It takes so much effort to hide my mental health problems
For me, having Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (also known as Borderline Personality Disorder) means I care deeply about what others think of me. At every opportunity I believe that people are ridiculing me, that they can’t be bothered with me and that I’m a burden to them. Like many people suffering with a mental health problem I’m brilliant at hiding how I’m really feeling; I don’t often jump at the chance to discuss my problems because I worry they’ll be interpreted as a sign of weakness or incompetence but it’s time to change!
After graduating from university I found a job within three months and couldn’t believe my luck! I wanted to lead a normal life, have a job, rent a flat and save enough money to travel. I hadn’t planned on telling my employer about my mental health problems; however, I was devastated when, on the first day, I had a panic attack. I explained to my supervisor that I suffered with anxiety and depression but didn’t go into any detail. He was understanding and assured me that everything would be fine; unfortunately, as the weeks progressed, I became increasingly paranoid.
The office environment was stressful for me
The office environment was stressful for me; people were constantly talking negatively about one another, I didn’t feel as though my job was secure, I found it difficult to distinguish what was appropriate conversation and what wasn’t. People would keep asking me why I wouldn’t eat at work during the day, not realising that I have an eating disorder. I hated walking through the office because I couldn’t stand the idea of people staring at me. This made simple tasks extremely difficult, such as using the scanner, photocopier or talking to colleagues when I needed their help.
I experienced regular panic attacks which were distressing and difficult to control. I was told unsympathetically to ‘stop crying’ and ‘calm down’ by a colleague who didn’t understand what was happening. On another occasion when I became upset I was told to ‘go home’ and ‘not let the rest of the office see me like that’ because it looks ‘unprofessional’.
Things would be easier if I could tell people
"Things would be a lot easier if I tell them about my mental health problems," I’d often think to myself.
I was scared about telling them in case they thought I was being pathetic. When they’d make negative comments about mental health I’d become embarrassed and change my mind about telling them. If I’d have been more confident I’d have challenged their attitudes but I was only twenty-one and in an office full of more experienced colleagues who were at least twice my age. I still should have said something.
I hope I'll be able to talk to friends and family
After six months my mental health had deteriorated considerably and I was forced to take time off. The thought of going back to work frightened me but I couldn’t help feeling pressurised to return as soon as possible. I felt guilty and frustrated with myself. Eventually I resigned; I had no idea how long it would take for me to be well enough to return to work.
Twelve months, eight hospital admissions and countless mental health workers later I’m still struggling to cope. I hope that, in the future, I’ll be able to talk about my mental health openly with friends, family, colleagues and employers. It’s such a huge part of my life that it takes too much effort to keep it hidden; besides, I have nothing to be ashamed about.
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I can relate, in some way, to
I can relate, in some way, to every single post here. I'd always been smart at school but found it such a struggle and also found I was able to 'slip through the cracks'/hide it until work/office life. I'm ambitious but constantly found myself never living up to what I knew I was capable of. It was frustrating...to say the least.
I never knew I had BPD (or what would be diagnosed as BPD) but I knew I had problems (anxiety, depression, panic attacks...though it took me a lot of time to realise that is what I was having) and needed help. I started seeing a psychotherapist...a number of years ago. It's been super hard financially, emotionally, socially (due to time committment) and in so many other ways...but I wouldn't change it. I have somehow managed to be in full-time work the entire time and have stayed in it essentially to put myself through psychotherapy. I like aspects of my job but I don't feel it is entirely 'for me'. And somehow I have managed in a way that no one at my work place knows about this. I'm not quite sure how I have hidden it. I'm not convinced that I have hidden it that well and I know that my anxiety is how people just identified me as being me (I say 'identified' because I am far less anxious than I used to be...).
And, for a long time, no one in my life knew I was going. It took me time just to be able to tell friends I was in psychotherapy and not be ashamed of it. And this is my first comment on a blog/public discussion about this ever... (I didn't really have the support of family to share my experience with either so I relate to those who feel very alone...and I was very select with which friends I told...and it didn't always go smoothly)
I am nearly finished my long-term psychotherapy (psychoanalysis for a large part of the time meaning 5 times a week - eek! i know...). I would never have started if I knew it would be that much of a committment and if I knew that I would be in it for so long. And that has been a hard thing to deal with throughout (ie. when will I be able to stop). I only just found out that the symptoms I had (my psychotherapist says I am 'no longer borderline') would be considered or diagnosed as BPD. He decided not to tell me and, for me, I think that helped my therapy in a way. But, everyone's different.
