Admitting depression is an illness and not something that's my fault in some way or another is a hard thing to admit to yourself. After all who really wants to admit they're ill with something that's all in your head. Cancer is a different matter, people can see it – people are sympathetic. People don't understand depression, they just think it's just something you need to get over and cheer up. Life can't be that bad surely!
I mean, depression means you're weak and crazy – this doesn't happen to normal people right? Even saying the word out aloud or writing it down on a piece of paper, the same way you write any other word doesn't make it seem any more real. But it is! I'm ill with depression, I didn't ask for it to happen to me but it has. Truth is, I think I've been suffering with it far longer than I've been officially diagnosed. I still remember the day I sat in front of the doctor with my sister, admitting I couldn't cope and asking for help.
Most days it's torment in my head even if I’m smiling and laughing – it's there trying to creep in. It's hard trying to explain what it feels like to other people, a dark cloud descends and it's like fighting a war with yourself. People say try to look at the positives in your life, they don't understand you really are trying your best and it's on those days you're fighting your hardest. Some days it's got so bad, you just want the pain to end.
Depression has to some degree taken more from me than I've taken from it. It's changed me into a person I don't like and at times have loathed. I feel I've ruined friendships and have said some things I can't undo. I feel guilty for bothering people with my problems, being a burden is on no-one’s wish list. To those people I'm deeply sorry, please forgive me and please don't hate, without you there as a friend I won't have anything to keep fighting for. Above all, please be patient – I will find a way to pay you back for your kindness and support. It's no easy task supporting someone with depression but at times like this you find out who your true friends are; I hope to be able to know these people for the rest of my life.
I'm scared I'll always feel this way and people will eventually see me, the same way I see myself at the moment. I still have some way to go to accepting my illness and moving forward to a better place but it's something I need to do otherwise the cycle will just continue and things will get worse. I'm starting counselling again soon and will small steps I'm giving myself a fighting chance. I don't want to feel this way forever and with that I hold on to that little glimmer of hope.