At a dinner at a good friends house the other night, I overheard one of the other guests in conversation with the host. ‘I know loads of people who take anti-depressants’, she said. ‘My dad takes them too and do you know what, I just don’t get it. It’s not like these people haven’t got anything to feel blessed about. It’s about gratitude. They need to stop wallowing and be grateful for what they have – some people have nothing. Having some gratitude would definitely make them feel better’.
This exchange got me thinking. If I had MS, or heart problems, or even a broken leg, would there be someone out there thinking that gratitude would probably make me feel better? I doubt it. Would I be considered selfish or even ridiculous if I wasn’t ‘thinking myself lucky’ that things weren’t much worse? How is it that if your brain isn’t working in quite the way it ‘should’ (and I say ‘should’ very loosely…), you should be able to ‘think’ yourself better? That counting your blessings should ‘fix’ your illness and make you see the world through very different eyes?
I know that that particular dinner guest is not the only person to think that way about mental health problems, depression in particular. I certainly come across them. A lot. So, in a bid to clear up some myths, I thought I’d write about my experiences – good and bad.
Myth #1: People struggling with depression are really miserable. All the time.
Depression isn’t about being miserable. Or sad. It’s about feeling empty, hopeless and at times, ill-equipped to cope with, well, life. For me, on the days when my depression is particularly bad, it hurts to even breathe (and yes, I do mean physically). When it’s bad, I wish I’d never woken up, because the thought of taking on yet another day feels like too much. To put it mildly, I really struggle to even get out of bed. I take no joy in life and question my very existence. But, not every day is like that. And if a day starts like that, it doesn’t always finish like that. Sometimes I have good days, or even parts of days. Days or hours or minutes where I have a great time, loads of fun and yes, even laugh and smile!
Myth #2: People struggling with depression are weak and ‘wallow’ in it.
This one really grinds my gears! As a single mum of two teenagers, with a mortgage to pay, a house and family to run and a demanding full-time job working with even more teenagers, ‘wallowing’ is really not an option, believe me. Someone very wise once reminded me; ‘A day is only ever 24 hours long, Michelle’. So I carry on. Because tomorrow might be better. I’m pretty sure resilience is now one of my key skills. And I’m not the only one. With 1 in 4 people in the UK suffering with mental illness, there must be an awful lot of resilience out there.
Myth #3: There are no positives in depression.
They can be difficult to see and appreciate sometimes, admittedly. But there are some. I work in a role where empathy and understanding are vital and I truly believe that my own experiences with (at times) poor mental health have enabled me to be better at my job. Much better. I also think they’ve made me stronger, less likely to give in. I also think (hope!) that I’ve become a humbler, better person – less judgmental of others and more likely to consider people’s own journeys before rushing to make assumptions about them.
Myth #4: It’s difficult to know what to say to someone struggling with depression.
It really isn’t. Honestly. A kind word goes a very long way in what can be an incredibly lonely struggle. Just asking someone if they’re ok and really listening to the answer is good. Asking someone to have a cuppa with you, popping round to see someone for a chat, making a real-life phone call to have a chat instead of texting, all small things that make a huge difference.
However, it is possible to say things that are very likely to rub people like me up the wrong way. Here are just a few of my ‘favourites’:
- You don’t look depressed… Really? Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realise there was a uniform.
- But what’s happened to make you so depressed? Something must have happened… Um….no. Not really. It’s part of being unwell…..Sometimes, it really does just happen.
- Have you considered making changes to your life? Y’know, to make you happier…. Wow, that’s one I’ve never thought about... But as it’s a struggle to get out of bed and take part in everyday life at times, wholesale changes of my life are not really on the cards.
And that old favourite…..
- There are a lot of people who are in a much worse position than you. Maybe you need to start feeling grateful for what you do have….? So what?! Is it a competition?! And no, a little dose of gratitude will not fix my poorly brain.
So that’s it really. That’s me hopefully dispelling a few myths. There are a lot of people who experience depression, and largely they’re trying hard to get on with life. You’re very likely to know some. It’s a real thing, it really is. Please be kind.