I don't want to paint an unrealistically positive picture as everyone is different and everyone's experience is different. And I was in a position (despite so many sacrifices I made personally) to be able to put myself through therapy - though it was heavily discounted. There are a number of different places out there that do offer it discounted but, from my knowledge, I've never seen it free so that won't help everyone. I found my psychotherapist when I saw a pamphlet advertising counselling in southeast London years ago: southeastlondoncounselling.org.uk/. Also, I know of a place near London Bridge that I think offers discounts to some: wpf.org.uk (I don't know of it though)
And everyone will have different ways to respond to different therapies (one may be better than another) so maybe psychotherapy/psychoanalysis is not for everyone.
But, after long-term sacrifice of psychotherapy, I am finally able to make real connections with people and have my first boyfriend in almost 10 years (!). I'm 33. And I am dealing with things in a much better way.
I really would like, in some way to be able to share my experience. Not sure if anyone wants to contact me so I can talk about my experience...but I really would be happy to help anyone...even just by giving a bit of hope. (I also felt particularly included to respond after reading BeeDee's comments...I feel, from your comment/post, that it could be me writing 10 years ago. I hope my comment is helpful and hopeful in some way :) )
Time To Change
My partner has been suffering from depression and what she suspects to be BPD for as long as I’ve known her. I can’t imagine the pain that she and countless others have gone through, and a lot of this post resonates very strongly with how I’ve seen her experiences.
It’s a great shame the stigma surrounding Mental Health is so strong, and it’s incredibly harmful to those suffering. To know that there is a community here on Time To Change is incredibly reassuring, and it gives me great hope to know these issues are being talked about.
This could have been written
This could have been written by me. At the moment I'm trying to allow myself to just be me around people, rather than what I think people want me to be. It's exhausting trying to hide it all the time, especially on top of depression and anxiety. I feel like I do nothing but suffer.
EUPD(BPD)
Thankyou so much Liz for this blog. Emotionally Unstable sounds so much gentler than Borderline with all its stigma even within the proffessional psychiatric world. I can relate to so much you say.Lets tell the world and try and get them to understand. Bless your heart.xxx
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your experiences Liz. I get how you feel as I have been there a couple of times myself. I am recovering from a recent period of high stress, depression and anxiety. Life is full of ups and downs, especially when you suffer from mental health issues. Sadly it is difficult to talk about it sometimes but from experience, once you have spoken out about how you feel, it does help. Its is hard to get to a point you recognise you are ill and need help and even tougher asking for help and getting someone to listen. (An understanding GP is a good place to start)
Thank you for sharing as you have helped me feel not so alone.Wishing you lots of luck in the future. Be strong.
Well done Liz, be as open as you can
Well done Liz, no doubt you have helped others more so than yourself. Sufferers tend to believe they are the only ones to be feeling like this, to find out that one is not alone is healing. To openly discuss one's coping strategies in an almost anonymous way may also give people constructive help.
don't lose hope...
Hey, I'm so sorry you had to go through unnecessary work place pressure on top of everything else. I'm diagnosed with similar conditions i guess (anxiety, depression, Ed, eupd etc. etc.yawn!) And i figured out very early on that a 'proper' 9 to 5 office job the up allsorts of triggers and messed with my head a lot. I hated being trapped, being watched, work place cliques...just the pressure of feeling i was constantly being assessed and judged. BUT im now a mobile care worker and have held down the same job for over four years, I've had many crashes in that time, and a couple of spells of being signed of but i still love it. I guess my point its, not everyone is the same and whilst mental ill health makes it more difficult they're are ways of living a full life despite it.
As an aside i totally agree that there is way too much focus put on the whole working being a productive member of society thing. Its like as long as you work everything is fine. having a job hasn't cured me, and just cos I'm holding down ajob doesn't mean I'm healthy and don't need help.but there, that's another sorry. Take care x
I dont want to say too much
I dont want to say too much cos im scared that people i know will see my comments, but im suffering too and are with you...stay strong.. xx
Total respect for this
Total respect for this blog.
It must have taken a lot of strength and I hope it's the start to you getting better.
Thank you
Thank you so much for sharing that Liz. Mental health and work can be so difficult, it sounds like you're really brave to have challenged yourself to work there. It also sounds, if people were talking about others negatively, as if it was not a very good or supportive work place. I really hope you're able to return to work in a supportive setting and are able to feel you can tell your line manager about it - that would mean you could be open, and access support, without having to mention it to others if you didn't want to. I send very best wishes to you, Jen
Hi Liz... I think you sound
Hi Liz...
