July 16, 2014

For as long as I remember I have been different, but maybe back then I didn't realise how much of an effect it would have on me as I got older. I'd say the realisation came in middle school; everyone seemed so care free, so happy and confident, but behind my fake smile and popular group of friends I was battling mentally. I was constantly worrying what people thought of me, why I didn't think I fitted in, that I was a outsider and nothing I said was interesting, like I wasn't good enough for anything or anyone. This carried on through my school years; I just felt like I was getting dragged through life, like it was a blur. I couldn't stop asking myself, why me?

I bottled it all up 

At 17, things started to get better; I started to see a opening for me, a future where I'd be happy. Days were getting easier and more enjoyable. Then life's cruel ways shot me back down. My mum and dad had just returned from a lovely holiday when my dad was taken ill from an infection in his body from a bite he received while he was away, a week later rushed into hospital. Little did I know he wouldn't be coming out. Two weeks later, at 45, my dad passed away suddenly, due to organ failure. Devastated. Why? Such a good man. Not long after my grandfather took ill also passed away, seven months later my uncle followed with an heart attack. Yet again that same question, why me?

After this I went into deep depression, left college, left work. Drained of any hope I had for happiness, my poor family torn apart in the worst possible way. Family were battling their own grief how could I trouble them with mine? So I bottled it all up and pushed it to the back of my mind. I needed to be strong, not be weak. Oh how wrong I was. Advice to anyone suffering: bottling all of those feelings up will not help - the bottle will fill one day, and it WILL need to spill. Speak up.

I can see that it's not dark at the end of the tunnel

At 19, after two years of just trying to cope with life, I met my partner, he swept me off my feet, life had a meaning. Was my luck turning a corner? Still battling with anxiety and depression, good days and bad days. He knew I worried a little more than the average person, but he didn't know how bad this was. How could he? I didn't tell him what I was feeling. What if I lost him?

After a while my partner could read me like a book, he knew I was suffering, him and my Mum confronted me. I though for sure he would leave me, who wants to be with someone with mental health issues I thought?

Sitting here typing this, I realise I should have confided in someone a lot sooner, and urge anyone suffering in silence to do so - no one deserves to suffer alone. We don't choose to be mentally ill, who would choose that? We are human just like everyone else, we have dreams and ambitions like everyone else, just our road getting to them has more obstacles to conquer.

Two years on at 21 I still have the odd bad day, but that's it - not everyday is a bad one now! My partner and Mum have been my rocks. Therapy has done so much for me. I can see that it's not dark at the end of the tunnel. We are all in this together. Talking about it, raising awareness - we can beat this. I know I am!

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Share your story

Too many people are made to feel ashamed. By sharing your story, you can help spread knowledge and perspective about mental illness that could change the way people think about it.


I also have a mood and personality disorder.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that you are very courageous for opening up and sharing your story. It helps people like me, who used to care about what others thought. I used to try so hard to be cool to fit in with a certain type of crowd but it didn't make me happy in the long run. God and a relationship with Jesus Christ made me whole and now I only care about what They think. God bless.

Depression Awareness

I just had to comment on how suicide is seen as an act of selfishness. It's always been a slap in the face. but it comes from people who don't understand how depression works. I've finally hit more of my acceptance years in my early 20's and I've realized that it is selfish, I would never want my loved ones to have to live on wondering if there was something they could have done, questioned every wrong doing, strangers and exes included. But when you're depressed, you convince yourself not to care, because caring and focusing on the pain you'd cause only causes more pain, and your pain and emptiness consume you, and you just want out. Blowing it off as selfish only acknowledges the selfishness within ourselves, not caring about the actual problem at hand.


Thank you for sharing your story. I have just been told i have depression frm my doctor. Reading your story has been me reialise im not alone in this.

Project Apotheosis

Hello, My Daughter, Catherine Vaughan, has created a Suicide Prevention Film. It is a feature length movie which took more than a year to make, and she has now completed it at the age of 15, and it has just been released on you-tube. Any feedback or news of it being used gratefully received. You can find the movie and it's trailer and more by searching for 'Apotheosis Movie Brighton'. If you would be great if you are be able to mention it via a tweet etc. or on your web site, so that we can encourage people to see it, to try to spread it's positive message. Please forward this email to anyone you feel may help. A description of the film is as follows... === Apotheosis is a film like no other, that dares to be different. It tells the story of a teenage girl trying to come to terms with her troubled past, and hearing voices that urge her to end her life. In her darkest moment, she meets someone with the potential to turn her world around. We see the world through her eyes, where colour reflects her constantly changing mood as she struggles to find her way. In many ways it is a homage to the silent era and 60's psychedelia. It is an audio visual experience where the powerful eclectic soundtrack takes center stage as the story is told as much through the songs lyrics as through the dialogue. At times the screen becomes a gallery to nature, and to the vibrant city of Brighton. it's shops, its architecture, and it's stunning street art. Apotheosis is a film that celebrates beauty in its many forms. The beauty of music and song, nature, art, youth, friendship and love, but most of all, the beauty of life. It also contains a message that no matter what has happened or is happening in your life, that the future holds endless possibilities, with the chance to begin again, and make your life what you want it to be. === I am pleased to say that Apotheosis has been selected to be a part of the International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) 2016 World Suicide Prevention Day YouTube Playlist. I hope you can help. Many Thanks and best wishes, Ben Vaughan.

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