Depression: Why am I ashamed? I’ve got nothing to hide

Submitted by -Nicola- on Fri, 01/02/2013 - 10:13am

Nicola, a Time to Change blogger Over the months and years I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression, I found I was only able to talk to a few people. The few friends who I revealed information to were supportive but didn’t really understand so I didn’t tell them as much.

I really appreciated their kindness but just couldn’t be completely myself. However the ones who I felt safe with and who I was able to talk to about everything were my family and three teachers.

They just gave me time, a smile, a thoughtful comment, a joke, a distraction. Without these people I wouldn’t have got through the first time I had mental health problems and now I have fallen back into that mind-set, I wouldn’t be so determined to beat it again if it wasn’t for their selfless support and guidance.

There’s one comment which stands out for me and which I’ll never forget… In Sixth Form, after failing a piece of coursework, my teacher (who knew I liked football) whispered to me that “footballers don’t score goals when they are injured”. This personalised comment meant so much to me and helped to relieve the anger and frustration that I felt because I wasn’t doing well at school at that time.

It’s so important that people have someone they can talk to. It doesn’t even have to be about mental health. You could discuss X Factor, football, a good book;whatever it is, the fact someone has taken the time to talk to you means so much.

I’ve written this poem to express how I feel at the moment about but also because it is time to change. I would like to dedicate it to everyone who has helped me but also to everyone who is living with a mental health problem and the special people supporting them.

Poem about depression and mental health stigma

Why am I ashamed? I’ve got nothing to hide.

Why is it a secret? It’s just a different side.

This constant feeling of numbness, is hindering my life,

The sharp pains in my chest, cutting like a knife.

The questions and frustration, the never ending tears,

The sense of being lost, just emphasizing my fears.

Staring at the ceiling, the time just passes by,

Why oh why won’t my body, respond to anything I try?

I admit I’ve got depression, that and anxiety too,

But really if you look, I’m still the same as you.

Don’t think of me as different, just smile and be kind,

I’m still who I was, just trapped inside my mind.

Why should mental health, be a whispered conversation?

The time has come at last, to discuss it as a nation.

Together we’ll break down, the stigma and misconception

Together we’ll show pride, for having beaten depression.

What do you think about the issues raised in this blog?

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Or sign our pledge wall to show your support and find out how talking tackles mental health discrimination.

-Nicola-'s blog posts

Comments

Brave Poem

Submitted by Anita Tew (not verified) on Tue, 16/04/2013 - 8:19pm.

Nearly cried reading your poem. It's so simple and yet so encapsulating of feelings so many of us share. I really appreciate you writing this :) It is these types of relatable blog posts that keep me positive and remind me I am not alone. Thank you xxx

Your Poem

Submitted by Sharron (not verified) on Thu, 21/02/2013 - 8:21pm.

Thank you Nicola for your poem, its lovely. It made me cry but that just because where i am now. it express everything so well.
take care xx

I'd appreciate your opinion

Submitted by Anna (not verified) on Thu, 21/02/2013 - 11:24am.

Hi,

I'm sorry in advance if my message is not appropriate for the forum. I think this webpage is a great way to share with those who'd understand. And there are lots of people out there who are willing and trying to help. Books on Prescriptions Scheme is a very recent joint initiative of NHS and librarians that's aimed at helping people find the right books to feel better. I'm a journalist making a video piece on this subject and I'd really like to be able to talk to someone who wants to express their opinion...and maybe, talk about what their experience of what it takes to be able to tackle psychological difficulties.

Thanks.
Anna.

Thank you

Submitted by Rachel (not verified) on Tue, 19/02/2013 - 7:13pm.

It just took me a couple of times to get through your poem, it was beautiful. I swear I could have written it myself.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, I'm new to all of this so I'm finding it all very overwhelming, helpful but overwhelming xx

Your poem is great, its good

Submitted by Bluebutterfly30 (not verified) on Tue, 19/02/2013 - 11:43am.

Your poem is great, its good to read something I understand so much. You sound a really strong person.

Thank you for sharing it.

I lost the love of my life due to depression

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 09/02/2013 - 6:22pm.

I first suffered from depression after my brother died 6 yrs ago. I didn't realise that I was suffering from it until my long term boyfriend finished with me because he couldn't cope with how I was anymore. It was then that I hit rock bottom.
I was living overseas at the time so didn't have any family to support me but I had some good friends.
I managed to sort myself out by taking medication and talking about how I felt.
Eventually I got back with my boyfriend and he asked me to marry him. Shortly after this I suffered from a miscarriage and that was when I had my second bout of depression. This time, I left my fiance, thinking I was making the best decision for both of us as I was so unhappy. It's ended up being the biggest mistake of my life.
4yrs on and I have suffered from depression several more times and I don't seem to have moved on with my life. My ex fiance however met someone else very quickly and has been very happy. He is getting married this year.
Not only have I lost a lovely loving partner, but also friends along the way. Even my family seem to dispare of me at times. I often feel a failure at work too these days, and I used to be very good at my job.
I feel self absorbed in my misery and feel that there is no hope for how I feel or more importantly my future.
I have tried medication, counselling, etc. but nothing seems to work.
I feel very lonely and pathetic.
Can someone please help me or have any suggestions to get my life back?

