August 4, 2016

I am a 20 year old female, I have recently come out of hospital (a psychiatric intensive care unit) after my last admission, which was my 3rd, all have been under sections.

I have been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder emotional and antisocial, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), attachment disorder, anxiety, depression and, to put the cherry on the bun, insomnia.

From face value, I look very respectable, have a very good work life, a nice home and a stable relationship. This is what people see and they automatically assume that I am fine and because they can not see any off my illnesses it must not matter or they must not be that important. I want to break that stigma, show people the truth of what it's really like living with illnesses such as these, in the hope people will start to understand, empathise and acknowledge that mental health can not be brushed under the carpet and ignored.

My personality disorder makes me have very fast emotional switches, one moment I'm okay and in the next breathe I'm in hysterical tears and I want to commit suicide, then I might feel sad and in the next moment I'm filled with rage and this leads to me becoming very irrational and impulsive putting myself in dangerous situations and from there I can go to feeling completely nothing, like a hollowness an empty feeling and I feel it to the point it hurts physically. This then can lead me to self harming in many different forms, this in sense brings me back to normality for a moment.

My recent diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder, this makes things that have happened in the past come back very real for me, I have flashbacks that can last for hours and this is non less than a mental torture having to relive that amount of trauma over and over again. My body's coping mechanism to this is disassociation, totally disconnecting you to that period as though you're watching yourself rather than it being you, this also leads to periods of pure freezing and zoning out completely and when you come back you can't remember any of the events that have just happened.

All of this then has a bad impact on my depression making it a vicious circle, people see depression as you might be a bit "moody", well I can tell you that depression is not just that, it's physically not having the strength to get out of bed, to do menial chores such as brushing your teeth, eating, cleaning yourself, staying in the same clothes for days, not talking to people, wanting affection but at the same time you can't bear people near you, refusing help because you feel you don't deserve it.

Then there's my anxiety, I struggle immensely with going to appointments, talking on the phone, being in crowds, going to the shops alone, meeting new people. This then leads to anxiety attacks, which feels to me like a physical pain in my chest a tightness as though I can't breath.

Too many people still don’t realise: mental illness is real, it is a daily battle, a daily fight with yourself just to stay alive, it is not something to be brushed under the carpet and ignored. The stigma needs to end.

Read more blogs like this>

Share your story

Too many people are made to feel ashamed. By sharing your story, you can help spread knowledge and perspective about mental illness that could change the way people think about it.


Corenas story

Thank you c ! Your intelligence and compassion is amazing ! I hope you overcome all these things ! I feel exactly like you and I'm a 44 year old woman trying to fix things ! I never understood depression and panic attacks until I had them ! I keep meaning to do a blog but as you know the simple things are just hard ! Thank you so much for sharing xxx

Mental Health Stigma

Extremely brave of Carina and I admire her for having the confidence to speak out. The more this happens the better and quicker we can educate society into recognising and understanding that this is a real illness.

Depression blog

Thank you for sharing. This will be my first time sharing on a blog. You have described the effects of majior depressive disorder in your blog. Especially in the sixth paragraph. I am writting this from my bed. For the last four days I have only had the strength to pull up to go to the bathroom. The struggle is real is it not. I would very much like to help educate the public about mental health as I have first hand had experience of the ignorance of their minds. Even someone I have been friends with for fifty years has called me one flew over the cocoos nest. I have lost friendships, people I love dearly, and many more because of this disease, and I have lost what was the better part of me. I may get the weekly how are you doing phone call from a friend and other than that I am secluded from the world. I am alone and frigtened for the majiority of my days. No invitations to the lake or the beach or even to their homes. I am shrowded in darkness. I can only pray for a medical miracle. I have tried every antidepressant on the market and ect. I am very tired now. Thank you again for sharing.

Hey. I found your blog very

Hey. I found your blog very saddening to read. Firstly and mainly you have not lost the best part of you!!!! If people are going to eradicate you from their social group/activities then I don't think you really need people like that around you. I suffer with BPD and am 34, I have been on a waiting list for DBT therapy for over a year and find it excruciatingly annoying that I have had to suffer so long. If I went to hospital with a broken leg I'd be seen straight away. I've had a broken head all my life and somehow have found the strength to keep fighting my case and to be seen this week coming. Keep fighting for support and the help you need and DESERVE, best of luck with everything x

Depression video

There is a YouTube video called Faces by the channel Shoter Than Life. I contacted the guy who made it because at first it confused me. I found it on a blog for depression where someone said that the video portrayed how they felt. The filmmaker actually made this video for college. He told me his girlfriend suffered from severe depression and that he portrayed her in the video how she told him her days always went. After realizing that the film was about the "Face" we put on for the public to hide our depression, it made so much sense to me. I highly recommend watching this short rough cut of his film and maybe you can relate to it. He promised me the final version will be published soon. I can't thank him enough for trying to represent the feeling that I and so many others feel everyday we get out of bed.

Personality disorder

I'm currently in the midst of a battle with mental illness, I could say it's been a life long battle. I totally get everything that is said in the blog. That is why I'm replying. I have never been diagnosed with anything more than depression but I know what lives inside me is much more... BPD. Getting the help, yes when you get it. Great!! Or like the lost souls who dont?Not great!! I'm a ticking time bomb.. I have hurt someone to the core with this illness. For me personally it's very destructive. Getting that diagnoses though. It's been tough when I've dealt with the professionals in the past. But I'm determined to get it, because then it will break the destructive chain that has ruled me for a long long time. So supporting the pledge to get mental illness out there and recognised. I'll be first in line waving the banner.

Don't stop speaking out.

Reading this reminds me so much of myself. I have a personality disorder that, like you, makes me switch emotions so rapidly. I continue to have flashbacks from trauma, and to cope with it, I dissociate. I've never read someone's story that I connect with so much. Know you're not alone. Keep fighting. Keep speaking up and reaching out. I have no idea who you are, but I care about you and I care about what you experience daily. I wish nothing but the best for you. When you feel alone (because I know I do so often) remember that some random girl on the internet understands. That some random girl on the internet cares. Don't stop sharing your story, because I promise it makes a difference. If there's anything I've learned through my pain, it's that I need to use it for good. As you said, it's all a daily battle. It doesn't just automatically go away no matter how badly we may want it to. Because I can't make it go away, I have decided to use it for the betterment of other people.

I'm so glad you can relate in

I'm so glad you can relate in the same way as me, I always find comfort in others understanding me and being able to share my issues with people who understand like yourself. There is a Facebook group that I am on which I can always add you to? Just a little chat group around mental health really.


As a child I suffered terrible Anxiety I were quite clever at school we were put in them days in 3groups top middle and bottom.I were in top but this made no difference to how my life were to map out.I feel sad when I see people happy with nice houses and basicaly they look smartly dressed and organised. I'm glad for them but just wish I were one of those people.At school I experienced anxiety so bad I could.hardly talk at times couldn't breath let alone talk and didn't have a clue what were wrong with me. I had no help never even knew there were any. As I grew up the only solution were to avoid anything that brought it on so that were basicaly everything. I also had ocd so spent most of my time checking I had turned something off I would for some reason always do every thing in 3s so it didn't meen I checked every thing 3times it would be in multiplies by 3 so could be 9times or 27times .It took over my life and stil does and I'm 50this year so glad that things have changed and young people now can speak out and hopefully get help

What did you think of this blog? Tell us in the comments