July 30, 2015

Please note that this blog discusses suicidal feelings.

Many people cringe at the phrases, ‘emotionally unstable personality disorder’ and, ‘borderline personality disorder’. They don’t sound particularly inviting. People hide away from it or stigmatise it because they don’t understand what it is like to experience it. My name is Leanne and I have borderline personality disorder and to say my journey has been a rollercoaster is an understatement.

I have had four long years of highs and lows

I have had four long years of highs and lows, self-hatred, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, hallucinations and episodes that I barely remember. I have also felt emptiness for months at a time and never been able to fully trust all except a couple of people: but I have gotten through it.

It all started with panic attacks from a young age. My peers called me an ‘attention seeker’, and the staff were never able to help much, not even fully understanding what I was going through. Whether they judged me or not, I’m not sure. To be honest, I don’t think I ever fully understood myself until last year when a doctor suggested I had emerging personality disorder traits. At times I felt like a freak, because that was what people made me out to be; I understand better now.

The stigma only got worse when I reached college

The stigma only got worse when I reached college and people used more degrading language when referring to me. Soon enough I was low and attempted suicide. When my family came to visit me in hospital, I tried to make jokes, but inside I was ready to burst in to tears, feeling so much shame for what I did. Only now did I realise it was a way of me trying to cope. It isn’t the positive way and it didn’t help, when I reached home I realised that I needed to fight to be with my family.

I would be lying to you if I say I haven’t thought about it, or done anything to harm myself. But I have an amazing support network, especially one person who also experiences mental illness. I owe that friend my life: she has been amazing and a constant in my life, never giving up on me. I will never forget the moment our bond was ultimately sealed after admitting our issues to one another. I can never repay her for all she has done because she could just as easily walk away from me. Of course, there is my family who have been here through it all with me, each in their own way, helping in any way they can. Things with the mental health team have been a little rocky in transitioning me but now I am on the road to recovery, with a positive end goal.

If I can have a future, you can too

For those of you reading this, especially if you do have a mental illness, remember to always have hope and keep fighting on. If I, of all people, can be strong enough to overcome the daily struggles, then you can too, I believe in you to be strong and to stay on the positive path.

My name is Leanne and I have borderline personality disorder. Four years ago I couldn’t see my future: it was a foreign concept to me, I hated myself and was so full of anxiety. But now I have accepted I am who I am and the way to university after everything I have been through. If I can have a future, you can too.

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Comments

Living with BPD

When you have BPD you don't worry about others hating you; you can hate yourself enough for everyone, until you learn to be able to say what Leanne has said, hi I'm Heather and I have BPD. Before my diagnosis I used to think I'm on a rollercoaster, so when I got it I was able to accept it as these thoughts had come from my own head not my psychiatrist's. It's never easy even on medication, but to everyone reading, it does get better if you surround yourself with the right support network. 'Normal' people will never understand, but they don't need to, if you have friends who can accept, you are half way there. I would suggest to get rid of the rest...love and peace to all BPD sufferers.

Diagnosed

I was recently diagnosed with BPD since adolescent years I have known there to be something different in me unstable constantly bored despised myself inside and out... Relationship s I sabotage with aggressive outbursts then wondering why I was left and back again to the churning empty feeling of deep loss. So many things o have chose to do with no mind of consequence s... Pushing away anyone close never making lasting friendships lost alone and angry was a life time for me now at 46 I am told that I suffer with this order ... I don't know how I have managed to be so self destruct for so long will I now get help

bpd

I blieve that i have BPD and have done many tests saying that i have sever BPD. But I cant find anyone who can tell me for sure. I need medical help but i dont know how to ask. I would like to know if you are willing who was it that told you so that imight get help.

WELL DONE LEANNE

I am a BPD sufferer too. When i was diagnosed it was like a weight lifted. I wasn't NUTS! I had a problem. Hard work and plenty of tears have got me to a point where i now give talks at work on mental health awareness and i stand up and say " I have BPD and clinical depression." Some people are scared of the BPD title but people who stand up and show them we are capable are slowly changing those perspectives. I say WELL DONE to Leanne & Heather. You are brave and brilliant. Never forget that each day is a gift and that's why it's called the present.

BPD

I too have BPD, I'm currently going through counselling and I'm TRYING to learn to LIKE MYSELF It's far from easy, but I'm trying Thank you to everybody who comments, it's good to know I'm not alone (even though I still think I am)

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are here. Stay strong and take one day at a time. You are allowed to feel low and small sometimes. It's called being human.

