knew that I would be in it for so long. And that has been a hard thing to deal with throughout (ie. when will I be able to stop). I only just found out that the symptoms I had (my psychotherapist says I am 'no longer borderline') would be considered or diagnosed as BPD. He decided not to tell me and, for me, I think that helped my therapy in a way. But, everyone's different. I don't want to paint an unrealistically positive picture as everyone is different and everyone's experience is different. And I was in a position (despite so many sacrifices I made personally) to be able to put myself through therapy - though it was heavily discounted. There are a number of different places out there that do offer it discounted but, from my knowledge, I've never seen it free so that won't help everyone. I found my psychotherapist when I saw a pamphlet advertising counselling in southeast London years ago: Also, I know of a place near London Bridge that I think offers discounts to some: (I don't know of it though) And everyone will have different ways to respond to different therapies (one may be better than another) so maybe psychotherapy/psychoanalysis is not for everyone. But, after long-term sacrifice of psychotherapy, I am finally able to make real connections with people and have my first boyfriend in almost 10 years (!). I'm 33. And I am dealing with things in a much better way. I really would like, in some way to be able to share my experience. Not sure if anyone wants to contact me so I can talk about my experience...but I really would be happy to help anyone...even just by giving a bit of hope. (I also felt particularly included to respond after reading BeeDee's comments...I feel, from your comment/post, that it could be me writing 10 years ago. I hope my comment is helpful and hopeful in some way :) )

Hey, Im 25 and been

Hey, Im 25 and been struggling since I was a kid. My family does more harm than good and Ive just lost my boyfriend whom I loved. Im going to pursue serious help now and your post really inspired me. How are you doing now?

thinking about you

Hi Samantha, I'm happy to hear from you and that you found my post inspiring. I think I really wrote it for 'me 10 years ago' as it would have been something I would really have benefited from then. (ie. there is hope and recovery is possible!) I'm glad someone else found it helpful. First of all, I'm very sorry to hear about your experience. There are so many things I'd like to say to you...though I can't be sure I'm not saying these things to 'me 10 years ago' too ;). I'm doing very well overall...surprisingly well (in that a few years ago, I never would have thought I'd ever say that, hence the need for the message to myself ;) ). But, for many years I was not doing well & in silence about much of this, 1st by myself & then just talking to my psychotherapist & then, slowly, with others (but not everyone! I was selective...which I think is smart! :) ). I think it's brave of you to speak about this with your family & I'm sorry to hear that the difficulty you've been having. If it helps at all, I know what its like to feel so alone. But, if I can give you any advice, it's to do what you are saying...get yourself the help you need. Spend time on yourself. See someone professionally & try to recover from this (it can be long and gruelling but possible). Hopefully, in the future when you've been able to come to terms with things and/or deal with these things and feel ok about yourself, then you can try to reach out to the people who you feel have left you, if that's still what you want then. But also remember (as I'm sure you do!) that they are also not experienced with dealing with this is hard for them. (and some people may disagree with me, but some of the dynamics with your family may not be helping the way you feel about doesn't mean you have to end things with them, but it helps to sort yourself out 1st) There's a book I've read a bit of more recently which I thought was interesting and enlightening. If, at some point in the future, you are ready to talk to them again, it may help you to explain yourself to others: 'Loving someone with borderline personality disorder' by Shari Manning. Or, it may be something you wish to recommend to them now. But, as I say, I think you should spend your energy trying to recover at the moment &, when you are stronger, 'go back' to them. Anyways, all of this is just my advice (& my ramble. Hope not hard to read! ;) ). There is no right answer. Electronic hug :)


I'm 30 and Iv been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bipolar for 6 years now and I feel at a loss the now, my cpn was useless and thought if I looked ok on outside I was fine on inside but in reality I'm dying on the inside, I find it so hard to talk about my past, my mum killed herself when I was 4 as my dad was having a affair, my brother abused me from age of 6 till I left home at 16 to live with my sons dad who abused me physically and mentally, I left him when I was 23 and since then have not had a stable relationship but have gone on to have another son, I self harm in numerous ways and worry that my kids are better off without me, I have no one to turn to or to talk to and just wish I could close my eyes and slip away.


Hi Charlene, I'm really sorry to hear that you had that experience. Please don't feel like you are alone - there are people out there that can help you. Samaritans are now free to call on 116 123. As an anti-stigma campaign we aren't able to offer advice on support directly, but you may find these links useful: Best, Crystal at Time to Change

Thank God for this post.

