a picture of ellie with the caption: Imagine that you have lived for 39 years often feeling the  sort of upset that others may feel only  once in a lifetime.

Hi. This is me. I am 39, a primary school teacher, lesbian, mum to a Labrador and two house rabbits, hockey player, student working on an EdD, outdoorsy girl and emotional! I mention this one last because it is what I want to talk about today.

I have a diagnosis of anxiety and depression. But to me, it is more that I am emotional! I feel things hard and this can be amazing or it can be horrendous. When I am happy, which is generally the majority of the time, it is amazing. I love with all of my heart and I enjoy and appreciate what may seem like the smallest of things. Offering to make me a coffee will get an excited response or bringing me flowers totally melts my heart. I listen to every word people say and am constantly trying to think about little things I can do that, I hope, will make others smile. I have so much love to give and I willingly give it away without saving too much for myself.

Then there is the flip side. Things that others may think is not upsetting may make me tearful. Unfortunately, tears are not something I can always prevent, however hard I try. The key is to know this. Tears are not a reflection on those around me.

If you say something and I get upset, then first of all, you matter a hell of a lot to me! Secondly, I don't need you to do anything about it. I would never want you to feel bad. If you can, then sit with me at peace and wait it out. When I stop, I will be able to explain to you what has happened in my head. It is not for attention or to try to change what you are saying, in fact that is the furthest thing from what is happening in my head. I am also not going to totally lose it, in fact the tears generally help me to pull it all back together. It is water falling from my eyes that often helps me to reason things out eventually.

The confusing bit is that it may not even be something recent that has upset me. It could be my head replaying some negative feeling that I have experienced. It could be worse because I am tired or hungry. It could be a general anxiety thing about something to come... or it may be because I am worried that I have upset someone.

The fact that I cry easily and feel things strongly does not make me weak. Never make that mistake. Imagine that you have lived for 39 years often experiencing the sort of feelings of upset that others may have felt only once or twice in a lifetime.

This is not bipolar or BPD. I know this. This is me – an emotional soul. A soul that will love you unconditionally and care for you more than anything , that will seriously appreciate what you may see as the smallest of things, a soul that wishes for your happiness and will try to do anything to help to achieve it. In return, I don't need you to solve any problems for me or dry my tears even. Just understand that they will come and they will go, and being with me through them would be awesome if you could but if not just walk away and come back.

I manage much of this by taking some time out to read or walk Molly (pictured) and I can start these activities being very fed up with something because of overthinking and ending realising that I am being unreasonable or in fact totally wrong! I shut down at these times and if I am with you and doing this then I am doing it to protect you and me from the meltdown and I am so sorry if it hurts you.

At 39, this is not something that is likely to change. I am not sure that I want it to in many ways. I will take the rough with the smooth and hopefully surround myself with people that are able to cherish both aspects. If you are not able to, then I don't see this as a reflection on you in any way. I am much more likely to reflect on myself and consider what changes I can make. But at the end of the day, I will do whatever I can to make you happy if you are in my life. I can't change those intrinsic bits. They are me. If I lose the pain then I may not love and care about those around me in the same way.

This is the way my mental health effects my life and I just want to explain a little to start with. Thank you for reading.

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Comments

When I read this, I couldn't

When I read this, I couldn't quite stop a few tears from welling up in my eyes. I'm 46, male and almost exactly the same. There is nothing wrong with being a deep thinker, a deep feeler, in fact I wish more people were! Thank you for being so honest, and vulnerable. Sharing our stories only helps people understand, and helps remove the stigma from being emotional, anxious, depressed. Keep on being you!

Thank you

Thank you.... I am trying desperately to believe in that. Support helps. Thanks again.

Elli

After reading your message I think you are a beautiful person who is selfless I would be honnered to have you as my friend. God bless you

Lovely

That's just beautiful. I'm male, 45, but have always been sensitive and emotional. Just reading your post makes me well up, as I experience the same things as you. Stay proud of who you are, no need to change.

Thank you

Thank you for taking the time and having the courage to do this. I've only recently taken the step to try and get help for my anxiety and depression and this is one of the main issues I have. I have yet to try and find a way that helps, as it can be so draining at times! Sometimes I am grateful that it means I am living life 100%, with my whole heart in every situation, but an emotional day can feel like running a marathon, and that's what I find hard to deal with too. Thanks again :)

Thank you

Thank you so much for sharing this Elli, it resonates so strongly with me. You've supported me with the realisation that I don't cry because from a young age I was made to feel guilty about expressing myself by people who didn't understand. I was made to feel that in some way my tears were a burden to others that they must whitness or respond my emotion. I too, feel deeply. About everything. Reading your story was like reading about myself. I'm learning how to be kinder to myself. I'm so excited you are a teacher, shaping young minds with such understanding and self awareness. The enrichment in every life you touch is immeasurable. Recently I've struggled when told that my honesty about my mental health has made others uncomfortable, resulting in my wanting to run and hide, wondering if I will ever be taken seriously as a manager and yes some private tears. Your story reminds me why I am honest about it and why we should talk about it. Thank you, if I could I'd hug you right now I would x

I too, suffer like you.

I enjoyed reading your blog. I too, duvet from anxiety and depression. I really don't care for the stigmas that we're weak. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I see dinnertime else in pain, I cry when I read books or watch movies(they don't even have to be sappy ones either), I cry when I think of the process in my journey in life. I'm a very emotional soul too. It takes a lot out of me but breathes it back into me. It's encouraging to read your blog. You're not alone. Good luck to you in your journey. Bless you and your prefect soul. Jennifer Lynn

Amazing read

Reading this has honestly made me feel as though I am not alone in the way I react and behave to things in my life. You are a special soul, we are special. I too struggle with similar things as you have described. I unfortunately do not have the support group and it is making my life a living hell.. I just now requested time off work to work on myself and I am trying to be optimistic that it will go as well as I hope. I have never gone to seek help before but Monday morning (It is now Friday 5pm), I will be going to the doctors to get a doctors note and to hopefully be referred by the company i work for to some counselling. If I cannot find those people in my life, then maybe counselling will help me... I wish you the best with everything that you do! I love your positivity. It was a good read, and has totally helped with my current mission.

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