BPD

I was diagnosed with BPD last year after having been incorrectly diagnosed with Bipolar about seven years ago. I haven't had the proper support and the CMHT has sadly been more of a hindrance. I'm in the midst of a nervous breakdown and have been bounced all over the system in recent weeks. I have yet another useless appointment on Monday and tonight I feel like dying. I've ended up cutting myself for the first time in about a year and a half, and I'm not entirely certain I can wait until Monday for help. I'm terrified if I tell them I feel like I want to die, they'll lock me away. I can't tell my Mum because she isn't coping well with this and she's my only support. I don't know what to do or where to turn and my brain is screaming at me. I'm trapped and I can't get out. Please somebody tell me what to do. I don't want my life any more if this is how I am to live it but if I exit now, it'll kill my mother. I'm completely trapped and there's no way out for me.

Support

Hi Indie, I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling. Please don't feel like you are alone - there are people out there that can help you. Samaritans are now free to call on 116 123. As an anti-stigma campaign we aren't able to offer advice on support directly, but you may find these links useful: http://bit.ly/1Lh54ZT Best, Crystal at Time to Change

Borderline Personality Disorder

I don't have Borderline Personality Disorder, but I know someone who has it. I know what she goes through because she lived with me, and still does. I know that sometimes she's Candice and other times she's Patricia. Candice is the cool and popular girl. She loves school and enjoys working with animals, while Patricia is a party girl, smokes weed and drinks a lot of alcohol. Patricia is into guys and has been intimate with a few. The two girls have not came into contact with each other yet. They don't know they live in the same body. I absolutely love Candice, but i am afraid of Patricia. She is way over the top, very disrespectful and rude. How can i deal with her before turning to my last resort ? Sending her to a mental institution. I wanna know how I can find a cure, so that I can be with my real daughter, Mindie Wilson.

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Hi! I believe what you're referring to is actually Dissociative Identity Disorder, rather then BPD. People with DID (dissociative Identity Disorder) are those who have a disturbance in their​ flow of consciousness, thereby having 2 or more "people" in the same body. I believe you'll be able to find the help you need if you look for DID rather then BPD, although one of the personalites of this girl may well have BPD. Hope this helped. Have a nice day :)

Indie, BPD

Hi Indie, not sure how long ago you posted your message BUT I hope that you are feeling a bit better than you were. Please take lots of care of yourself and message me if you would like to, Hugs Mandy

BPD extreme

I have destroyed countless lives, emotionally. People have had to move, quit jobs. I have been in trouble with the police more times than I can count. Been in jail, been deported from other countries. Never really understood how or why I do the crazy stuff I do, the crazy lies I tell just to keep someone in my life. The crazy actions I have taken. Am I can't stop, no matter what I cant stop till I loose it all. It's only recently that I found out it was BPD. This is were the depression sinks in. You realize how crazy it all was. How you now can deal and work. It doesn't get anyone back though. I feel more normal just knowing what is wrong. Its enough to help cope most of the time. Its a long road ahead

I am more than sure I suffer

I am more than sure I suffer from BPD but my psyc won't listen to me and I can't handle my emotions anymore. Any words of advice?

Support

Hi Audrey, as an anti-stigma campaign we aren't able to offer advice on support directly, but you may find these links useful: http://bit.ly/1Lh54ZT Best, Crystal at Time to Change

Message to Michael

Michael, you are not alone :) ; you clearly have quite severe BPD from what you have said, I hope you are in touch with your local mental health services and getting help; they CAN help and it is possible to be in remission; I was for many years and led a peaceful life. Please do not give up hope, use all the services available to you..if you can find a local support group too it may help...

thanks for sharing your story

every single day of my life i feel so lonely feel empty i have low self-esteem get jealous have trust issues. i never told anyone because sometimes its better to keep silent than to tell others what i feel because it hurts badly wen i come to know that they can hear me but cannot understand. i never told anyone. not even my family. but not because i don't trust my family but because i just cant find the right words to makes them understand. Growing up with low self esteem issues is really hard for me. i feel so small everytime. I always thought that I'm loser. its really hard for me to make new friends because i feel like i'm not good enough. i have no courage to dream on because i never believe in me. Im so coward to believe in myself. i feel so stupid I feel like im the number one loser on earth. I didnt know myself. I dont know what can make me happy. im so lost. there have been times that i hate myself so much and that cause my sometimes dramatic and sometimes violent moodswings

Support

Hi there, please don't feel like you are alone - there are people out there that can help you. Samaritans are now free to call on 116 123. As an anti-stigma campaign we aren't able to offer advice on support directly, but you may find these links useful: http://bit.ly/1Lh54ZT Best, Crystal at Time to Change

reply to anonymous every single day of my life

Don't hate yourself it's not your fault you are the way you are. Your not rubbish you just feel like it.You are a shining beautiful Star unique and imperfect. I feel so similar to you we are like peas in a pod. So you aren't alone and you do fit in with me at least, and I with you.just give yourself the right to be you without prejudice.

