My story could easily never have been told.
At the age of 13, I was incredibly overwhelmed by the world. I lost my father at a young age, I was plagued by social anxiety and my self confidence was non-existent. I felt ugly, fat, annoying, and completely alone. I felt like a failure. In response to these emotions, I turned to self harm, bulimia, isolation and, at one point, I wrote a suicide note each day before I went to bed because my life was that close to the end. I was in constant agony.
For me, there were a lot of people along the way who did not help, who did not understand or who only added to my pain.
“I am a firm believer that, had mental health issues been less of a hidden topic, or if people had been better educated, those same people may have made more of an effort to help themselves and others like me.”
So, instead I want to speak about the people who were in my corner, and still are to this day. There are plenty of them; some I wasn't aware of at the time, but now I am at a place in my life where I can look back and thank every single one of them for getting me through my teenage years, all the way to where I am now.
I am 19, and I might not have ever reached today if it wasn't for them.
My first thanks is to an anonymous figure, who, to this day, I do not know the identity of. This individual took it upon themselves to inform my school about some of the stuff that was going on for me. They didn't know the half of it, but they knew that I was in pain and that I was heading in a downward spiral. At the time, all I could think about was how they made everything worse; the pain I saw in my mother when they told her was unbearable. Yet without seeing that, I would never have had a reason to look at where I was objectively.
“This person did something that I, nor any of the others who saw me struggling, could do - they spoke out.”
Next up is my family. They were always in my corner, but the day they found out what I was doing to myself, they spent every single day trying to make things as easy as possible for me. Not only was it a defining moment when they respected my wish to stay away from drug based therapy, but it was also a sign that they were on my side and trying to help. Not once was I forced into something I did not want to do. I can't tell you how important it was for me to know that they were there, no matter what. It’s a relief knowing that I can just call my mum and tell her how truly alone I sometimes feel and how crippling anxiety sometimes stops me from leaving the house for days. When I cannot stop screaming and I cannot breathe without having a panic attack, I know that my mum will always find me. I know that they will not point out and mock my scars when I wear a bikini on holiday, and I know that if I get to a point where I cannot fight, they will fight for me and do whatever it takes to make things better.
Finally, there are many others - this list is by no means exhaustive. Those who asked about my scars in a curious but respectable manner, the ones speaking out for mental health, the non-judgemental ones, the ones who listened to my problems, the ones who told me their stories, the ones who thanked me for being open with them, the ones on social media, the medical and professional ones, the ones I helped, the ones who gave me their number just in case I needed them, the ones who did not turn a blind eye and then finally the ones who fought their own battles and who are still fighting to this day - they all deserve my thanks.
I still deal with the same issues day to day, almost seven years after I first realised that I had problems. I still have anger issues, I still get exhausted by social interaction, I still have days where I am convinced that everyone hates me, and I still deal with so much more each and every day. But what I remember through it all is just how many people are in my corner.
“I no longer feel like nobody understands what I am going through and I am sure that I can get through each and every day, because of them.”
I guess what I am trying to say is that when I couldn’t help myself, these people who stayed in my corner, no matter what, 100 per cent saved my life. I am entirely convinced that each and every person can do that for someone else. Imagine if everyone had the same mindset as those I have mentioned.
Stop shying away from mental health issues and start speaking out.
It is time to change.
