December 2, 2016

 The confident and vibrant girl that I once was became no more. I fell into the trap of depression that seemed to have hit me overnight. I would usually be the one that always hid in the bathroom crying my eyes out and then wipe my own tears away only to walk out those doors like I have it all together. The young fifteen year old girl that I was at the time was drowned with anxiety, fear and a lack of something unknown. I was overwhelmed with the world and fell into exhaustion trying to act like I have it all together. The truth was that I was tired. Tired of trying to live like a "normal person", afraid that if I would be judged if I was honest about my feelings. I became sick of the fears that I had in my head, the ones that my mind was feeding me without any evidence.

In a room full of extroverts I felt like something was wrong with me. I would do nothing but question myself, asking: why am I feeling so nervous? Why do I always feel like everyone is watching and judging me? I always felt anxious whenever I spoke to someone, thinking they were out to get me.

I would avoid as many social situations and family events as much as possible because interacting with other people made me feel sick. My bedroom became my safe haven but depression seemed to have invited itself over the more I hid away. Graduating from school and moving on to college, life couldn't possibly get any worse. I enjoyed most of my classes but I always found it difficult to make and keep friendships. Lunchtimes became hours of loneliness spending it all by myself.

It's not that I didn't speak to anyone, but I was an awkward human being. Whenever someone from my class would ask if I wanted to sit with them and their group of friends for lunch, I would always come up with a thousand reasons why I couldn't and would then dismiss myself. The truth was that I wanted to have friends and have lots of them. I didn't know how to speak to people because I would run from it at any given time. I hated awkward situations though I was probably the main source of them. I also hate eating in front of people and if boys were in the group that would make it ten times more difficult for me.

Other people saw me as the 'shy girl' and always questioned why I was nervous or hid away, keeping to myself all the time. I couldn't be bothered to explain myself because the more I tried to, the more I felt like they still didn't fully understand. They only say "don't be shy, we won't bite" but for someone that has gone so many years constantly feeling anxious, it's not that easy to get over.

Today I write my own blog documenting my journey in the hopes that it can help someone else. I enjoy writing and it seems to me as a bold move. A bold move to write and let it be known on the web. It works for me but maybe not for everyone else and I'm ok with that. Creating a blog is a corner that I enjoy writing on, sharing my journey in the hopes to help others is something I will always be proud of.

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