The most hate I’ve ever received has been from myself
I’m a panicker. My anxiety extends from the general extreme worrying marathon (‘what if?’ is my morbid mantra) to hyperventilating on the floor and begging my boyfriend not to leave me – even to go to the bathroom. I’ve taken happy pills with tranquilizer chasers, I’ve swallowed basinfuls of Kalms, I’ve spritzed a thousand Rescue Remedy bottles, drunk a million decaf tranquillity teas and drenched most of my possessions in lavender oil. I have panic disorder and sometimes it’s the closest thing to hell that I can imagine.
I also speak passionately about reducing mental health stigma to anyone who will listen. All who know me, know me as a proud, confident, attractive, successful young woman. I read Time to Change religiously, I applaud public figures who ‘come out’ of the mental health closet, I write a blog about my experiences and I even start public debates around the issues. But at the centre of this whirlwind of positive activity, is a dark, shameful heart – one that I am actually hugely embarrassed to admit.
A lot of the time I hate myself with a passion for having a mental health condition
Here goes. A lot of the time I hate myself with a passion for having a mental health condition and I beat myself up relentlessly for doing so. In fact, the worst stigma, judgement and ‘crazy’ labels I have ever received have been at my own hand.
Don’t get me wrong – huge stigma and ignorance does exist out there, in the world, and we have a massive job on our hands to try to break those taboos wholesale. And those misunderstandings and prejudices actually form a big part of the cultural context to my own preconceptions and lack of compassion. But the real battleground, for me, exists in first removing the condition-related insults that I level at myself so that I can honestly and genuinely be an ambassador for the kind of social change we so desperately need.
I grow better at this everyday... by giving myself a break for the things I cannot control
I grow better at this everyday: by observing myself and seeing what an incredible and successful person I am, despite my struggles; by refusing to hate myself for having a mental illness every time I sympathise with someone for having a ‘physical’ illness, like diabetes, or cancer; by gradually learning techniques of self-compassion and by giving myself a break for the things I cannot control.
But mostly, if I’m honest, I grow better by reading blogs and articles like these, which are a window on the lives of so many beautiful, talented, inspired and inspiring people who are so much more than ‘PTSD’ or ‘OCD’ or ‘depressed’. They are (YOU are!) people who forge incredible and noble lives against a background of genuine horror, unhappiness and struggle and as such, are my real-life heroes. And who knows – maybe one day, in the not-too-distant future, I’ll even start to see myself as one of them – and I hope you do, too!*
*See yourself as one of the heroes, that is, not me as one of them. Sigh, you see – my anxiety couldn’t even let me finish this article without poking its ugly head in!!
What do you think about the issues raised in this blog? Share your views with us on Twitter >>
Or pledge to share your experience of mental health today and find out how talking tackles discrimination.
Read Viv's blog: http://ohvivresavie.blogspot.co.uk/
Subscribe
Blog Categories
We are led by:
Comments
Benefits of talking therapy
Hi all,
I can relate to many of the issues listed about anxiety, low self-esteem and self-hatred. I too have tried many techniques to manage my anxieties, including Calms, St. John's Wart, Citalopram, self-help books, talking to friends & loved one's & even one attempt at suicide.
Having tried counselling several, I not only realise that my difficulties stem from my broken childhood, but that my thought processes and conditioning were all warped due to my past experiences (not that this is about blame). I now find that I am now making the most progress I have ever made through psychotherapist, most notably Psychodynamic Therapy, which explores in short 'self-awareness and understanding of how the past has influenced present thoughts and behaviours'.
It wasn't until I started this latter therapy, did I really start to explore and understand these relationships, but also how I was creating many of these difficulties within my own mind-set (easy to say, once explored). As I continue to do so, I find my anxieties and self-hatred lessens and my quality of life (along with and my relationships) continue improve slowly with the bonus of wisdom.
