It is hard to be suicidal when you have a full time job, a four year old and a husband who adores you.
It is difficult to accept you are feeling suicidal when you have your son’s arms wrapped around you, work is going well and your husband is singing funny songs to make you both laugh.
It is a struggle to even accept you are wading through suicidal thoughts, while watching your four year old practice for a mother’s day assembly, where he will be singing 'Supermum' at top volume, while giving you the best jazz hands you have seen this side of 1999.
But I am.
Some days are better than others.
Some days will be better than others.
I cannot admit this on Facebook, but I can here.
I can stand in front of my husband and smile and wink, I can throw my head back and let the laughter escape, it isn't forced, I need you to understand that.
I am happy.
It is hard to be severely depressed when the world is continuing on, half carrying, half dragging you with it.
Cars drive, the sun shines, people update Facebook, cleaners clean, the phone rings.
My therapist wants to know when he can see me again.
It’s been a while now since I was hospitalised, almost 2 years since the last time.
I have been seeing James consistently since.
Each week I duly pack my troubles in to an old tin bag and head off to his safe place, to unburden my soul and a lot of the time, talk crap.
The talking crap part has increased recently, so has my medication.
‘No more sessions. I will send you a goodbye poem, enough.’
I need to step out on my own two feet.
I need to stop talking and start shuffling the cards myself.
Every day is a gamble.
Will I only feel happy?
It is hard to feel suicidal when you’re at a parents evening and you also feel proud.
But I do.
That isn’t and will never be my Facebook status.
It is hard to accept wanting to disappear in to the thin of the air when you think about the future.
Right now my life is in my own hands.
My brain is being a bitch.
It isn't always like this.
Some days are harder than others.
I am thankful I can be honest with people who matter, in places like this, where it is safe.
Thank you Time to Change.
This isn’t Facebook.
Find Lexy on Twitter @mammywoo.