How do you answer the question: "how are you?"
"How are you?" is probably the most frequently asked question in the world. No matter where you go, you can’t escape it. Social norms dictate that the question should be asked in all circumstances, whether you’re a best friend or a total stranger. But it’s the scariest question in the world when you’re having a bad day.
It’s okay though because I’ve become a pro at answering it. I hate lying you see, it makes me feel guilty. So instead of “Not bad thanks”, I’ll say “Not too bad thanks”. Notice the ‘too’. What that really means is “I’m bad, but not too bad because I’m still... alive”. It means I’m awful but if I’m still standing here talking to you then I guess it could be worse?
But why do I still feel the need to use these strategies? I’m passionate about ending the taboo surrounding mental health; I’m a complete advocate for the cause. A lot of people have written about the ‘how are you’ predicament and put it down to stigma. I don’t know if it’s stigma for me anymore. Maybe it is. Maybe it’s fear of causing someone else awkwardness. Maybe it’s not wanting to inflict myself on others. All I know is that it leaves me feeling exposed, like an open wound.
I’m very open about my history of mental illness
I’m very open about my history of mental illness. There’s virtually nothing that I wouldn’t share anymore. But as I write this, I realise maybe that’s it: ‘my history of mental illness’. Is it more acceptable to talk about when you used to be ill, when you used to struggle, because now you’re ‘stronger’? I always say that my experiences have made me stronger but is that inadvertently stigmatising? Is that an admission that when I was unwell, I was ‘weak’? I do feel that by confessing that I’m not okay, I’m being beaten by it again and I should be more resilient. I think perhaps I’m good at challenging other people’s stigma but don’t address my own internalised discrimination. And self-stigma is the most damaging kind.
Another phrase I use quite often is “I’m alright”, because it’s non-committal, it doesn’t really give anything away. But my best friend has cottoned onto this one, and has stared replying “only alright?” Damn. I’ve been foiled. Maybe I’m not such a pro after all. I guess the truth is, even if you think you’ve perfected that mask that hides yourself from those around you, the people who know you best will one day figure out how to take it off.
What do you think about the issues raised in this blog? Share your views with us on Twitter >>
Or pledge to share your experience of mental health today and find out how talking tackles discrimination.
Subscribe
Blog Categories
We are led by:
Comments
How are you?
I say 'Fine, you?'. For those who know me, that translates as 'Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional' for everyone else, they just feel content that they have recognised I exist.
Reply to the question, "How are you?"
"How long have you got?"
The question isn't what it seems
I always used to feel awkward about not answering this question truthfully, but then I came to a conclusion. People who ask "How are you" are really not interested at all in how you are. They are simply performing a common and reassuring social ritual, the required answer to which is "Fine thanks. And you?" And as soon as I started to doing this, I found it quite liberating because the question is not about health at all, but just having something nice to say when you meet someone. It takes practice, but it works well for me. It's not dishonesty, it's just going with the flow....
When youre having those days
When youre having those days and you still have to go into work, the charade is almost impossible to maintain. I had one of those today and you wish there was a way to pithily say "I am likely going to be trudging around grimacing every time i have to move today" but it isnt always easy to find the phrase, especially given your ability to articulate yourself can completely break down.
Its perfectly fine to lie if it doesnt make you feel guilty, but if even your confidence in your ability to carry a cup of tea from one room to the other is shaken from its core youre going to make mistakes, and people are gonna notice. It helps if you have understanding colleagues who know that these days dont come along all the time, they might not have a full understanding what "it" is, but when they know you're still prepared to come in and try in spite of it all, they do appreciate you for it when you come in the next day.
Being able to be honest with colleagues can be everything, ive been in places where ive felt consistently awful all week and working with entirely unsympathetic people and i cant believe I stayed there as long as i did.
Too negative
I try to answer as honestly as possible most of the time and as a result people say I'm 'too negative'. Where do you find the balance between having a postive outlook and just being honest?
