September 5, 2013

EmmaI have been living with mental health problems since I was 15. I have a voice in my head that talks to me every day. It doesn’t tell me what to do but does talk to me about life in general. It scares me. The only way to get rid of it is to listen to music.

I also have a figure that I see. His name is Ryan. He told me his name one day while I was walking around the house. Some people say I have a spirit guide. Some people say I am ill. Whatever you’re interpretation is that’s up to you. I believe in both I guess. I have never gotten my head around being ill. Even after being under the Early Interventions Team for nearly three years. I am on tablets that keep my anxiety at bay. I do still have panic attacks but not as often as I ever did.

I have delusions about death. I can’t control them, they appear in my mind’s eye. I normally have delusions about falling off something and smashing my head open. That one occurs a lot.

Day to day life is hard but I have become strong. I listen to the voice most days, just through sheer routine I answer. I find it hard to see the figure, he haunts me, something in the illness I can’t deal with.

I have recently started dating again. I found it hard to tell him I had psychosis. It wasn’t easy but I showed him who I was at first then after a few weeks I came out with it. He just took me for who I am, which was a relief. I’ve never had anyone take me for who I am in a relationship sense. They have always wanted me to be something I can’t be, someone I’m not.

I have experienced discrimination in work many times. They think that I am too young to be living with a mental health problem, though I am very afraid to tell anyone I have psychosis. I have not told anyone this (except my boss because I find it hard to get out of the house).

I am worried about what people would say if they found out I had a mental illness. It’s hard because no one talks about these sorts of things at all. They ask me how I am, of course. I just say I’m fine. I suppose it’s my own fault not being open with them in the first place, though I have been advised not to talk about it and publicise it.

It’s nice to read all these blogs on Time To Change. It lets me know that I’m not alone in this world. I have been told I will live with my illness for the rest of my life sadly but, for most people, you can recover and I hope people do. Thank you for taking time to read this.

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