Nothing prepares you for your child being affected by a mental illness

Jess seems like a lovely, bright, strong girl and I wish her the best in everything she does in her life. I'm 2 months away from 18 and in my second year of college - I've never been a particularly confident person, but ever since starting college last year, everything has been going downhill. The amount of stress that is put on people while in education is just ridiculous, and it causes so many people to suffer. Last year my mum got me to see a counsellor, and for a while it got better but this year it's worse than ever (and I've only been back at college for two months!) My self esteem has completely plummeted, I've been self harming and having suicidal thoughts, and I'm scared - the trouble is, whenever I talk to my mum about it, she kind of brushes it aside. Obviously she hates the though of me being ill, I can't imagine what it does to a parent, but it makes me feel even worse about myself. How can I get my mum to listen to me when I say that I feel really, really awful?

I started to suffer with depression at 15, possibly at the worst time (exams)! I had 3 months off school in my GCSE year- I refused point blank to go to school- my Mum would have to force me into the car every day, but I would refuse to get out when I got to school. My GP referred me to CAMHS at 16. This is quite often the worst age to get referred as the local (and many other CAMHS teams in the UK) seem to lose interest, and many adult services will not take you before 18. I am 29 now and have spent at least 11 of the past 14 years on antidepressants with services that have ranged from pants to excellent. It wasn't until 2007/8 that I was diagnosed as Borderline (after umpteen hospital admissions). It took a lot of therapy to get where I am now and I will need to be on medication for life as my body and mind just do not function without! I know I put my Mum through hell, but we came through it. I also understand exactly how unconditional love is... Mum could have abandoned me and she didn't. Debbie, I admire your integrity and strength. I wish you both a strong and happy relationship for the future!

Thank you everyone for so much support, its amazing.
Just remember it can get better and i am happy to talk to anyone about my experiences, as i want to help as many people as i can, and i know talking can really help sometimes xxx

my daughter beth has been my on off carer since she was 10 she is now almost 19 because i myself suffer from severe stress and depression and have physical problems. From when beth was about 15 she started suffering with the same physical problems as myself and like debbies daughter became gripped by stress and depression. She was being bullied and the school was not interested. It came to a point where beth was too stressed and scared to go to school and missed most of her final year only managing to go in to do a few exams not nearly as many as she should have even though she had been predicted to do well. All this went out of the window and all she could manage were ds. She only did these exams because of pressure from gps and cahms (child and adolescent mental health service) that the school allowed her to sit her exams on her own because she couldnt cope with large groups of students at once. Beth also tried to overdose because of how bad things were at school they even tried to get us into trouble with the local lea and because relations at home were getting strained. Beth never managed to stay the course at college through physical and mental problems again they didnt want to know or set the boundaries so that it was impossible for her to comply

Really I am. There's nothing better than hearing about someone who's overcome something so powerful as a mental illness.
I'm 16, too. Just finished my GCSEs. I've never been diagnosed with depression, but show all the signs of it. I hate leaving the house, am disinterested in all activities and have almost no self confidence. Like Jess, I self harm frequently, and have thought about suicide a lot. I'm not certain about this, but I think I go to the same school as Jess did. If that's true, they haven't improved one bit on identifying signs of mental illness. In all honesty, the problem for me is telling people... I'm far too scared to tell parents/teachers etc. in case they think me an attention seeking teenager or don't take me seriously or whatever. I'm very glad Jess came to you and got help though, all the best for the future from me.

My daughter's life has also been crippled by a serious mental illness. We have a strong family and she manages to live independently with lots of support. Our ongoing difficultly has always been with the services available to support her. Currently no dedicated Mental Health Unit, never mind beds for young women. No community theraputic support, no art, craft, music or group support in our area. The clinicians involved in her care, and there are many, never talk to eachother. Her illness is as chronic and life threatening as any cancer, the care and support available would not compare with that available to anyone with a Cancer diagnosis.
The cost to the NHS and the Country for this is huge. A Psychiatrist once told me that he had spent his entire career firefighting and longed for the day that he would be able to prevent the crisis.
As a family we often say, well we can sort this out - but what would happen to a young person with no family or a family who were not able to fight for their loved one?
There have been times I have needed emergency care in order to keep my daughter alive and there has been nothing available - it would be like someone having a heart attack, calling 999 for an Ambulance and it not coming.

Jess's story is so similar to my own - I took just 5 GCSEs rather than the intended 11. I'm now 24 and holding down a job, am about to buy a house with my boyfriend and am happy. Please tell jess that although her few GCSEs feels like a hurdle now, in a few years it won't feel nearly as important, and most of all, that things will work out okay. The courage she has shown by surviving this makes her stronger than so many other people.

Ive lived in denial about what the whole experience was like for my own mum, and it's something that is never spoken about in my house - this was very hard for me to read. I know I owe her huge thanks, and just hope that I have grown into someone she is proud of.

Thank you Debbie for the frank article, I wish you and Jess all the best for her job search.

Amazing article! And heartbreaking at the same time. Praise to Jess for overcoming it all & returning to school. Inspiring! Xo

i loved your story of your daughter, it made me cry, it was heartwarming hearing how proud you were of her, me being much like jess would have loved this sort of reaction from my own mother, my whole family denies my illness even though its been professionally diagnosed and explained to them, they still refuse it. so to hear you acknowledge her and praise her for her accomplishments is lovely.

