April 1, 2015

Living with depression is like being in a pool of water, watching everybody else around you effortlessly swimming while you're desperately trying to paddle your way out of the deep end.Nicola's Blog No matter how hard you paddle, you never seem to get further than you started and nobody seems to see you trying.

The very worst thing about depression is how isolating it can be

The very worst thing about depression is how isolating it can be. Despite the fact that so many people suffer, they mostly tend to suffer in silence. The second to worst thing about depression, is that even if you DID actually feel like being able to get up and do something, 'seize the day', bake a cake, take a shower etc., you generally manage to talk yourself out of it or tell yourself there's no point, it'd turn out rubbish anyway.

When you're in the depths of depression sometimes you can't even recognise yourself. Food doesn't taste the same, sleep doesn't make you any less tired, conversations seem even more hard work than usual, the sight of your face in the mirror as you plaster the same forced smile on your face you've been wearing for the last few days disgusts you. Everything is enveloped in a dismal, dark cloud, and all you can do is wait for the fog to lift and for the days to become clearer once again.

I find talking about depression vital in order to understand what is happening to me

Nobody likes to talk about depression, really. Those who suffer generally don't like to remind themselves of that dark place once they're out of it (and even if they weren't it is really, really hard to focus on something productive), and those who don't suffer perhaps are afraid of what they'll unveil if they spend too long on the subject.

For me, as somebody who has generally avoided discussing 'it' for over ten years, I now find it vital in order to understand and accept what is happening to me.

I envy the people who carry this burden with them and still manage to go about their daily lives. As much as I wish this were the case for me, I've learned that it just can't work. Deep down I think even the strongest of people would too crumble eventually.

Depression is not something you can just shake off

The purpose of this post is not to bring everybody down or babble on about myself, but to educate those that truly don't know what's it like to have depression; to let you know that it's not something you can just shake off, and to remind other sufferers that you're not alone in this battle. Even if we can't all see each other through the fog, we're here.

I know I have a long and difficult journey ahead of me, but like any other illness I could let it consume me, or I can fight it with what little energy I have left. The fact I’ve finally written and published this shows I’m here and I’m fighting. Now, who’s with me?

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