My best friend and I had a running joke that we would moan about things - it started off little things but gradually I noticed the moans got more frequent and less jokey. At one point I read over our messages and noticed that she only said negative things. I was concerned and brought it up with her; she was not aware she was being so negative and insisted she was fine.
My friend is going through a very difficult time
A few months later I got a distressed phone call saying she could not get out of bed. She was not able to express herself clearly and I did not know what to do from a distance. A couple of days later she managed to get to the doctors and she was diagnosed with depression.
Since being diagnosed, she has become progressively worse. She has become suicidal, been sectioned, has regular dissociative periods and has lost everything positive in her life. Although she has sought help, she has been consistently let down by the services she has encountered and her condition continues to deteriorate.
I will never stop loving and supporting my friend
As her best friend, I have been supporting her throughout everything. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done and had no idea how stressful it would be, yet I know I will never stop loving her and supporting her.
Her depression has thrown major obstacles at our friendship, including her pushing me away, revealing a double life, losing all aspects of a normal friendship, relentless hopelessness, resentment and anger directed at me, as well as all the stress related to her attempts to take her own.
I do not for one second regret my decision to support my friend
I have often felt lost and had no idea what I should do, or why I am putting up with it. I have wanted to walk away many times when the situation has become unbearable or I can’t face the guilt of not being able to make her better. I have felt reluctant to voice the pressure I have been under and I have also felt guilty over some of the thoughts I have had. I know her emotions and behaviours are due to her illness but it does not stop the hurt. Normally when faced with negative and sometimes aggressive situations, you would leave and distance yourself from that person, however with depression it’s the opposite and I have had to learn how to handle this and still be able to stick around and support her.
Although it is challenging, I refuse to give up on my friend. I do not for one second regret my decision to support her through her struggles and I hope one day she will beat her depression.
Mu tweets at @mumoody.