After a year long battle with myself I finally knew it was time to get help. I had been feeling anxious for around a year although I knew it wasn't right. It wasn't right to be happy as Larry one minute to turn within a split second and be in a vile mood and shut myself off and not want to talk to anyone.
The reason I didn't want to seek help was because I thought I was being stupid and that it was just teenage mood swings, but as time progressed I knew it wasn't just a teenage mood swing. So about 3 weeks ago I went to my learning coach at college who referred me to a counsellor who is currently helping me with strategies and helping me to help myself.
Sometimes I think the worst
I always ask myself 'what if this happens?' 'what if that happens?' 'how can I stop it from happening?'. In reality none of the stuff I think is likely to happen, some things may happen but I can't dwell on the future, I have to live day by day.
If my mum is late home from work I think the worst and worry she's been in a car crash I frantically ring her, when she doesn't answer because she's driving I panic. When my dad isn't at home I sometimes think he's committed suicide.
I also don't like going out by myself to town etc. Nor do I like walking round college by myself. I don't like being in big crowds when I'm alone, I feel panicky and as if they're going to do some thing or say something to me. This prevents me going out to see friends and so as a result I've lost contact with what were some very close friends. I get scared of arranging things because I don't know if I'll be having a good day or bad day.If it's a bad day then I just like coming home getting in my onesie getting into bed and going to sleep.
Most of all I panic about losing my boyfriend. I'm petrified of the day he could turn round and leave me. He's the closest person to me, and we're more like best friends than we are boyfriend and girlfriend. I repeatedly think about it. So much so that it effects my daily life.
I have a book where I write down what I'm feeling
I have tried to tackle my anxiety by myself, which has helped to an extent. I have a book, where I write down what I'm feeling, this is so I've got it out of my head. In my book I tackle one thought at a time. I then ask myself questions like 'Is it likely to happen? And how is worrying helping me?'.
Once I've answered these questions I close my book, go grab a cuppa and sit down with my family. An hour or so later I'll go back to my book read through it and some how I feel 100 times better.
Now I have got help I can control my worries
My boyfriend is my rock. He's always there for me no matter what time, or what it's about he'll always tell me '' It's okay, it'll go away, we can get through it''. I'm so grateful for what he's doing for me, I couldn't wish for someone better to help me through it.
I also have two of my closest friends always listening to me and always reassuring me that whatever I'm thinking isn't going to happen. I still haven't told my family as I'm still scared of what they'll think, I will eventually tell them, but when the time is right.
All I can say is that I hope that now I have got help I can control my worries. And that I'm so grateful for my boyfriend and my friends for constantly reassuring me and being there for me.