April 15, 2014

1 in 4 people are affected by mental health.

I never thought I’d be one of those people.

I plucked up the courage to speak out, but felt humiliated  

Recently I decided to tell someone who I thought I could trust about my 6 year struggle with depression.For years I have kept it hidden from family and friends and in February 2014 finally plucked up the courage to speak out. Unfortunately this was a huge mistake. He was not supportive or understanding as I hoped he would be. I’ve never felt so humiliated and embarrassed in all my life and believe me I don’t embarrass easily.

I have now found the strength to tell my other friends

For the first time in my life I finally opened up and actually uttered the words “ I have depression.” I couldn’t believe it I had finally said it. “I have depression.” And he just stood there. Expressionless. Motionless.I don’t know what I expected. But his reaction was not reassuring or comforting. And as hurtful as that was and still pains me today I won’t let it ruin me.I did a very brave thing and I’m proud of that. And in a way it doesn’t matter now because I have now found the strength to tell my other friends and my mum and dad the true extent of my problem and they have been fantastic and very supportive.

The hardest part is because people can't see depression I feel like they don't think it's real

I know it’s difficult for someone who hasn’t experienced depression to understand how it makes me feel, but the important thing is that they listen. Sometimes all I need is a hug think people think that having depression makes you unstable and their lack of understanding about it makes it that much more difficult to deal with it. The hardest part is because people can’t see depression I feel like they don’t think it’s real. But it’s as real as the nose on my face. The affects it has on my life have been horrendous and extremely challenging but I’ve kept it very well hidden because of the stigma attached.

I'm learning how to deal with my depression

But now aged 22 I’m no longer ashamed or embarrassed to admit I am suffering from depression. And I have been suffering and still am because it affects me at any given day and I can’t stop it but I’m learning how to deal with it.  Truth be told I’ve been lying to myself for the past 6 years, convincing myself that these episodes of feeling tearful, ashamed, worthless were down to hormones and all part of growing up.

One day in 2010 I didn’t get out of bed for 4 days, I barely opened my eyes just lay there wishing I didn’t wake up the next day. As painful as it is to admit that, there have been several episodes of this, and whilst I’ve never attempted suicide, these negative feelings became so dark and controlling I knew that something was wrong and I had to see my GP. It's now 2014 and I’m in the process of having therapy sessions don’t know what to expect or what I will gain from it.

All I know is I want to live.

I do not want to be a statistic.

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