I knew I needed help but it made me feel like a burden

amy Depression... it just eats you up from the inside out. It’s like a monster inside your head that takes over. The worst thing was to know that my family and friends were doing all they could yet I still felt so lonely. Millions of bad thoughts telling me, ‘you are worthless and have nothing to live for... no one will miss you when you’re gone’. Anything that was said to me, I managed to turn into a bad thing. I literally was my own worst enemy.

I would just sleep to block it all out

I would come home and feel exhausted from all of the voices. I would just sleep to block it all out. I didn’t want to wake up because living was a nightmare. I felt sick with the fear of night-time because that’s when the voices got louder. I would get so frustrated because it seemed impossible to sleep as if insomnia and depression go hand in hand. Sometimes I couldn’t take it anymore and the only way out was to hurt myself. I knew I needed help but it just made me feel like a burden.

I just wanted to be free of meds, doctors, counsellors, hospitals and bad thoughts. I felt as if I had lost myself and wouldn’t ever be the same again. I had no motivation to do anything because I had the inability to see a future for myself. Anxiety caused me to believe everyone was faking their love for me.

I just wanted everyone to know how I felt but I wouldn't dare tell them

‘Cheer up’ was the worst thing anyone said to me. Those two words triggered thousands of thoughts, literally beating myself up for not hiding it well enough. I just wanted everyone to know how I felt but I wouldn’t dare tell them. Eventually I just isolated myself in my room because no contact with people meant nothing could go wrong, surely?

It’s really sad to think that the only wish I have to this day is to be rid of anti-depressants and not be dependent on medication. I am grateful to have medication that stopped me from taking my own life and put life back into perspective. That is my wish and I will fear that day until it comes because there is always that chance of relapse.

I have learnt to change my thought processes and stop bullying myself

The scariest thing about my whole recovery process is that the only person who can truly help me is myself. I have learnt to change my thought processes and stop bullying myself, which is a habit that has proven hard to break, but progress has certainly been made! 2013 has been a rollercoaster ride, admittedly with more lows! I have quite literally been to hell and back but would I change what I have been through? If I was to be totally honest I don’t think I would. That doesn’t mean that depression is a good thing because it definitely isn’t, but you must turn your negative experiences into positive ones. If I didn’t go through what I have this year I wouldn’t have learnt that the most important thing in life is to be happy. I have now received all of my university offers to study Football Business and I can now see a future; a career in something that I love, something that will make ME happy regardless of other people’s opinions.

If I was to give one piece of advice for fellow sufferers, it would be to not suffer in silence. There are people out there who have been through everything that you are experiencing and have come out the other side. In fact their experiences have made them who they are today. It may seem impossible to overcome but believe me, it is possible! If you ever feel guilty, then you need to review the definition of illness because it isn’t anymore self centred than having a broken leg. I was always told to show myself the same respect and concern you would show to any other patient because we are so accepting of any part of our body breaking down other than our brains and that is pure ignorance. And that ignorance has caused a world that doesn’t understand depression... that doesn’t understand mental health.