Living with agoraphobia and depression
When you find out you have a mental illness what tends to be the first thing most of us feel? Embarrassment? Shame? Relief that you know what's wrong? Very few people will feel the last emotion, instead first focusing on the shock and embarrassment of the whole situation. A mental health problem?! Does that mean I'm crazy? I know that's how I felt when I was diagnosed with depression at a young age, so I kept it to myself.
As I grew up, it became a lot harder to disguise my problems, especially after taking so much time off school. Then, as I started to work, I began to face even more problems. Taking time off school was difficult but manageable but taking time off work meant I was going to get fired. And I did. A lot. There would be days on end I would take off sick but never be able to explain to my bosses what was wrong with me. I was still so embarrassed and ashamed. I'd remain sociable, however, and enjoyed (brief) stints in sales and even behind a bar.
During the middle of last year something hit me. Panic: a really strong fear of leaving my home, my comfort zone or going anywhere near a public place. I didn't want to come face to face with anybody and just sat there crying my heart out for what felt like days on end. My partner (Jacob) was extremely confused and was desperate to get me to see a doctor. I was still too ashamed to tell him that I had depression and mental health problems.
I was told I had agoraphobia
I finally gave in and was bundled into a taxi to see my doctor, through a lot of crying and nervous shaking. I told Jacob that I had depression, which worsened when my mother passed away in 2008. I'd tried to cope on my own but it seemed as though everything had finally got on top of me. I was given medication to calm me down and was told that I had agoraphobia, which is a fear of leaving the house, public spaces, any kind of social situation where I could be made to feel uncomfortable. Me? Surely not!
I knew I would never be able to work with this illness, which is why I started working from home on a freelancing website. I wrote blogs, articles, copy and website content for money. However, I wanted to do more. I wanted to stop feeling so ashamed and embarrassed about this problem, this illness, this 'craziness'.
I began creating a book of people's mental health stories
I started putting together a book of people's mental health stories at the end of last year, as well as pictures, artwork and so on. As it is being crowd funded for self publishing it began to pick up attention from the press and I got an e-mail from BBC Radio Kent: 'Would you like to come and talk about your illness on the radio?'
Could I possibly get to the studio (about 2 minutes walk from my home) and sit talking to thousands of people about my illness? Something I had hidden from as many people as possible for so long? I said I would get back to the producer and spoke to my partner (who I live with) and my dad about it. Their responses were exactly the same: it's time to talk.
I made a nervy trip to BBC Radio Kent
On Monday the 14th January I made a very nervy trip to the BBC Radio Kent studio with my Dad there for support. I thought I was going to pass out or be sick on the way but as soon as I met the team there I felt instantly better. Everyone was so supportive and understanding. Just after 10am I spoke for around 20 minutes with Julia George about my struggles, my awareness project and the discrimination in my life.
At 10.30am, on my way home, I felt as though something had been lifted. Perhaps not forever, but for that moment in time I felt normal. I wanted to go and sit in the cafe and have a drink, or pop to the shops on my own. I know it's never going to be that easy but just talking genuinely made me feel better. Especially when I saw the amount of support I had through social networks, my text messages and e-mails from those that had listened.
I wish it was time to talk for everyone
Now all I can say is that I wish it was time to talk for everyone. The main reason for me putting together the book is to give everybody a chance to talk; to raise awareness and stop this feeling of shame or embarrassment. We're not crazy, we're just like everybody else.
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Comments
My mother
My mother suffered from agoraphobia from my birth until she was eventually able to think about leaving the house when I was 13, I am so proud of what she has achieved however I find it so hard to tell her as this illness affected me and my sisters so much. We effectively became the parents along with my Dad. I don't recall any help or support being given to any of us other than drugs and it was her who eventually got herself off the sofa, one of my biggest childhood memories is her laying there looking into a mirror.