When bad days turn to bad weeks
Don't think any one will read this but here goes...... Depression and anxiety run my life and has done for many years have seen Dr and Mental Health but I seem to be goin no where fast. My family try to help but they get mad at me when I tell them how I feel, which makes me feel even worse ( I know it not because they don't care) but I feel as if I am bringing them down with me. My head is such a mess or is it ( am I just doin this for attention ) it's as if I have a good side of me and a bad side I am always fighting with my self . Try to tell myself to farm down the other side is sayin that I deserve all this ( and no I am not hearin voices it just my tryin to control my head need help am I goin crazy
Hi Tilly, sorry to hear that
Hi Tilly, sorry to hear that you were/are having a bad time, I hope you found support; there is a lot out there so keep looking!
re When bad days turn to bad weeks
Tilly, you are not alone & I bet lots of people read your message & cared deeply for you. I do. I use all these techniques to manage my condition. *Medications & therapy. Friends & family should only be a secondary source of support. * It is important to learn that just because we think something, doesn't make it true. We are bombarded by thousands of thoughts a day. They can lead even the healthiest of people down a negative spiral. * Meditation helps you to control your thoughts by focusing on something else, like your breath. You can learn free online.* An excellent book is "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David D. Burns teaches you to identify what you are thinking when you feel bad & which of 10 major thinking mistakes is making you feel bad. * Another book I recommend is one I am rereading now, called "I AM" by Howard Falco. It teaches that our life presents itself exactly according to our identification of who "I am". Both are at Amazon & cheap. * Another avenue to consider is one of the many "healing groups" popping up. These are spiritual, but not religious, and are loving,compassionate people who get together to practice various healing techniques. * If you believe in a higher power, or even the possibility of one, talk to Him/Her/it. You get to talk & you will not be criticized, or be made to feel that you have been negative. What can it hurt? Much love, Christine
How are you ?
I agree, but I also have two answers; one is silly and that is 'I'm good for a Wednesday' Middle of the week and the hope is that things have / are improving as the week progresses, but like you, the 'I'm getting better / feeling better than I was' answer will always spark a conversation.
The biggest problem I had has was, while i was off work with mental illness, in telling people I was suffering from severe depression and them saying, "Well you don't look depressed !"
Fellow sufferers knew exactly how I was feeeling and I was glad that they were there, along with my loving wife, who was amazingly understanding.
How are you
It's a good point. Sometimes I get people saying in a very sympathetic way "and how are you?" Most of the time I want to punch them in the face.
I agree!
It's like you took the words right out of my mouth! I could never have written it so well but, yeah exactly how I feel x
How are you?
My favourite answer to that, is, if it's the truth; "I've been better" which could be true and apply to most people in some way, 99% of the time. If it's a stranger then it will be "I've been better, I've been worse!"..
I hate lying too.
How are you ?
But that is exactly that. HOW ARE YOU? I have been known to burst into tears and suffer from feelings of shame and mortification because of that. Recognizing that when a friend cares about you and asks you then they really want to know. It may be the conventional way of engaging but as a friend once told me "if I don't ask, I don't know. And if you don''t say, I can't guess". For me it was like a catalyst. Having to take responsibility and trying to stop hoping that people could read my mind and feelings, especially when I am feeling down and all I need is someone reaching out. Yes, you may want to scream but at least you are also given the feeling that someone out there cares. As for the strangers in the shop, in the street, etc... I am constantly surprised at how many respond with sympathy. Of course it is not a question of pouring your heart out to someone you don't know, but simply saying that you are having an awful day seems to make other people more comfortable in admitting that they are not having a nice day either. It is not a question that misery invites misery but openness does the trick. And a smile! As for the robotic strangers who seem to go through life hiding behind what constitutes the norm - Well yes they are not interested, so what? Fight the norm! A nod will do just fine, a grunt works equally well.
thereis not enuff help for mental health people
my father suffered all my born life with mental health there is not enuff people out there for them who understand them also my partner suffered with mental health they promise every thing but when it comes down to it nobody want s to nw the sistem is so unfair
Not stigmatizing at all
My experience with mental health issues have absolutely made me stronger. No its not self-stigmatizing to say so. Just like anyone who has struggled with illness - I'm sure they would also say their experience has made them stronger.
By the way, I too have a passion for bringing mental health issues into mainstream. I yak to all my friends, families, sometimes strangers about my struggles. And I will OFTEN portray my issues in a humourous light. Thank goodness I"ve got a fantastic sense of humour to get me through some hellish times.