Bpd

Hi everyone. I was told i had bpd by a psyciatrist last week. I find it so hard to work, as the people at work have taken a dislike to me when i started 12 months ago. Theres a group of 5 older women who make me feel not wanted in the workplace on a daily basis. I have been intimidated by there words. This makes me anxious, hating myself and depressed. I hate myself anyway and think im ugly,thick and fat. I get so exhausted on a daily basis as my mood changes every couple of hours. I get paranoid and jealous and want it to end. I cant afford private therapy and nhs is too long of a wait. Please does anyone have any self help tips that dont cost.

I too have BPD.

I have now sat for 20mins wondering what to say. I always have that deep down feeling of being judged no matter who I speak to. I don't feel my family fully understand my bpd. They constantly say to me to speak to them about it but always seem to have a way of limiting the amount of time they listen. I constantly have major anxiety which then transcends into self harm. Lost count of how many times I have been in overnight at hospital due to attempted suicide with overdosing. Been in psychiatric unit once which did really help. Although psychiatrist does say that it can't always be used as it will become dependable. I am always feeling empty and I don't know if anyone else feels this but I quite a lot of the time feel emotionless. It's as though I have absolutely no emotions at all. No happiness no sadness and nothing in between?? It does confuse me and feels so strange. When I become reli unwell I get the voices and believe some reli crazy things which can be petrifying. I have gotten myself into quite bad situations like going missing and just walking out of my home. I get these impulses that I just can't control. It's like getting a small idea in my head and it just escalates. I don't know anyone personally with BPD so have never spoken to anyone with that personal experience. It would be great to hear back from anyone as any bit of help/advice is more than welcome. Thank you for reading.

BPD

I also have BPD, I was diagnosed a year and a half ago, but I may of had this for years as I have been the way I am since I was little and I'm 29 now. I felt relieved when I was diagnosed as I finally knew what was wrong with me and that I wasn't mental. But I was also terrified of what other would think. As everyone has said, no one understands BPD unless they've been there themselves, the only other person in my life who fully understands me is my Mam as she has Bipolar, she is my rock and is the only person to constantly be there for me. My wife gives me all the support she can, but I do know she struggles with my BPD and I understand it's not easy living with someone with BPD. I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts over the years but acted on it last year, I truly felt lost and that I had nothing, even though I had and still have a lot, I don't know why I felt like that, it felt as though I was having a break down and I couldn't see a way out, so I took the overdose. I was extremely lucky though as the doctors at the hospital said to me that I shouldn't be here with the amount I took. That scared the hell out of me and I swear I will never EVER do that again. I'm currently awaiting counseling and have a lot of support from my wife and Mam. It's nice knowing I am not the only one out there like this.

BPD

I too have had the joyfully diagnosis of BPD, it took a long time to get & although it was good to have a name to put to my behaviour/feelings I found the misunderstanding of people, often practitioners, frustrating. I have however fallen in to the trap of drug addiction (another less discussed symptom of BPD). I resent this as I was involved with mental health services from age 12, yet received very little help or understanding. Now age 33 & with a 7 year old BPD diagnosis I have no support whatsoever, my life is a mess & I am at a loss at what to do. The mental health services available where I live do not see BPD as in any way serious. It is unbelievably frustrating. I am at least pleased to read that some of you are getting help. I really think more awareness needs to be made about this sometimes debilitating disorder. X