We somehow got through this even though I feel that it has left me with some deep wounds, website and blogs like this help so much as people are finally speaking about the many forms it takes, my husband started suffering from depression last year and so far I have been strong and able to cope, I have started having counselling as a third party to this illness and the impact it's had on my life and its encouraging to read how people cope and survive, I will you all well on this journey x
agoraphobia
I've been strugling with depresion and agoraphobia now for 4years, I'm 15 years old and I have left school because I couldn't cope,I started with this in year7 when family members past away,I eventually left school in year 9,at first I got yelled at and everybody thought I was 'skiving' school,the truth was I wasn't.I went to the doctors and got refferd to chams,they helped me through a lot and got me back into education,I am know at a college studying hairdressing,I love it! I still have my bad days where I won't want to go out of the house and ill cry all day.knowing your not on your own really helped me.its great to see websites like this:) x
i feel your pain
well im 18 years old and for the past two years i have been in and out of hospital as i suffer from mental ilnesses when i first got tould that i had a mental ilness i felt ashamed and alone and all i wanted to cry all the time but i had to much pride so i went along with my life as if nothing was wrong but at the end of the day it dident help me it just hurt the people close to me :(
Depression
I first became diagnosed with depression when I had just turned 15.My parents kicked me out and through no fault of my own found myself homeless. I ended up in various vulnerable women's hostels and also young people's hostels,around the country. I was trying to sit my exams which I did very well in considering my situation. I had stopped eating and sleeping completely for weeks. This made me very ill.
And procfessionAls involved with my became Increasingly worried about me. I tried to overdose twice but was caught and stopped. At this point I was referred to mental health teams who prescribed me with strong anti depressants. I am still only 16 and learning to live independently whilst trying to complete a college course- I find this very difficult as being in any space with a large amount of people scares me And I cannot yet Cope with this,, I want a better future for myself although most of the time this looks bleak. I have also only just come out of an abusive relationship with my boyfriend, which didn't help my situation in the slightest.
Depression and anxiety
Recently iv been struggling with depression I lost my job just before xmas since have been unable to find another, got cheated on and heartbroken aswell as had to deal with a recent family friends suicide all in a short amount of time.
I keep getting anxiety attacks at little things and I'm constantly finding myself crying if I'm on my own. Not only that I can't eat as iv lost my appetite and I find when I do I start over thinking and I have to run to the toilet because I start throwing up and iv become dependent on sleeping tablets as I can't sleep.
I'v managed to save some money and go to Greece for a month or so in summer so it gives me something to look forward to and itl be good for me.
I'm so glad they're is sites being promoted more for mental health! It needs to be recognised.
Thought I'd share my story also.
Much love everyone and sounds cheesy but keep fighting the battle
Liz x
You are not alone
Hello :)
Just wanted to say that you are not alone, I have suffered with depression, anxiety for some years now, and am finding it extremely hard to find employment.
Well done and thank you for sharing your pain. Keep on trucking!
Kind regards
Lisa X
Thanks.
Thanks for writing your article. It helps when you read something that reflects the pain you are going through. I have suffered from depression for many years and anxiety, panic attacks and sometimes I find it very difficult to go out or be in social situations. Things are worse at the moment as the benefit I was on was refused and I have been going through the process of appealing against the decision. I feel very much discriminated against, as if "society" thinks this is not a valid condition. I am living in a state of constant insecurity as if waiting for a death sentence waiting for a tribunal hearing. I'm dreading it because it means being questioned by a roomful of strangers and if I don't answer them right, my benefit appeal could be refused. I feel like I am being punished for suffering from this condition. I refused medication because I don't trust it at all, and this seems to make people think that I must be okay, as if refusing medication is the same as saying you don't suffer from anxiety or depression. I feel like professionals I speak to are judging me, I even had a doctor say to me "snap out of it!" I get tired just doing a few things, so I can't write any more right now. Thanks for your article and the replies to it too. It helps not to feel so alone.
Depression and agoraphobia
I was told i was an agoraphobic just under two years age. I have have to say that I felt relief when I finally went to see my doctor and the went to see a therapist. The relief came when my therapist told me that it was a perfectly normal reaction to what had happened to me and that it was just my minds why of protecting myself from being hurt again. It was a relief simple becasue I thiught Iwas going crazy. All I can say is that to anyone out there who is showing any of the signs of agoraphobia and depression. Seek help and your not alone there are many off us suffering from the same thing. I am now able to go out on my own, I still suffer from the fear of going out but I now have ways of dealing with it and I know I will alwauys suffer from it. But now I control the illness and the illness does not contol me. I have gone from someone who couldnt even go and put the bin out, outside the gate to being someone who is planning on going to florida on her own for 3 months. So if your showing the signs go see your doctor and demand help. And just remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Depression and agoraphobia.