I suffered from depression during my final year of university and as I started my first job. My parents were living hundreds of miles from me. I tried so hard to protect them from my what I was going through. Reading Debbie's story was so moving. I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch your child be so broken.

For me, one of the greatest motivating factors for getting well again was seeing how much my family and friends were hurting. I knew the only thing that would take the worry away from my parents was me being well again. I love my parents so much, they have given me everything and expect nothing in return. I so much wanted to give them the gift of a well daughter. It was the only thing I had to offer in return and I fought so hard to give it to them. And in the end I did.

Jess sounds so brave. And has my absolute admiration.

I am moved by this blog ....your daughter Jess has shown remarkable strength and courage. It is my genuine opinion that people who suffer the darkess moments can offer the brightest rays of light to others. As an employer I would not shy away from employing someone who has faced mental health issues .... It is an illness like any other. I have employed a measurable amount of so called healthy individuals who have proven to take an unhealthy amount of sick leave! I wish your daughter every success. She already achieved so much, I have no doubt that with support and understanding, if and when she needs it, she can achieve so much more.

Jess is very lucky to have a parent who was strong for her, and stuck with her. I started self harming in school and no one noticed, I'm now 27 with severe and enduring mental health problems and live in supported accommodation. Jess' future is so much better with the support of her family. I too think schools should be far more aware of the signs of mental health problems, and do more to educate children.

This is interesting to read from the point of view of someone who got ill at a similar age, although I managed to struggle through my GCSEs and eventually dropped out near the start of my A Levels. I don't think there's anything the school could have done to keep me there because I was just too ill, but there are definitely things that could have been better. I was dropping subjects and going in less, and on one of the occasions I was there, my sociology teacher came over to me (that was one of the subjects I had had to drop even though I got an A* at GCSE in it). I thought she was coming over to ask how I was, but she just asked for my my textbook back!

I found it hard to talk to people about being ill when I was younger (I'm 25 now and only just recovering). Nowadays, I'm just completely honest, to the point where I probably disclose when it's not even really necessary! My thinking is that I want people to know that mental illness is not something that is written on your face, it is not something that is obvious, and people who seem 'normal' can be mentally ill. If I tell people that I'm bipolar, it immediately changes their perception of what a bipolar person is. It shows them that the mentally ill are just normal people who happen to have an illness.

Is there any way I can get in contact with this lady so I can talk to her daughter. I have been through exactly the same thing myself (daughter not mother) and would love to talk to somebody who has been in the same position as me since I am usually forced to hide it

A really well written blog, well done Debbie - and well done Jess on all you've achieved.
It is so sad that so little has changed. I had a very similar story in my teen’s – but with anorexia & in the years 1995-1999. So little has changed in those years!
I cannot understand though how schools can still be so ignorant! In 1995, I was one of 4/5 probably in my school year by the time we reached year 13. That was 17 years ago & the numbers keep growing! How can ignorance exist on something so common?!
I did the same or similar college course to Jess (again leaving the school to do college where few people knew me). I only took 7 GCSE's – yet no one has once asked why so few. I may be 31 now, but it’s never come up & 12/13 GCSE’s were common then too. Many people only put their top grades on CV's anyway, so only show that number. I displayed it as - GCSE's - 3 A, 4 B - as if I was showing off my top marks.
The experience you've been through Jess, will have made you stronger, even if you don't always feel like it. You have a gift of having suffered horribly & fought back. You can use it to help others, wherever you work - empathy & sympathy will break down the barriers and it starts with those small everyday conversations. I work in a bank (the healthcare industry just felt too close to home in the end!) but have my ear bent endlessly & I love it. People need to be listened to & loved for who they are, wherever they are.
x

I so feel for Jess and hope hat he is able to move on with life. Getting 8 gcse's whilst dealing with stigma and a lack of understanding is quite an achievement, and she has gone on to prove that she is very capable.

I had a breakdown in 2000 aged 32 and faced the same stigma and lack of understanding when I returned to work and my employer was the social work department of my local council, the very people who are there to care for people. A year later the treatment from my employers lead to me being even more ill and suicidal and having to give up work and I haven't worked since as I've continued to battle depression and anxiety. Good luck to Jess, she's lucky to have a fab mum.

Thank you for sharing this. I have had depression/mental health problems for many years. They probably started when I was a teenager, though not as serious as Jess's, until after i had children and got severe post-natal depression. I empathise with you and her about putting on an application form for a job about suffering from mental illness. It almost dismisses you from the start, but surely if you have suffered it must make you more understanding of people, especially wanting to go into a job in health and social care.
However much we try and reduce the stigma, it is still very difficult to get people to understand, as they are frightened of people with mental health problems, as portrayed in the media

What a strong young woman Jess is and likewise, what a supporting mum Debbie is. Sadly, it may affect Jess' chances of work in the future (I'm having that very problem at the moment having lost a job because they found out I had a mental illness) but when she gets a job that is meant to be not only will they not use it against her but they'll help her and support her and encourage her in her work. Any employer who uses it against you is not someone you want to work for. Good luck Jess and congratulations on your success with your diploma and remember to point out to potential employers that although you have battled a mental illness, you have worked at it and you have overcome it to gain brilliant results in your GCSEs and your diploma, it has made you a stronger person and given you life experience, be proud of yourself and everything you have achieved. You're a star.