How do you answer "How are you"
When I am having a bad time I often say "hanging in there."
sorry
sorry to ask im new how do you start a blog
My usual phrase for when I am
My usual phrase for when I am feeling really low is .. "Meh...not really fit for human consumption" my friends know that means things aren't good, also it explains why I have been quiet and not emailing etc
my experience with mental health today
This morning I wanted to die. Then I wanted to go to hospital. I was scared of being on my own. Every week I try to go to do volunteering work so I went for a few hours. I felt some calm. I returned home. Now Im feeling low again, but I have my family with me. I know they love me and I them. But its not enough when I am like this, and the cycle starts again with my guilt for feeling like this.
Hello, if you ever need to
Hello, if you ever need to talk to somebody about how you are feeling, the Samaritans are always there to listen on 08457 90 90 90 or email jo@samaritans.org or if you wanted to speak to someone face to face you can find your local branch.
how are you?
Great post - agree so much. Counter strategies are good but those close can know what it masks. Worse still can be those who ask, knowing it might not be good, but don' t want to hear anything they might then feel they have to do something about!
"meh"
Thank you very much for this blog. It is indeed one of the hardest questions to answer. I am very lucky that within my intimate circle of friends I can be more blunt in my response answers like "meh", "mmm, so , so, mainly...so" or "f*cking awful- not good at all, please get me a drink". I think I have always striven to be honest with myself about how I am feeling, but this is always more difficult to do with acquaintances or work colleagues. Its a hard question to answer when you know the person asking it doesn't really care enough or have the time to listen or accept your honest answer.
Also, I have found that regardless of how comfortable I am with accepting my weaknesses, or having gone through tough times. It is in other peoples inability to accept in their own foibles that then creates a stigma against myself. I have stupidly let people like this affect my own perception of myself, and then getting myself down about it. It seems like the only acceptable attitude is to always think things are rosy all of the time, and if they aren't, then lie about it. Tough times.
Great blog Harriet (-__-) I
Great blog Harriet (-__-)
I find that now I have finally accepted myself and the way my moods work, the more I am able to express how I feel, and consequently have discovered that most people appreciate the honesty. We often stigmatize ourselves I guess? No more smiling depressive for me.
Why do we need this question ?
I think that Harriet has hit the nail on the head by saying:
I hate lying you see, it makes me feel guilty
Some nations, and some characters, are better at dealing with this question for what it is, a meaningless pleasantry - as a teenager, my best friend at school and I hadn't quite twigged that it wasn't an enquiry about his or my state of health that was to be answered in the detail that a GP should be prepared to hear, and I've never felt comfortable with answering it, probably because it feels untruthful, except when saying, as I also do, 'Not too bad'.
Somehow, the question still takes me by surprise, because I dispense with asking it socially, or use a more relevant and sincere 'Are you OK ?', whereas, even to 'How are you doing ?', some British people have adopted from the States saying I'm good !, which is a kind of proposition that defies polite examination or challenge : What's so good about you, then, or what you're doing ?!
So people don't really care, but we need some passable answer - maybe it's that first bit, that someone's asking, but couldn't care less, and, maybe from that, how much of human interaction is just pretending... ?
same
hi, i think i did this for a long time and it is pretty self defeating tbh, i know i wasn't feeling good at the time and i was in denial so i would hide the fact that i was unwell plus the fact that i didn't want to bring anyone else down with my problems, i felt like "they don't need to hear this" and "i don't want to talk about it anyway" like it was my problem and me and only me could solve it, it was like i was protecting them and myself at the same time and it wasn't good, it's like you are bottling up your true feelings everytime someone tries to help when all we really should be doing is being honest about it (to the right people of course) people we can trust, people that want to help.i know it is hard to talk about it, maybe you feel like you've said it all before and it doesn't matter, but it does matter everything matters, what we do, what we say and think, everything happens for a reason, and we just need to try and put it into perspective. take care.
How are you?
I usually answer with 'So so'. For those who don't know me and are only asking the question as a social convention, they generally take that to mean fine. Anyone who wants to know will ask what that means.
Post new comment