I think you sound like a very brave, coragous person and it will probably help many people to read what you have written. Its true as you say mental health is a hidden disability and as we all have mental health I think people are sometimes frightend to recognise it in others as it means some kind of recognition of their own mental health.
i really hope you find the support you need to manage on a day to day basis and build your life together. maybe when you have the right support you will be able to talk to your friends and family and start to heal. Its sounds like that is something really important to you. I work in mental health in the community and I realise how difficult it is when we feel isolated and alone...Its important for us to feel understood, we all have our stuff. Wishing you every bit of luck and love for your future x
:-)
Hello,
how brave of you to write about your mental health experiences here. It's has been a reassuring read for me as I too have the same diagnosis and have struggled with work and feeling as you do. I've isolated myself as people just don't understand. The inner turmoil we face daily is immense and draining.
I totally empathize and know exactly where your coming from as I'm pretty much the same.
I thank you for sharing and bringing some comfort to me that I'm not alone.
J
:-)
Just diagnosed
I often though I sabotaged myself deliberately whenever life became good for me, I had no idea BPD even existed, I just thought I was bad. Things would be fine...then...I would get to the situation I was off work and I'd never go back because I felt so embarrassed that I could not cope with with work life! The think I hate is I'm a good worker, but I cant cope with the environment (everything outside of the work). I really hope joining a therapeutic community will sort me out.
Helen
Can I ask how you were diagnosed? It's just that, this sounds like me but everytime I crash, I am treated for depression with CBT, pretty standard stuff. I am about to start a new job and I am dreading it, the paranoia, the self sabotage, the looming horrendous prospect of promotion which should be so exciting. I don't know what to do. I am not allowed to talk or think about it - put it behind me - but it isn't gone! I feel lazy and incapable. I also know I'll start off really well at my new place and then a month in I'll not be able to even send an email. Does this make sense? I feel like I'll never work out what this is :'(
emotionally unstable personality disorder
I have been told by my care coordinator that this is my diagnosis and identify with everything in the blog. I am struggling as I am not getting much support from the mental health team.
Well done posting on here,
Well done posting on here, that's really courageous. I'm going through something very similar, but I still haven't completely made it through university yet. I can imagine full-time work will be hard for me too, paranoia and anxiety have made things difficult for me to work even odd jobs. The only thing keeping me going is the knowledge that BPD is known as "The good prognosis diagnosis", so I'm sure things will get better for both of us, hopefully.
Stay strong.
Eat or Treat
I also have Borderline Personality Disorder and it's so hard. I keep being told to get a job and it will fix me, no matter how much I explain to people how I can't cope with normal tasks I get told a job will help. I had to leave both secondary school AND college because of these issues. I'm not stupid, I got A's and B's in school. It's like people hear me but don't get it. If you're not in a situation that "normal" people would consider stressful then they don't see why you would behave any other way. The thought of being in a full time steady job sends me into panic and there are constant risks of having benefits taken from me. Leaving school was horrible enough but the difference with a job is that you can't just walk out, they rely on you not the other way around. The problem is that during this time I can't even get help because I have had every single thing that the NHS offer and I'm still unwell and I'm then told that the only way to get better is to pay for treatment which then leads to the choice of either eating every week or having therapy. So it's either find a way to make myself better or become homeless and potentially dying.
Hi Simone, you can get in
Hi Simone, you can get in touch with the Mind and Rethink Mental Illness infolines and they will be able to highlight the different forms of support available to you - you can find their contact details here. Somtimes talking to someone you trust about what you are going through can help too, this could be friends, family or your local GP. The Samaritans are also always available to talk to on 08457 90 90 90 or by emailing jo@samaritans.org. You can find tips about talking about your own experiences of mental health problems on our website, sharing a blog with the person (like the one above) may be a good way to help to explain how you're feeling.
Work's A Drag.....
This is the first time I've turned to looking at other sources of help, and instantly I've managed to find something that mimics exactly the way that I'm feeling.
I've suffered from severe bouts of depression and anxiety for around 10 years, and I'm only 24. Getting through high school and university without anybody ever realising what I was going through behind closed doors was a doddle compared to the stress and strain of everyday office life! I am completely exhausted with trying to hide a meltdown, or convincing myself that everyone in the office doesn't think I'm weird or miserable all of the time.
Feeling mentally drained and physically lethargic is affecting every aspect of my life; relationships, excercise, diet; All because I'm finding it impossible to control work life. I snap, I cry, I laugh. I don't know who I am anymore!
I've been considering for some months now how and when to take time off to adjust to different medication, or to just breathe and sleep for that matter! But I'm too scared to mention it. I work in a corporate environment which is my first job out of university, and somehow, I have managed to convince myself that I've failed at the first hurdle.
I know that reading this and other blog posts will help me find a little inner strength and belief.
Thankyou.
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