December 2, 2016

 The confident and vibrant girl that I once was became no more. I fell into the trap of depression that seemed to have hit me overnight. I would usually be the one that always hid in the bathroom crying my eyes out and then wipe my own tears away only to walk out those doors like I have it all together. The young fifteen year old girl that I was at the time was drowned with anxiety, fear and a lack of something unknown. I was overwhelmed with the world and fell into exhaustion trying to act like I have it all together. The truth was that I was tired. Tired of trying to live like a "normal person", afraid that if I would be judged if I was honest about my feelings. I became sick of the fears that I had in my head, the ones that my mind was feeding me without any evidence.

In a room full of extroverts I felt like something was wrong with me. I would do nothing but question myself, asking: why am I feeling so nervous? Why do I always feel like everyone is watching and judging me? I always felt anxious whenever I spoke to someone, thinking they were out to get me.

I would avoid as many social situations and family events as much as possible because interacting with other people made me feel sick. My bedroom became my safe haven but depression seemed to have invited itself over the more I hid away. Graduating from school and moving on to college, life couldn't possibly get any worse. I enjoyed most of my classes but I always found it difficult to make and keep friendships. Lunchtimes became hours of loneliness spending it all by myself.

It's not that I didn't speak to anyone, but I was an awkward human being. Whenever someone from my class would ask if I wanted to sit with them and their group of friends for lunch, I would always come up with a thousand reasons why I couldn't and would then dismiss myself. The truth was that I wanted to have friends and have lots of them. I didn't know how to speak to people because I would run from it at any given time. I hated awkward situations though I was probably the main source of them. I also hate eating in front of people and if boys were in the group that would make it ten times more difficult for me.

Other people saw me as the 'shy girl' and always questioned why I was nervous or hid away, keeping to myself all the time. I couldn't be bothered to explain myself because the more I tried to, the more I felt like they still didn't fully understand. They only say "don't be shy, we won't bite" but for someone that has gone so many years constantly feeling anxious, it's not that easy to get over.

Today I write my own blog documenting my journey in the hopes that it can help someone else. I enjoy writing and it seems to me as a bold move. A bold move to write and let it be known on the web. It works for me but maybe not for everyone else and I'm ok with that. Creating a blog is a corner that I enjoy writing on, sharing my journey in the hopes to help others is something I will always be proud of.

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Comments

This is so brave. I can't

This is so brave. I can't manage to do what you're doing yet but you're inspiring me. Thank you.

Very Brave

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Kudos

I'm in the thick of it right now, but I am starting to understand that I can do something to help myself through to the other side of it. Reading about personal stories of depression and allowing myself to feel all of my feelings, instead of just push them aside is helping. I'm on day 3 of helping myself. Hoping I can continue on this path. Thanks for telling your story.

Strong

You are a strong person since you were able to hide what you truly feel for some reason (it is either you don't want anyone to worry about you or you don't want anyone to lose hope). It is so very inspiring.

Bold

Tashia, you are stronger than you know. By writing this blog I'm sure you've made the first step to combating your depression. I think its marvelous because you taking the time to jot down what makes you anxious and depressed, you'll be able to tackle these problems one step at a time. Even better people can leave comments to encourage you even more, and that is amazing! I wish you the best Tashia and thank you for sharing your story.

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