Talking about mental health makes it normal
I often hear of people who have mental health problems noticing the signs of depression, then going to a doctor and receiving a diagnosis. But what if it’s the other way round? I spent several of my teenage years living with depression, and believe it or not, I didn’t realise it.
I had just turned 16 and started sixth form when I stopped sleeping. All my bad feelings I attributed to insomnia. I was forced by my mother to go to the doctor, from where I returned time and time again with the strongest sleeping medications I could be prescribed.
After exhausting every option, my mother visited my GP without my knowledge and before I knew it, I was hauled back into the surgery. By this point I was so depressed that I was resistant to anything that would make me address my feelings. I was diagnosed with depression.
It seemed like everything was happening around me and I didn’t believe there was anything ‘wrong’. I have the most attentive, wonderful, loving parents who would do anything within their means for me, and yet my depression grew to a stage where it was unmanageable even before it was diagnosed.
Throughout my illness, I lived in denial. I talked my teachers into appointing me deputy head girl a month before I was forced to drop out of school. I self harmed because despite seeing a psychologist, denial meant that I did not delve deeper than ‘what’s annoying me this week’, and thus didn’t deal with my darkest thoughts.
I would sit on the floor like a child in a clichéd thriller movie filling pages of paper with black scribbles because I needed to express the contents of my mind in some way. I self harmed - not to kill myself - but because I was able to cut through everything going on in my mind and have a moment’s respite when I didn’t have to feel anything but a physical sting.
It was as if my depression was a completely separate entity to the rest of me, and it took over. I’ve blocked out most of 2007 but an incident I will never forget was the catalyst in understanding I had a problem. One morning, left alone in the house, as if on autopilot, I found myself trying to take my own life.
To this day, I remember it not as something I did, but as something my illness did. I was terrified, because whilst I fantasised about ceasing to exist in much the same way as I now fantasise about winning the lottery (it’ll solve all my problems!), the tiny shred of rationality in me knew I had to carry on and I was able to text my mother and lock myself in my bathroom until I was safe. That was the moment that I finally believed what everyone had been saying, and I realised the importance of getting better.
Talking about mental health is so important because it makes it normal.
Talking about mental health is so important because it makes it normal. Because it is normal. In a twisted way, I feel lucky that I’ve experienced it because it means I notice the signs in others, and it gives me a way to talk to them.
It is so important that everyone knows about mental health issues whether or not they have experienced them. Because if you live in denial, the people around you need to notice and be unafraid of talking to you. It’s what saved me.
Even now that I have made a full recovery, mainly thanks to a wonderful counsellor I went to see after I dropped out of my first university (the university doctor, by the way, laughed at me when I sobbed that I was having another breakdown after working up the courage to leave my room for the first time in 3 days), as well as the support of those around me, I make sure people aren’t afraid to talk about it. Because sometimes, I don’t notice when I’m going downhill again. I often misinterpret the signs and I need people to talk about it in order to stay healthy. And I make sure I repay the favour.
I refuse to pretend it doesn’t exist because I cannot allow anyone to get the stage where I was because they don’t know what’s happening to them. If talking about my experiences can help just one person notice the warning signs in themselves, my experiences have not been in vain.
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If mental illness was talked
If mental illness was talked about more and put into education from a younger age, people would know how to support a friend if they become ill and having my friends there would have made a huge help.
It took me 2 years to admit to myself, my doctor, my friends and even my parents that I had a mental illness. Mainly because I felt that as I managed to get myself out of bed everyday, then I couldn't possibly have depression. Truth was that I didn't want to look weak or feel like I was letting people down. Like so many people I was scared of the reaction I'd get if I told people how I really felt.
18 months later, having lost all my friends in 6th form because they couldn't support me and a year of anti-depressants and counselling, I've recovered!
I'm now happy to talk openly about it and already it has come up in conversation at uni in lectures. The response I got from talking about it was amazing. The more we can talk about it, the less awkward people feel and the more they understand and the more they will be able to support friends and family who are going through it.
This is so true
Really great blog, you've articulated what so many people go through in not knowing that they have a mental illness, and it made me realise I was in this position too for a number of years. I hope you're in a better place now. x
Talking about mental health makes it normal
Yes.... Amy i totally agree with everything you say in your blog, it's so great to hear of somebody elses experiences, and being able to relate so much to my own experiences.
I have suffered with my mental health for a few years now, and i also remember that significate day i accepted that i could be ill, and that smallest part of me that was still 'here' knew the importance of getting thru this, if not for me but as a mother to my 2 beautiful children, i'd been in denial for such time that my depression grew into Phycosis, in which i heard things that was'nt real, smelt things that others couldnt,but it was all real to me, the more information i found out about my illness First episode Phycosis, the more i understood it, and the more i understood it the better i started to feel dont get me wrong it has'nt been plain sailing it has took time and different sorts of medications to keep me stable, and 5 years on im still on anti-depressants and a small dose of anti-phycotic medication, but at least im stable now and i have such good insight that it doesnt distress me anymore, People definatly need to speak out coz it really does help
Hi Amy,I came across your
Hi Amy,
I came across your blog today purely by chance but (as cheesy at it sounds) it must have been a sign from God.
