October 25, 2013

RoisinWarning, some readers may find this post triggering.

Help can come from the most unexpected places. For years, I hid my struggles with borderline personality disorder and bulimia. Outwardly, I was bubbly, confident and relaxed, afraid of nothing and living every day to the full. In reality, there were some days where I couldn't even get out of bed. The only people that I allowed to see the "real" me were my poor mum and sister. They were the ones who picked up the pieces after a night of binging or drinking. They were the ones who bandaged my wrists and stroked my hair.

At university, mum and sis were not so readily available- the pressures of university life, drinking heavily and eating junk food started to get me down and I found myself "freaking out" in front of a guy I hardly knew. Hardly knew, but admired. He was the kind of boy that everyone loved, that made you laugh, that everyone secretly fancied. Instead of running away, he sat me down. I was mortified but he calmly told me about his anxiety. I listened as he spoke about his paranoia, low self esteem and the pressures he put himself under- I couldn't believe it!

You see, you never can tell who is suffering. We treat mental health issues with fear and embarrassment but I'm proud to say I battle every day. I lead a normal life and don't feel ashamed of my niggling thoughts or the silver lines on my arms. It's time to talk.

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Comments

struggling

I am 45 and was only diagnosed last year with BPD. I always thought something was wrong with me. I have always been supersensitive and very obsessive. I have trouble making friends and when I have, I have dumped them for things that may look so small. I had my first relationship at the age of 34 and I became very co-dependant on them. It ended 8 years ago badly but couldn't stand the thought of never seeing them again so stayed friends, but I have had mixed feelings of like and hate for a long time. Recently the past has come back to haunt me and I feel so much resentment. I have been having anxiety attacks and breaking down at work

symptoms

i feel for you i hope that you get well soon. what are some of the symptoms you faced when you had bpd

Documentary

I love how honest and brave you are for talking about this on here. I am currently working on a documentary which tackles mental health and the stigma that it has. I'd be really interested to hear more about your story. If you interested reply to this and Ill leave you some contact details!

Reading you

I am reading you and I feel happy. Only a week ago I have a diagnosis. My parents ever said to me that I am "as a roller coaster" with my emotions and feelings... But NOW, at my 34 years olf, living a life plenty of bad feelings, anxiety, food disorders, depressions, they say to me that I have a borderline personality. It´s an earlier knowledge that makes me feel bad... Do i have a lot of bad thing with people because I don´t know about my disorder? It feels so bad that someone tells you that you HAVE A PERSONALITY DISORDER. My mind don´t proccess the thing in the right way... And all my life I have treated to be the good girl for anyone, forgiving myself... I am a little lost. I know that I am strong, and I am gonna fight with psychotherapy all my problems. But I feel alone. I feel that I am bad to others... I am feeling afraid. I suppose that it´s normal, but if someone can help me with his/her words, as you said, Roising... I need more external support. Thanks to share your experience. Thank you so much.

Your blog

Thank you so much for sharing. It is both insightful and helpful to me during the hardest times I have ever encountered. I lost the love of my life. I wish we could have been more open, just like you are in your blog. You might want to have a look at my blog, I am always interested in opinions and insights. Maybe reading my perspective could also be of help for you. http://shrimplovesbee.wordpress.com

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