Dissociative Identity Disorder: I'm not ashamed anymore

photo of blurred hand Throughout most of my school life I was bullied for being different. I got laughed at, called names and generally didn't 'fit' in. During those years I thought everyone had alternate personalities so it didn't make sense to me that I would get picked on for it. It wasn't until my middle to late teens that I realised I was different to many people.

I suddenly started noticing that other people didn't refer to themselves as 'we' or 'us' and as I paid more attention to conversations I noticed that people were able to keep conversations flowing much more fluently than I was able to at the time. I didn't want to be laughed at any more so I tried harder to hide what went on inside the body and tried to prevent the switching over of personalities but that only made things worse and so I had to carry on knowing that I would be laughed at and get bullied.

Things did get easier once I started work, although people knew I was different, on the whole people were very accepting and as I was an extremely competent worker, for the most part, any differences about me were bypassed. The problems came to the forefront when meeting colleagues outside of the work environment. A different personality would deal with social engagements and so the differences became apparent. It was also another personality who took over the role of being a parent so, again, things got confusing for other people at times.

I always felt ashamed of myself and felt like I always had to hide

Because I always knew I was 'different', I always felt ashamed of myself and felt like I always had to hide. The effects of the bullying from the school days stayed with me for a very long time and still affect me now. I decided never to confide in anyone about my mental health problems because I didn't want anyone else to laugh at me but, one day, life became far too much for me and I realised I needed help.

I started seeing a counsellor but still hid the fact there were alternate personalities in the body for quite a while. Thankfully I had a very patient counsellor who was prepared to listen. It took a lot of courage to be able to speak out about it but I'm so glad that I did.

I didn't know there was a name for it: Dissociative Identity Disorder

I didn't know there was a name for it, Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is a survival mechanism to cope with the effects of childhood abuse. I also learnt that there were other people like me too. It helped a lot to know that I wasn't alone with this. Now, with the internet being widely available, no one needs to be alone with it anymore.

There are many sites available with people suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder supporting each other and helping to ease the loneliness. I'm so glad I spoke out.

More recently my partner asked if I had multiple personalities

More recently my partner asked if I had multiple personalities. There was a time when I would have said 'no' straight away but despite being very nervous I said ‘yes’ and he has been very accepting of it. It definitely takes some of the weight off your shoulders when you are able to share experiences of mental health problems with other people.

I'm not ashamed of suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder any more. Thankfully, with campaigns like Time to Change, I think that the stigma surrounding mental health issues is starting to decrease.