Diane thank you so much for posting that. Im bipolar/borderline personality/severe anxiety wich i am pretty sure has always been agoraphobia. And within the last week i started watching really scary youtube videos about the government and shit nd what this world is coming to and what i believe they are really doing to the usa. I am beyond scared for my life and beyond scared to leave my house. i always have been. im going for my license next week and still dont know ho much i will actually get out. i have made an appointment with a psychiatrist and am seeing my doctor next week but i feel like i have never been this depressed before. i feel worthless. i feel like im going crazy but i know im not. i will be getting on medication very soon.
I can relate
I am 27 years old and for the past 4 years I have suffered extreme agoraphobia, social phobia, depression, panic attacks and severe anxiety. My life is non existent pretty much and I feel very alone and isolated. Your story really rang true with me. Good luck x
agoraphobia
Hello,
Thank you for telling your story, i have struggled with depression and agoraphobia for 10 years, it started when i was 15 and at the time i had no idea what was happening to me, i did not go and see a doctor for years as i was embarassed. i thought i was a complete freak and that i was the only person in the world to have this problem.
There was a point at which i hadn't left my house for 2 months and not left the small town i live in for 8 years, it got to a completely unmanageable level 2 years ago and which point i was sent for CBT which really helped and i am due to have another set of CBT next month. I am along way from cured but i am better than i was. I am currently doing a part time temp job and i am so worried about finding full time employment as i don't think anyone will employ me.
You sound so strong, its inspiring.
Emma x
Depression
Ive only just been diagnosed with depreddion and ive found it a real struggle but im so glad I now no im not alone
Agoraphobia
I ve just listened to your interview and it felt like you are talking about my life.
I ve had anxiety and panic attacks since 1995 when my Grandma died.
It got so bad, that I couldn t get out of the house or into the garden :-(, but I kept on fighting.
after 15 years of total fear I managed to go to see a therapist and for the last 2 years it has become a lot better. The anxiety is still in the air and for example, I cannot go shopping on my own.. it s just not possible. I have to have a "safe person" with me. I just deal differently with it.
I am also afraid of Doctors so I didn t take any medication.
My Therapist now adviced me to get a rehabilitation treatment...but I have to see a doctor first....
God knows how I will manage to get over this fear...
Anyway it was great to hear that I am not alone with my anxiety... thanks for sharing.
Greetings from Germany
Angie
Depression and OCD
I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 19, but it really started far earlier than that. A friend killed himself the March before I was going to University and things began to spiral out of control a few months later. When I became involved with a woman I took several overdoses, the last of which was nearly fatal. I've seen at least four psychiatrists, a handful of psychologists and had two key workers. I am on the waiting list for another one. My OCD revolves around thoughts of attacking people with knives. I once went four weeks without leaving the house, drawing the curtains and pulling the duvet over my head. I genuinely wanted to die. I've had an intermittent employment history and only one serious relationship. I try to hide it but it's nearly impossible. I am currently on Priadel and Sertraline, both mood-enhancing drugs. I have little sleep at night and feel tired again by midday. If I can make it I will complete my degree in 2014, but there is nothing here to do after that.
Thank you Rebecca for your blog. Good luck with the rest of your life x
My friend you can and will beat this.
Sean you do not have to hide my friend. There is help out there, you can come out of this and most importantly you have nothing to be ashamed about. The best piece of advice I can give you is to talk , whether it is to your GP or a family member, you do not have to go through this alone.
Dec
Helping hand :)
Great article and thank you for talking, so brave and so very needed right now!
Sean (above commenter) what are you looking to do or what is your degree in? Touch base as you never know when a good fairy can pop up :)
Once again, amazing article and keep up the good work Rebecca!
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