July 2, 2015

blogger Lexy

It is hard to be suicidal when you have a full time job, a four year old and a husband who adores you.

It is difficult to accept you are feeling suicidal when you have your son’s arms wrapped around you, work is going well and your husband is singing funny songs to make you both laugh.

It is a struggle to even accept you are wading through suicidal thoughts, while watching your four year old practice for a mother’s day assembly, where he will be singing 'Supermum' at top volume, while giving you the best jazz hands you have seen this side of 1999.

But I am.

Some days are better than others.

Some days will be better than others. 

I cannot admit this on Facebook, but I can here. 

I can stand in front of my husband and smile and wink, I can throw my head back and let the laughter escape, it isn't forced, I need you to understand that.

am happy.

It is hard to be severely depressed when the world is continuing on, half carrying, half dragging you with it.

Cars drive, the sun shines, people update Facebook, cleaners clean, the phone rings.

‘Hello?’

My therapist wants to know when he can see me again.

It’s been a while now since I was hospitalised, almost 2 years since the last time.

I have been seeing James consistently since.

Each week I duly pack my troubles in to an old tin bag and head off to his safe place, to unburden my soul and a lot of the time, talk crap.

The talking crap part has increased recently, so has my medication.

‘No more sessions. I will send you a goodbye poem, enough.’

I need to step out on my own two feet.

I need to stop talking and start shuffling the cards myself.

Every day is a gamble.

Will I only feel happy?

It is hard to feel suicidal when you’re at a parents evening and you also feel proud.

But I do. 

That isn’t and will never be my Facebook status. 

It is hard to accept wanting to disappear in to the thin of the air when you think about the future.

Right now my life is in my own hands.

My brain is being a bitch.

It isn't always like this.

Some days are harder than others.

I am thankful I can be honest with people who matter, in places like this, where it is safe. 

Thank you Time to Change.

This isn’t Facebook. 

Find Lexy on Twitter @mammywoo.

What's your top tip for living with a mental illness? What do you think of Lexy's blog?

Comment below or sign our pledge wall to show your support and find out how talking tackles mental health discrimination.

Share your story

Too many people are made to feel ashamed. By sharing your story, you can help spread knowledge and perspective about mental illness that could change the way people think about it.

Comments

Lexy's blog

Wow such a powerful piece of writing that brought tears to my eyes. I feel exactly like this at times but don't express it out loud. Yes I tell my therapist I am having suicidal thoughts but I haven't expressed the battle of thoughts and confusion I have. It was Incredible to read someone else has the same thought process as me, as if someone had read my mind and written it down. Thank you Lexy for your strength to write this. Perhaps I should now be more honest and brave in my thought diary rather than concentrating on just working through cbt skills associated with thought records.

Today mine is too

Gosh your blog is just what I need today, it's almost as if you wrote it for me... Today I am feeling I want it all to end, today my brain is being a bitch and I hate to hear it, but I have no choice. And when deep down you know it isn't you, it's hard to listen to what it is saying. My psychiatrist told me that when you have suffered a bad attack, it takes about 2/3 months to settle. I am now in my seventh month and it's raring away at full speed, triggered by various things. I can get about two days grace at the moment between all the mini attacks I am having before I hit the ceiling again and come crashing down. The only thing keeping me alive right now is piles of medication and movies. I have to remind myself of what it was like on the otherside, seven months ago before this attack, so that I can believe that things will get better, but right now it doesn't feel that way. I never use facebook to say what is going on, I never tell friends and family what I am going through. This is the only safe place in the world right now An Absolute Thankyou Time to Change and to you Lexy Lots of love xxx

Thank you

Thank you so much for being honest about your experiences. They echo mine. This is my first every comment on someone's blog. I just wanted to express that you are not alone

What did you think of this blog? Tell us in the comments