October 30, 2013

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Schizotypal Personality Disorder (StPD), Depression and Agoraphobia, so a bit of a list there. It’s a struggle knowing where one conditions begins and another ends. I don’t feel like I have a “normal” day and if I have, at any point, a “normal moment” I try and hold on to it for dear life but everything changes so quickly.

I was diagnosed with Depression at 13, BPD at 20, StPD at 23 and Agoraphobia at 26 and one of the biggest problems I’ve found is who I can talk to about my mental health. I find that people become awkward when I mention it and, if they’re not, then I may be feeling paranoid or having delusions or more likely I’m feeling so uncomfortable in a social situation so that I clam up completely.

Looking back, almost all of the symptoms of my conditions started when I was at school. I’d find myself uncomfortable in classes of about 30 other people (Agoraphobia). I’d feel sad and down and suicidal almost all the time and my emotions became more intense as time grew on and I started having delusions, such as being convinced I could walk through walls or that I could read people’s minds amongst other things. This made school (and work since then) difficult (but not impossible) and because I knew very little about mental health issues I didn’t even realise what was happening to me and when it did start to sink in I didn’t say anything to anyone. I felt out of place already and telling anyone would make that worse.

My family have been the ones who have taken all of this the hardest and because of this I can’t talk to them. They choose to ignore it and, when my mental health is brought up, they say the nastiest of things. Well, to me that’s what they are. Things such as "I wouldn’t trust my kids with someone with mental health problems” despite me never so much as hurting a fly and during a time where I self-harmed they would tell me that they’d harm themselves to show me what it’s like for them. I try and explain my conditions to them but explaining it to them or anyone else can be difficult for me. I get what can be called a “word salad” where I end up choosing words in a sentence that don’t fit the intended use of what I’m trying to say and people struggle to understand. I don’t always know how to make the words fit properly. But I keep trying as I believe informing people of what mental health really is will reduce the stigma attached to it over time.

I still experience all of these things but I’m trying to move on from them. As for the delusions and hallucinations that I experience, inside I still believe them to be real but I’m trying to put those beliefs to one side to try and have a happy life. I don’t believe they’ll ever truly go away but I intend to keep trying anyway.

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Comments

Hi there,

Hi there, My name is Branden, I have been suffering from depression over the past five years I have never experienced such lows ever where I battle even getting out of bed in the morning.. I have been in a program before and benefited from it... Over the last few weeks things just feel so wrong, I am even thinking of suicide, I just feel like its the best thing for me to do.. I just thought I should give blogging a chance and see if other people know where I am coming from as my family don't understand me, we just go around in circles... I have recently relocated and I know no one in my area.. I have no one to convers with and I have shut myself out from the rest of the world as I am so afraid of people judging me... I have been diagnosed with BorderLine Personality Disorder and wow I feel like the whole world won't accept me..... I am seeing a therapist but I just need to convers with people who understand where I am coming from.. I don't feel sorry for myself as I know I can get through this I'm just lonely I guess

I feel your pain

Branden, I know that you posted this a year ago but I hope that people can still benefit from my comment some how. I've been in a very dark place multiple times throughout my life. I've even been close to suicide, thinking and believing that life could not get any better, and I wanted to escape the pain and embarrassment that I felt over my mental illness. In my mid 20's I was diagnosed with PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and depressive disorder. Just recently, after my first really bad delusional episodes, I was also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I grew up around a mother with schizophrenia. I am no stranger to mental disorders. I think the hardest parts are having to live with a disorder, admitting to having the disorder, understanding the disorder, and treating the disorder properly. None of this is easy, but if treated properly, with the right support, living with a disorder can get easier. When I'm feeling at my lowest, or if I'm just feeling really weird, I try to reach out. Typically, I can reach out to a friend. If i don't feel comfortable talking to a friend, then I talk to one of my mental health providers. If they are unavailable, then I find a support number to call. Last resort is calling the emergency room. When I was suicidal, I hated hearing people say that I had so much to live for, when at that point I was pretty sure this wasn't true for me. The most important part of this is that I kept reaching out for help, even though it didn't seem like I could be fixed. It took time, pain, and suffering, but through it all I survived and I'm still here. I know that everyone has gone through a unique set of experiences in life but each of us has something in common. I hope that in times of trouble you are able to find your strength to continue trying, and to reach out when the load gets too heavy. Lots of love.

Talking groups

Hello, Do you attend any talking groups or support, through a wellness practitioner/mental health teams, in your local area. This could support you to understand your diagnosis better, and give you strategies for coping when you fell unwell. Things like a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) can help.

Dental Phobia

Hi All, Ive written my latest post about my fear of the dentist and how I bit the bullet and overcame it today. I hadn't been in 5 years! Please have a look :) http://frommymindtoyourthoughts.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/facing-your-fears.html

In a similar boat

I don't know how you tell anybody about it. I have Boarderline and Massive Depressive Disorder and Anixety and I am an addict. The few people who know are the people who figured it out because I could not hide it from them. Namely my wife, we have separated since. I try to work things out with her sometimes. To explain what I am feeling and thinking and get the word salad also. I say things like I am crazy cause it is to painful if someone else says it. At least when I say it I know it is coming and sometimes I get a laugh out of it. Being "real" whatever that means in difficult. Since my wife kicked me out I realized that I had never been truly alone in my life. I had no idea who I was I was supposed to be. I had always read signals from others and tried to give them I thought they wanted or needed. Now I sit in an empty apartment feeling hopeless daily cause I don't have a passion or desire for anything. I feel like I have spent my whole life being who other people wanted me to be that a I never found out who I was. I think you are so brave to tell anyone about your "list" I did it for the first time today on the telephone to my wife (hoping to reconcile). She just did not know what to say or do. I can't imagine going through that again. I have been sick to my stomach all day because of it. All I really want to do is get through a normal day without losing control of some aspect of my life.

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