Heefee I would really appreciate any help you can give me. I haven't been diagnosed yet but but a good friend of mine who is a psychiatrist told me he was pretty sure I have unstable personality disorder. I've always been a very anxious, moody and paranoid person. I've managed to hide it my whole life. I'm 37 now and having been through IVF, miscarriage and divorce within a short period of time has kinda tipped me over. I also have endometriosis stage 4 and I've had to have over ten surgeries and procedures. The condition has no cure so I try to manage the chronic pain and the long list of sumptoms that come with it. I was made redundant six months ago as my sickness record is terrible. I'm in hospital almost every month. I'm at the stage where I don't know what to do anymore. I'm really tempted to give up. I need help.

your post

Penny I can really sympathise I had endo stage 3 and had four miscarriages before my hyst and am now in surgical menopause. It takes it toll. I also had a very unsympathetic employer at the height of my treatment. I saw a counsellor who specialised in infertility it really helped I could pass her details if you like. Don't be hard on yourself endo is a rubbish disease my heart goes out to you.

thinking about you...

Dear Penny, I'm very sorry for the late response. And I'm really sorry to hear about your experience. I don't know much about endometriosis but my sister does have it (so I should really know more...). I'm afraid I don't really know what advice I should give you in your situation as I don't know it in detail and I'm not a professional. But I think it is important not to be too hard on yourself and to give yourself time to deal with your issues, with professional support. Also, while it's helpful to find others experiences with BPD valuable, it may be more helpful to focus on addressing your issues and the way they manifest themselves - anxiety and paranoia - rather than trying to focus on the diagnosis and treating of BPD. Others may disagree, though! I found psychotherapy to be really useful - it focuses on lots of things (not just on 'symptoms'). It can take really long (!), but it can have more lasting effects than shorter-term therapies like CBT, etc. I'm sure you've looked at a bunch of resources but you may find it helpful to look at the NICE guideline on borderline personality disorder, if you haven't already (see, in particular, the recommendations. I don't appear to be able to post a link here but you can find it by searching in google). I haven't read it all through but I have read other NICE guidelines and they can be really useful. They are based on the current clinical evidence of what works best. I obviously don't know how your situation is now, a number of months later, but I hope you have found some help and are at least on your way to a place where you are coping. I know what it feels like to be in a perpetual state of 'not coping'. Thinking about you...

I need some hope

Hi, my name is Sam and I'm living thru my second breakdown in 5 years, I'm see a therapist who doesn't like or feel the need to label people but when asked did say that psychiatrist s would say I had BPD. After being in total unawareness or denial all my life ot thinking I was normal I can now see that I've been this way from a very young age.....perhaps even 5 or 6 but never recognised I had a problem. I'm now 35 and in complete dire straights, wondering how I will ever cope with myself again, everyday is a struggle of will, I've had to quit work which makes me feel like even less of a human being, I'm lying to everyone, telling them im fine as it's easier than admitting the truth, I'm an intelligent person, you would think I'd have the knowledge and/or courage to have more faith in myself but I don't even know who I am anymore, I don't know why I feel this way, I know I cannot go on like this forever even tho I've been trying to convince myself I can for the sake of others, reading this back I sound so dramatic, no wonder I don't want to tell anyone, who would believe it, I can't believe it myself.


Sam you're not the only one to suffer like this. I do identify with what you say and feel very similar to yourself. It's so hard when you have all these feelings bubbling around in your head and nobody truly understands or feels what you feel. I don't think the right help is out there yet because it's difficult to know how to treat these problems. Physical pain is preferable to this. I feel completely lost and miserable and wish it would all stop

Physical Pain Better? I Think Not...

I don't have BPD, but I have suffered from severe depression and mixed state depression all my life. I also have severe physical pain. Early childhood stress breaks down the immune system if you're not careful about managing your stress as an adult (please take head on this -- I was in medicine and research and it's a real risk). I got auto-immune disease plus permanent bone death in lots of joints from the corticosteroids used to treat the illness. I'm just writing to say I'm not sure I agree with the comment that physical pain is better. I'm at much greater risk of taking my own life than I was when I was solely depressed. In fact, I've accepted that it is just a matter of time because both are just too much to deal with, and I've been doing both for 23 years. Chronic physical pain just wears you out. I'm not at all discounting mental health pain -- both are horrible, just different. Kudos to everyone here for helping the dialog that will break down the stigmas.

What now?

I know how you feel except I always knew something is wrong with me. By the time I was 7 I was self harming. However people thought I am only an attention seeker. I am now 32 and finally got the diagnosis of BPD/EUPD last week. I don't know how to feel or make out of if. Services constantly let me down. Tried to seek help for my constant suicidal thoughts for years. Only to run into 'she is doing it to get attention'. So I gave up and didn't let anyone in anymore and tried to deal with it on my own which led me to complete isolation. Recent events led me to not being able to cope with my life anymore and finally been seen by professionals. So I have my diagnosis. I just don't know what to do with it. Waiting for my referral I have know idea how long will take. Trying to keep up the 'Everything is fine' so at least I still have a job if nothing else. Doing research how to get better but the answers I find only making me feel more hopeless and angry and confused. Everyday is a struggle. The moodswings are terrible and draining. Lying every day to cover up my mental illness. Being labelled as a cry-baby or childish or weak. If they only knew how strong I am that I am still alive. Not giving in. Not acting on those thoughts. I am intelligent too but it's nothing to do with IQ but emotions. I don't really make sense but this is the first time I am admitting all these out loud for everyone to see. See my desperation? I want to feel better. I want to be normal. I just don't know if I will ever get there. Or being normal is possible for me at all.

