It started with feeling irritated over small issues. I didn't look forward to spending time with my baby. My in-laws would make me loose my nerve. For no reason at all, I was getting angry at home. Even in the office, I didn’t feel like working anymore. I was losing enthusiasm for life and struggling to enjoy the things that would usually make me happy.
After a few hard years of a large amount of family bereavement, there was a day at school where I fainted for the first time. I hoped this was a one-off, but the fainting grew more and more until it was twice a day and was seriously affecting my life. My behavior started to get worse and I found myself getting a lot angrier with teachers. I had various medical tests, saw many specialists and yet nobody had an explanation for what was going on.
At 16 years old I sat in my first therapy session and was told that I “had no real reason for having depression”. I was doing well in school, I had plenty of friends and there was no single particular traumatic event that had triggered the decline of my mental health. According to my therapist this made it impossible for me to feel anxious or depressed. After two more sessions I was totally convinced that I’d manifested these feelings myself and actually had perfect mental health, so I left.
OCD tends to be viewed as excessive handwashing and a fear of contamination. But for the first 6 years of having diagnosed OCD, I don’t think there was ever an instance of me considering germs any more than the average human.
Having anxiety has impacted a lot of areas of my life, but it has especially affected my ability to cope with tasks that are, to many people, mundane and every day. Phone calls are an area of everyday life that I find particularly difficult to mange my anxiety around. They can often be unpredictable and without facial cues from the other person, I find it difficult to comprehend how they are reacting to what I am saying.