Addiction and bpd

It is 3.54am and I am researching bpd because so much of what I am reading about it sounds just like me! Loads of omg moments!!(I was totally ignorant of what it meant before tonight!)-I just started researching why I get so angry when I know I'm not bad and I don't think I'm mad-I think i have found the reason I was looking for (obviously not just going off the anger but other symptoms too). Like you I have suffered addiction issues (substance abuse since my teenage years am now 44) but have had nothing for 20 months now (longest time since 14). I've always known I used as a coping mechanism and to deal with strong emotions but over time it just got like the chicken and the egg (I've been diagnosed with depression since 19 and anxiety came along later). Anyway, what I really wanted to say is that I think I have been unconsciously treating my emotional state while treating addiction issues -I have joined support groups, talking about thoughts and feelings, discovered mindfulness and tried to have balance in my life and not take on too much etc -I have never been happier, my self-esteem rocketed and my emotional state vastly improved. However, I still have very strong emotions, have fallen out with family over things I said in a rage and realise I can never take on what other people do (acceptance is another thing I've really practiced). I seriously think bpd may have been missed all these years as my addiction issues took prominence (before it all I remember seeing a psychologist at school so I'm guessing there were issues before my addictive behaviour kicked in). I think I may have discovered the final piece of the jigsaw tonight! The reason! Anyway, what I was trying to say was that I think a lot of treatment may work for both, having a dual diagnosis can be difficult as d&a services pass you to mental health services and then they pass you back -I've heard off this and it's abhorrent. But if the services are really being unhelpful try and see what groups you can access (just realising the way you think and behave is not unique to you I found a huge relief) and just connecting with non-judgmental people did loads for my self-esteem and brought me out of my isolated existence. Also, I can't recommend mindfulness enough. I know we are all different and what worked for me may not work for you but I basically just wanted to say, seek whatever help you can, as many tools/strategies for dealing with difficult emotions/ urges the better -and good luck xxx

Hi Marie, you really are

Hi Marie, you really are doing your homework at the moment, I was diagnosed with BPD after seeing a psychiatrist and filling in a questionnaire, there were so many parts of it that were ME. I began to think that maybe I was imagining some of what was going on, or had been a way of life for me. Currently I am seeing a wonderful counsellor and she is helping me so much, making me question so much but letting me answer those questions, after lots of tears and emotion. I do hope that you manage to get diagnosis, it really helped me knowing that I'm not really MAD, which I was beginning to think I was. Take care Mandy

BPD

I was only recently diagnosed after years of suffering a range of debilitating symptoms. At first it was a relief to finally get some vindication that I was right all along; my brain isn't wired up quite the same as other people's. It was good to have proof that I'm not alone and I spent a lot of time researching. Now I think it's really setting in that this isn't something that can go away with a quick fix, no tablet or op will make me 'normal'. That is something I have become obsessed with, the idea of being 'normal' in my darkest moments I hate myself because I'm not. I wish and pray and beg that I could be. In my more lucid moments I know that there is no such thing but I guess the reality is setting in that this is something that I will have to live with, one way or another, for the rest of my life. There is definitely a stigma surrounding mental health, along with my bpd I also have severe depression, generalised anxiety disorder and OCD. These can be crippling and there are a large number of days where I am unable to leave the house at all. I can't help but feel that people would be more understanding if it were a physical problem causing me to be unable to go out. I've had a lot of 'cheer up's and 'you need to try harder's and even the odd 'smile and that'll help, that's what I do when I'm feeling a bit down'. I think that's the worst...when it's suggested that I'm 'a bit down'. Along with the trivialisation. The exclamations of I'm so depressed!' or 'don't move that around, I'm so ocd about it'. I think it fuels the stigma, mental health issues can be seen as something to joke about. I really think this needs to change. I find articles like this really help, I even forward the links to family members to help explain what I'm not always capable of putting into coherent speech. Speaking of which, I've lost all sense of whether this still makes sense! It does help to offload sometimes though and I would love to hear other people's experiences of BPD.

medical practitioners.

I agree with you Erica. Not enough info is given to GP's (or anyone!). It took 10 years for me to be diagnosed with clinical depression and a further 6 for BPD. I was lucky that a new councillor started at the practice and she recognised the symptoms. People never really understand it unless they experience it - and let's face it we would not wish this on our worst enemy. We all need to work towards a more open environment. I hope for a day where it becomes less stigmatised and as common place to talk about as other diseases. In the meantime we have each other. We are all here. And Natasha "normal" is over-rated! Who wants to be the same as everyone else. We are different and amazing. Stuff normal! :)

Bpd

Feel rejected by cmht, passed around because I think it is to hard for them . I have been discharged to gp and counselling. I think it's put councillor on the spot as she never expected this problem, she does seem very nice so I will try. Psychiatrists can be quick to dismiss some things you tell them if it doesn't fit their opinions but maybe that's the illness talking I don't know anymore. It is all insanely triggering. Is it so hard for people to understand that if I could I would rather lose the illness than every single person I have loved or who have attempted to love me.