So many questions...

Hi I was diagnosed with BPD last May by psychiatrist. However I was told to read up the symptoms and see if I recognise myself before the diagnosis could be definite. I feel a lot of what I read on this blog is me, even though I have been able to organise my life and everyone else's life around me pretty well over the years. In my family I have always been the clever one, the one that everyone turns to for help, resolving everyone's problems. This however has put a lot of burden on me and strain and finally now I am not able to function at all. I am not able to return to work, have a social life, be a mother or a wife....I just can't be bothered anymore. At time I think I done enough and no one cares about me. I made sure everyone is ok, children, husband, mother, brother, I can go away as far as possible so no one will have find me. I have always been pretty successful in everything I do but when I reach the top I become bored, the motivation goes and I feel like and old car breaking up bit by bit, and never really know if today is the last journey I am able to do before I completely break down beyond repair. I suppose what I really need to know is if my diagnosis is right or my condition is the result of so much burden on me over the years....I have 2 disabled children, I have been a victim of domestic violence for over 20 years with my husband, was physically and sexually abused as a child....but all of this is actually a good ground to explain the causes of my illness, so BPD sounds pretty an accurate diagnosis. I will have a further assessment next week and hopefully will have a clear picture of me..I hope. By the way I also had psychoanalysis (Freudian) started at the age of 18 until I was 23. I think that helped me a lot through life and maybe that's why I was able to achieve a lot up until now. However I am completely broken down now and don't know if I will ever recover again. Thank you all for sharing your experiences and pls stay positive for all of us.

Should I accept a BPD label if it makes getting help harder?

I recognise most of the symptoms of BPD in myself; the mood swings, short-temper, self-sabotage, black and white thinking, the obsession with what others think about me or what I think they think about me, very low confidence, lack of personal identity. However I don't self-harm. Do all BDP sufferers self-harm? I have threatened suicide a few times and took overdoses of painkillers (not with the intention of dying), but this is not a regular thing for me. Looking back I think I've always been like this. I suffer from anxiety and depression but it's been getting harder and harder to cope. spoke to my GP last week and am awaiting a referal to the Psychiatric team. I was considering voicing my concerns that I may have BDP but am concerned after reading some of the posts that if I get a BDP diagnosis they will be less helpful. Am am better to 'steer them clear' of giving me this label? I don't want to be 'labled' I just want to be able to explain to those closest to me how I feel and how they can help. It's very brave of you Liz to talk out about how you are feeling. I wish you all the best and hope you get the support you need Xx :0) Best of luck to everyone coping with mental health problems cos it's a nightmare and I hope everyone gets the right help to recover or at least manage.


I am an EUPD sufferer.

In the same position as you...

Hi Liz, Firstly, thanks for being so brave and posting your blog. I could relate to absolutely everything you said and a similar situation happened to me (although I lost my job in the end for being signed off ill for a month with mental health problems!) Despite having a (who I thought was) nice manager, I never disclosed my mental health problems (depression, GAD, BDD, BPD etc)as 1. I wouldn't have got the job if I had and already went through 3 grueling interviews to get it during a recession and 2. It would have made me even more paranoid about what people thought. Like others have mentioned too, I am an expert at covering these problems up in public and nobody at work suspected anything was wrong and just like others said, I start off well in jobs making a great impression despite my inner struggles and then after a few months I just can't hide my problems anymore and my depression gets worse and I felt suicidal and became unable to carry on and had to move cities and come back home to live with my parents (I'm nearly 27). I've realised this kind of office, structured environment is just not healthy for me and I'm planning on doing something else or setting up my own business. I would love to get in touch with other people in a similar situation as it is so isolating and feel there is not enough help, which only makes it worse. So if anyone wants to get in contact, let me know.

Just been diagnosed

Hi there and this blog has really helped me to resonate with how this is, I am 37 and had PTSD 5 years ago and depression and anxiety most of my life and only been a week being told I have BPD. All of it makes sense to me why I am the way I am but have lost my closest family member Charlotte because of my out bursts, I have lost my best friend I had for 20 years because of this condition. Been told I have had it for years and looking forward to helping myself with the CBT. Every day is a challenge for me and I often cry because how am I going to be next. It drains me of all self worth and avoid now anything so I do not bother people. Sorry for babbling it just a lot to understand and wish I had more support or at least understanding from my friends and family. My partner has been my rock but I have treated him horrifically over the years, half the time I don't even see that it's me and I can't help it. Have had REDT CBT mindfulness and all of this before being diagnosed with BPD. If any one can share any words of wisdom it would be greatly appreciated :-)


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