The inspiration for my blog is my late grandmother. She was just the perfect mother and grandmother, and if I can give my children half of what she gave me; I will be happy (although I am sure I will have many a moment of self-doubt, self-loathing and guilt along the way).

She supported me through many a troubled time, and when the crushing cloak of depression landed; it would be to her that I would flee to hide from the world for an hour or two. When I was in her home, it was like a metaphorical womb and the one place where I felt totally accepted warts and all. I was able to tell her when I was feeling low, and she would accept and not question what I was saying (well not often anyway).

As Stephen Fry recently said in an interview on the radio…Never ask a person suffering with depression “why”…and yet in my experience, understandably perhaps, it is the first thing people say “but why” or “What is making you feel like this.” My poor husband got very short shrift from me the other day, when I had had a really bad day (in mental health terms) at work. He asked me “why, what brought it on.” I felt so misunderstood, and judged and found to be wanting, as there was no big tragedy; no awful incident.  No…my brain had just shifted into its overwhelmed and depressed gear, leaving me feeling exposed and vulnerable in front of all my colleagues. I think that is the true definition of a mother…that one person who accepts you for who you really are. I know that not everyone is blessed with this gift, but a loving, accepting mother, really has to be the greatest jewel of all. Not having this gift, almost without exception leaves a gaping hole in the fabric of our lives.

This is a poem inspired by my grandmother:

Dear Nanny…
Thank you so much for your precious gifts of love, patience and understanding
Thank you for your guarantee of time and a listening ear that allowed us ourselves, and heard so many of our hopes and fears
A safe harbour in the unpredictable storms of life
 You saw the best in us all and always had so much to give.
 Your warmth and grace will never be forgotten Nanny, and will live forever in a special place in our hearts.
So soft and gentle, but equally reliable and strong, you were the one we could all lean on….and the one we all did. A life without you was never imagined.
Now feels like the end of a very special era. Our scaffolding has been removed and life will never be the same again.
The backbone of our family, you loved us all….and that love was a precious gift that we will hold in our hearts forever. As we say goodbye to you today, and our loss feels too heavy to bear….we will learn to take comfort from our memories. In that way you will always be with us.
A grandmother is always special, but we were extra lucky to have had you for ours. No template could have been more perfect.

The irony is that my dear grandmother lost her own mother at the tender age of 17, and so never experienced the guidance, love and support that so many of us take for granted. My relationship with my own mother had been quite troubled for many reasons, but we came together when Nanny became ill, and are now blessed with an understanding that has overcome the hurts and troubles of the past. My own mother also suffers with depression, and experienced all the struggles common to all of us.

My own first episode of severe depression struck me down when my son was just 10 months old. Afterwards, I realised that I had become unwell months earlier, but had tried to battle my way through and pretend it wasn’t happening. When I finally cracked, and visited my Gp; it was such a relief to talk to someone about what I was feeling. All around me, other mothers seemed to coping so well; and it was so hard to talk about what I was experiencing at a time in my life when I felt that I had no right to feel that way. I had been blessed with a beautiful son, how unfair was it; that the world should feel so black and every smile so forced.

My beautiful child, my perfect creation
How can I be sad when I have you
My head tells me
I have it all and
Have no cause for despair.
My heart however, dosen’t listen;
And feels heavy and full of care

Hiding my tears, I give
What I can.
Broken inside, still I
Plough on. My darling child, no
Suffering do I want for you.
Loneliness my biggest enemy
To nobody can I turn

What mother feels as I do
How can I hold my head up high
When my smile is a lie
To whom can I tell my terrible secret.
The one too heavy to bear
Injustice a constant companion
That constantly I seek to repair

One in 10 new mothers experience the tragedy of postnatal depression, and often feel that they cannot talk to anyone because of the stigma that sadly continues to surround mental health issues. The time to change message is vital to improve this situation, and help vulnerable new mothers feel able to seek the help they so desperately need; so they can enjoy the precious gift of motherhood; and in doing so - give their child the memories which will influence their own life experience - and so the cycle of life continues.

To all those of us that are mothers, and have mothers; and whose family life has been touched by depression and the stigma surrounding it: Happy Mothers Day

It’s time to change.