I appreciate that anyone that is considering therapy pride is at stake, I can assure you the gain is much greater than a little pride. All therapists listed in the UK are registered on the following website, so be bold, seek and ye shall find!:o)www.counselling-directory.org.uk
I wish you my kind of success.
Glenn.
Mental Health
After reading the above blogs, I realise I am not alone in the way i feel,although I do constantly feel that i am.
I made a comment on this site a while ago, and then got a bit confused about all the replies that came in and showed up in my e-mails, but i expect that was just how i was alerted to them.
I feel a falure at the moment, as i haven't had a job for three years, and feel at 55, the opportunities to work are becoming less and less. I know that 55 is not that old, but with a history of mental health problems it creates added pressure.I am fortunate as my husband has a good job,but when we are short of money, i feel as if i should be working. I feel as if i am the only one in my family who suffers like this as they all have good jobs. I have a grand-daughter who I thought would be looking after more,but both her parents work and they have decided to send her to nursery, and now childminder before and after school, as she is just starting. I know they are worried about whether i might be 'ill' but it does hurt me that i cannot look after her more. I feel as if i am moaning,and shouldn't be as compared with many others people it is not so bad. I also get very frustrated if i find it difficult to do simple things (some things on the computer) and last week i got really angry with myself and burst into tears, simply because i couldn't upload a photo!
Mental health
I have had depression since 2006, I have every self help book, DVD, training everything and still I have low self esteem and confidence. It doesn't take much for senior managers, especially men to bully me. I go to work each day with dread worrying about what I will have to deal with. I am a middle manager and often thought about taking a demotion so that I don't have any staff to manage, then I have a lucid moment when I think, why? I earned that promotion and I deserve it. But saying and believing it are 2 different things. I have had counselling, NLP, hyponosis, therapy, anything I could do to overcome my fears. People see me and think what a confident strong person, but inside Iam marshmallow. I imagine a situation happening and practice over and over in my mind how I will deal with it. I am on sleeping pills now, in addition to anti depressants, diabetic pills and inhalers for my asthma.
I read these blogs and I see that I am not alone. I take one step at a time because that sall I can do to carry on each day. Some day I will get better. Never give up
Anxiety
I love this blog. It will be shared with all those I know. I was (until 18mths ago - and will be again) a professional, attractive, successful, driven, confident blah blah young woman, until I snapped. Always prone to depression and anxiety, finally being driven to PTSD and all the anxiety therein by various events, I've been trying so hard to make the cognitive behaviour therapy work. And well, it's a struggle. I hated myself for being 'a failure', because of not being able to cope with appalling treatment (I do have PTSD after all....). I've been called the 'crazy b*&£h' by lots of people who used to be friends, I've been assaulted and barred from my local, my family have been so appalling that I've had to close all communication down to try to get better; oh yeah, I know about discrimination. But it's the wounds the anxious inflict on themselves to try to make sense of the external badness that is so destructive. Knowing that you aren't necessarily the root of all evil is really hard for an anxious person to do, and people telling you to have a 'positive attitude' isn't necessarily helpful. Having a different perspective is what's needed, one that is more in tune with reality! And that perspective is needed to reduce the terror, the anger, the frustration, and the loneliness. Oh yeah, I know about the fear as well.
So, my anxious friends, give yourself a break. But I'm still finding a way to do it, so I know, easier said than done.
Viv - you have written a
Viv - you have written a truly amazing article. I can completely relate. Thank you.
Anxiety Blog
I think this article is great ~ it expresses some of my own feelings and experiences. I suffer with anxiety and cronic pain and it is really tough going most of the time and I am too scared to tell most people, apart from a few dear friends and professional therapists. It's the stigma and judgements I fear. Yet I feel like I'm living a double life generally. However I generally do really well in coping but I also beat myself up and expect far more from myself. I too am realising I need to start liking/loving myself and develop self compassion and acceptance big time or I'm going to be stuck in a cycle of suffering forever. Easier said than done. I am interested to hear about the things you do to help you be compassionate with yourself.
Post new comment