I have always been a very optimistic individual, I like positivity and always try to have a postive outlook for myself and others. I can honestly say that apart from all the usual dramas of growing up, disagreements with parents and minor annoyances with the government, I have lived a very happy life and under all the general little petty disappointments with life (as I know there will be because there's no such thing as perfection), I have been very lucky with my lot.
However, over the last three weeks, life has taken on a drastic change, but not the bad sort of change that some people unfortunately experience such as the death of a loved one, getting evicted from your home etc. The change that came upon my life was not forced upon me but something that I have wanted and chose to do.
It was an exciting decision but also a very scary one as I know that going down this path, I would have to change the way I have been spending my time drastically, and it won't be small changes here and there for me to get used to but a comeplete overhaul in the way I have been living life.
However, now that the time has come to action this change, I have found it incredibly difficult. I knew that my new choice in life would mean that I would need to make incredible sacrifices which involves totally letting go of doing all the things that I totally enjoy doing and embrace completely new things and tasks that are WAY out of my usual area of expertise and comfort zone... I was mentally prepared but not emotionally and physically prepared. The whole change completely overwhemed me... and put me into a depressive state... and I had NO idea that it was depression until I couldn't take the feelings of hopelessness any more and decided to Google symptons of depression.
Although I went out to find out about depression, I scoffed to myself that it couldn't be, that I was just having a very hard time adapting to my new life. What I've discovered shocked me. The signs that were listed were exactly what I have been experiencing for the last three weeks! It was both scary but also quite enlightening that the state I was in could be down to depression.
I have always been strong for other people and believed that I was untouchable because I had an extremely positive attitude. But after the change in my life, I realised that I'm not as strong as I had myself believe and I hated myself for feeling down all the time, and due to my stubborn nature, shunned all the advice my loved ones tried to give me and refused any form of help from my friends, believing that things will get better if I stick it out by myself.
Reading your blog about what you went through has shown how far depression can take you if you don't address it. I'm glad that you have managed to overcome it and show that talking it out with someone who cares is very important to get on the road to recovery.
My depressive state probably has only been for a short amount of time compared to some people who have been depressed for years and need medication but I am determined to not fall any deeper into this horrible emotion. I just need to figure out how to overcome my situation by not being afraid to talk about it.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank You for sharing. I too
Thank You for sharing. I too didn't recognise the symptoms of depression, but a friend had done, so when I realised I needed help, guess who I talked to first! Over the last 4 years I've got better at spotting the warning signs and taking early action, but often it has been my friends who've pointed out to me when I don't seem my normal self.
Keep it up
Thanks for sharing your story Amy, I can sympathise with your story a lot. My first year at university was rough too, but it got much better after building the courage to leave my room and talk to the doctor.
Good luck
I can relate to this
I can relate to this experience as I had a similar time during my teenage years. How could I possibly be depressed when my parents were loving, I hadn't ever had a tragic event such as abuse to rationalise the depression and so I would feel so guilty for having negative thoughts - and so the cycle began. Looking back I have experienced depression in one form or another for around 10 years, but was only diagnosed this year after I reached exhaustion stage and could not function. I distinctly rememeber that I didn't even have the energy to climb up the stairs or string a sentence together. Now that it has been "diagnosed" am I am talking more openly I do find it helps - even though occasionally I am met with criticism, but I try not to let it bother me because I know people need to be educated about depression, hence why 'Time to change" is something I really support.
I can relate to this, and I'm
I can relate to this, and I'm sorry things had to get so bad for you before they got better, but that's great you are now recovered. I also had depression for many years before taking my mental health seriously. I totally agree that the relief is huge when you realise it's not you, but the illness, making you behave a certain way. I'm not sure 'normal' is a word I would use to describe mental illness, as it seems to trivialise it, but the gist of what you are saying is spot on. If mental health were viewed as common and acceptable to pay attention to as physical health, then a lot of people's lives would be made hugely better.
Superb Description.
Though its not relative to my own depression, this has really gave me an extra avenue of insight into where the illness is in someway controling the person. I aplaud you!
I continually on a daily basis refer to Mental Health and Depression. The moment the word is uttered my ears prick up. What you've captured in this wonderful blog is that sometimes its all around you, like a miasma, which though you feel no involvement in you struggle to get away from. The moment you realise or accept is the greatest of moments.
I couldn't agree more that to talk about it makes it normal, recent figures are really disturbing when compared against other illness' but its natural the more its spoken, the more its accepted, the more its accepted then the more its understood, and then more people can come forward and deal with it.
I wish you the greatest of luck at Uni in whatever chosen path you choose. You, like me I guess, feel stronger for the experiences felt to use for our own strength, and for the strength of others.
Best Wishes.
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