Support

Hi Stephen, I'm really sorry to hear that you've been struggling. As an anti-stigma campaign we aren't able to offer advice on support directly, but you may find these links useful: http://bit.ly/1Lh54ZT Best, Crystal at Time to Change

Amazing

I am in tears everyday at 45 but reading this is amazing - and I love you all for writing everything I experience. I feel so low and impaired and burnt with all I have been through - especially losing family and friends and lovers over all these years. We should celebrate we are still here fighting the good fight even though we may have tried ending life because the pain is too much to bear. Am seeking counselling but so wary of mental health systems that don't really get it and have done all I can to keep away from them - hiding what I know will viewed negatively and fighting stigma. Can only say well done and congratulations for carrying on despite immense pain, struggle, difficulties that ordinary people cant imagine. Love and blessings to all - thank you for sharing.

B.P.D

Thanks for all of the blogs about this extremely mis- understood disorder I have experienced all of the above still do .. If you want to learn more about it the USA are much more knowledgeable on B.P.D I've learnt more from you tube blogs in the states. There have been studies by very respected psychologist / psychiatrists who have linked it with another disorder called Complex post traumatic stress disorder which isn't yet recognised in UK as there is no drug treatment available so not a viable diagnosis BUT for many BPD sufferers in UK there is very little acknowledged information from nhs It totally made sense when I heard this from a qualified therapist check out Sparton Life Coach a really good communicator of knowledge and easy to relate.. C.P.T.S.D may not apply to you but it was like the pieces of my whole self finally fit Love to you all and remember to breathe XXX :)

Searching for reasons to find peace

Having bpd and associated disorders is never easy. You want answers, to know whether its genetic or environmental, to know why; not just to be medicated. The head trauma associated with bpd is undeniably the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I have to share this however personal it is, in order for my being to heal, many don't share the inticacies of why we feel the way we do but here and now, I am going to. My bpd first started when I was 15 when my brother had a nervous breakdown. The events around that and the episodes between me and him I learned to deal with, however I had a disastrous marriage which I thought was mainly due to my fragile emotional state and blamed myself for the way my husband sexually treated me. However, after having undergone years of researching all the whys and wherefores and the blaming myself for my since crippling social anxiety, I have realised that my husband was and may still be suffering from biastophilia. This has come as an enlightening moment to me and may even be able to help me to reconcile painful memories in my head. People have said to me in the past stop looking for answers but I really believe that people with BPD do need answers because its the way that the illness makes you feel so lost that you need the underlying answers to be able to cope. I don't know whether this blog will help anybody else, but it is certainly helping me. I needed answers and was sick of psychiatrists telling me I didn't. Yes it's private, but if this can help anyone else with their guidance, it was worth it :)

I found help

I was not told I had bpd until I was nearly 60 years old. Much have I suffered and sometimes still do. There is one door that keeps me going. That is spiritual teaching, called ageless wisdom. I wish I could hug all of you. There is a book called "Life's Hidden Meaning". It says you have a soul and you are loved no matter what.

Help me

I struggle with everything. I need help. I see a counselor, I am on meds. But I am so miserable. I cant talk to my boyfriend about it because im afraid that he will be like "well F this S***, I'm not dealing with this crazy person." He wouldn't say that out loud, but I am pretty sure it would freak him out to know how I REALLY feel every day. He knows I have BPD and he knows a little about it, but if he really understood what I deal with, I am afraid he'd run for the hills. But it messes with me so bad, and it would explain why I am the way I am...so I feel like I need to tell him more about what I deal with.

Borderline Personality Disorder

I'm absolutely certain that I have this disorder, but my therapist doesn't seem to listen! :( I have extreme anger outburst which lead me to hurting myself, such as digging my nails into my chest drawing blood, picking things up and throwing them against the wall, smashing things, and screaming, have extreme jealous outbursts, uncontrollable bouts of anxiety and depression, very low self-esteem, I can like someone one minute, then the next, I can hate them! especially if they upset me, suicidal thoughts, have a terrible fear of being left alone, have extreme paranoia. I have zero support at home, only my therapist, but she seems to think I may have some other mental disorder, but I'm absolutely sure this is what i've been suffering from for most of my life! :'( does this sound like BPD to anyone here?

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