July 6, 2016

I'm fully aware that I have a mental health problem. I can't change that – but you CAN change your attitude.

I’m so tired of being judged by people who know nothing about mental health. Imagine a life where people say “you’re a drama queen”, “over protective”, “crazy”, “not normal”, “unsocial”, “you hate people”, “you make life worst than it is…”. And “get over it, nothing’s wrong”, “everyone has a bad day, stop playing the victim”, “here’s a tiny violin”. “You’re horrible”. “You’re mental”.

Then think, why would you do that? What would make you choose a life where that is how you want people to see you?

Answer? You wouldn’t choose it.

I experience borderline personality disorder (BPD), depression (which started at age 11), anxiety, agoraphobia for five years, PTSD and I’m a past self-harmer. Due to over medicating and not having a health and safety plan in place, BPD has nearly killed me multiple times. But we are stronger than the impulses, we can fight this. We aren’t manipulative, or at least I personally don’t come across that way. We aren’t dangerous, but the media makes it out that if you have a mental health issue you’re likely to hurt someone. NO, we aren’t, if anything we’re more at risk, and more sensitive to other people’s pain.

BPD is a medical condition. Even doctors get mental health wrong, so we need to study and understand it more. We aren’t broken, we are just different. When people say “be normal”, I fight back and say “define normal” – what’s normal for most isn’t for me.

The thing is, most people, “normal people”, see the world as it is. We don’t. My world, my life, people, events, anything and everything, have never felt real. The reason why I’m more internet public and enjoy being alone 24/7 is because...I’m terrible with people unless they need help or want something.

I hate eye contact. It freaks me out. I overanalyse. I care too much; I turn into a councillor. I can’t choose to live in reality so everything seems more intense all the time. Everything is a movie or soap because I’m detached from EVERYTHING.

I can look at myself in a mirror and have no idea who that person looking back is. I can stare at my hands or hurt myself and not feel a thing because my body doesn’t seem real. Test it: Get your phone, walk around the house and film at eye level, then watch it back. People are actor’s, events are story plots. That’s how I interpret the world.

Nothing seems real if I’m happy. If someone is being nice, then I know it will get ripped away from me like a plot twist. A simple task such as picking something up has five questions behind why I want to or need to before I even do it. Life consists of always looking over my shoulder. Worried over nothing but it’s always there. Fearing every little thing. Phone rings…who died? What’s wrong? Police? These thoughts race through my mind within seconds.

Expecting the worst is easier than having the good then taken away. If I know it’s coming then nothing needs to turn off I can cope otherwise bad news.

How many times do you think I HAVE TRIED TO CHANGE? I hate this so much.

I overanalyse because it helps put a perspective on things because I can’t do it straight away, I have to know why that was said. Was the purpose good or bad? What’s hidden in the subtext, why did you choose me to tell? How am I supposed to respond in away a “normal” person would?

So when you say, “OMG she’s crazy!” I’m fully aware that I have a mental illness; I can deal with that, and I can’t change it – but you CAN change your attitude. I’m not dangerous so either deal with it too or leave my life.

I know life isn’t a movie, I know people are real, I know eyes aren’t camera’s, I’m aware I’m not on the Truman Show – but it feels like it to me. Not everyone is “normal”. Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.

So: Don’t judge or run; embrace, help and talk to people. Everyone asks “how are you?” but god forbid you answer with the truth – some people don’t care about your answer unless there’s something in it for them. I’m not like those people, so if I ask, it’s because I care and won’t judge.

I’m not a victim to life, I’m not looking for anyone to care or help. I just want people to know that they’re lucky not to be trapped in a world that doesn’t seem real. So stop judging those of us who have mental health problems, and start supporting them. Just because it’s in the head doesn’t mean it’s not real to the person experiencing it. Just because you can’t see a bandage doesn’t mean it’s not important. 

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