I notice a few things that

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 27/03/2013 - 10:30pm.

I notice a few things that you've mentioned here have come across in my blog that I've written about my journey with anxiety. I've had it all my life but it has peaked in my recent years. I've also been through a stage of depression related to my OCD intrusive thoughts. It's a long shot but I've started a blog and I've started a series of blogs writing about things that are helping me get better and also describe how I felt when I had my ' breakdown'. Everyday I'll be writing tips and hopefully going to start getting conversations with people on the comment boxes so everyone can talk about their experiences and how they've been helped. I really think awareness and getting more people to understand about anxiety and depression is a big part of the journey as well. Unfortunately, at the moment a lot of people don't understand and don't have consideration. Hopefully, this will change in the future :)

Thanks for sharing

Submitted by Alicia (not verified) on Thu, 07/02/2013 - 12:34pm.

I have suffered from Anxiety and Depression since January 2011 after a personal life breakdown. I do find it difficult to talk about and do pick and choose out of my friends who knows.

I have to admit the subject before I suffered from it was like many 'just snap out of it', 'toughen up' yet after having my breakdown and now taking anti depressants to help me I fully understand what people go through.

This poem really helps and having a mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, everybody is the same we just have different issues to deal with.

I myself am now on the slow road to recovery I have so much support as there is so much out there now and their really is people that can help when you feel theres no way out, if you had asked me two years ago what would I be doing now? I would have said I dont care and I probably wont be here, now I am back in work, I have a greta supportive boyfriend I live in a new place with a lovely flat mate and my life is so much better. Yes I still get anxiety and have my down days but I have so many coping techniques I learn to deal with them. I have had two breakdowns in two years as I didnt really listen the first time yet now I feel even if it did happen again I could deal with it.

Well done everyone and keep fighting on :)

Alicia xx

Depression

Submitted by Phill (not verified) on Mon, 04/02/2013 - 9:32pm.

I fell just like I am on a treadmill with no way off. The more I try the worse it seems to get. I am trying to get help but at present it is still not working. Any advice?

Hi Phill, just talking to

Submitted by Time to Change on Tue, 05/02/2013 - 4:45pm.

Hi Phill, just talking to someone can really help sometimes. You can find tips fo talking about mental health to friends and family on our website or the Samaritans are always available. You can call them on 08457 90 90 90 or email jo@samaritans.org or visit your local branch if you want to speak to someone face to face: http://www.samaritans.org/branches

The samaratons

Submitted by Alan (not verified) on Thu, 07/02/2013 - 10:40pm.

The samaratons are of no help all they do is get u to tell them wat it feels like to be alone in a crowed. They would wach Amanda drownd and just ask him wat it felt like when he was going under. I talked to them as few times befor I relised they were just taking the piss
Not every 1 has any 1 to talk to I have been the 1 that famerly and friend have turnd to for help all my life, but I been ill now for 2 years and on high amounts of pain killers all I want to do is shout or hide but I have to help as I all ways have

You're brilliant

Submitted by ChrisM (not verified) on Mon, 04/02/2013 - 4:23pm.

Nicola, you've done such a great thing by sharing your story and poem. Thanks also for passing on that quote, it is so true and so easy to relate to, I will remember that.

Best wishes for the future
Chris

depression & anxiety

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 03/02/2013 - 10:29pm.

I get bullied for having depression & anxiety, it's not fair they can't see all the hurt they've caused me-or the cuts on my legs.they make omments and remarks and normally i stand and take it but one day someone crossed the line so i turned and gave him a black eye-i was suspened for a week an when i came back it got worse so i did the same again but this time i hit them in the stomach and i got the same punishment.only this time when i came back i had anorexia.after a week of being back at school my so-called best friend told everyone my secrets they now knew about my cutting life was living hell i hated it so much i ven thought about suicide and even though i had no friends to talk to i had a family i could always turn to they still pick on mr and put notes in my locker but i try to ignore them.

Keep talking

Submitted by -Nicola- on Thu, 07/02/2013 - 10:07pm.

I'm so sorry to hear of your experience and wish I could say something more useful for you but keep ignoring the ignorant bullies - none of this is your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I advise you to keep talking to your family, talking really does help. I hope you get the help you deserve and start to feel better soon. Wishing you all the best to keep fighting!

Thank you

Submitted by Amarpreet Kaurl (not verified) on Sun, 03/02/2013 - 2:11am.

That poem is the most perfect piece I have ever read!

Keep going!

Submitted by Julie (not verified) on Sat, 02/02/2013 - 12:40pm.

Well done for sharing your story.

I can relate so much to your poem as thats exactly what it feels like for be depressed and have anxiety.

I have had anxiety since my teens and I am now a mother to two children. I still struggle like mad somedays but I know I have a few select people that understand me and who support me. Keep talking...thats the best thing to do.

Wishing you well for the future

Julie x