Natalie, July 30, 2019

"It's ok not to know the answers, but just being there is so important."

Having a personality disorder is not fun or smart. In fact, some days I wish I would wake up and it would just be gone - I would be me again without all these thoughts and emotions. 

My journey has been a long painful one. I’ve never been close to my family and I got burned by too many friends to keep them - so it was just me most of my life.

I was harming myself, hysterical, confused and pushing people away. My best friend was the one who saved me, he’s the reason why I’m alive today. Because without him I wouldn’t have gone to A&E, I wouldn’t have gotten help, I wouldn’t have gotten my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD).

I think everything good in my life goes eventually and it’s my fault. On some level I also know it’s not me talking, it’s my BPD - but there are some days when I have no idea who is talking anymore and it’s scary. Every day is a struggle with my BPD but having my best friend there supporting me, even when my mood is vile, is helpful. He’s still there having my back, telling me he will never leave me, but I never believe him. 

He's always there day or night when my moods get worse or my dark cloud comes over my head. He's there both when I'm stable and unstable. He is at the end of a phone or a text and listens to me and reassures me that I'm never going to lose him, and that he will always be there for me even when I don't believe him, which is most of the time. He just listens to my pain and for me that is what I need - I just need someone to listen to me. He also makes me feel very safe, and for me with BPD, just having someone who does that for me means the world, because everyone else in my life has walked away from me since I have been diagnosed.

If you are supporting someone with BPD, I would say be patient, have a good listening ear, and keep reassuring them. We are not always easy and having a personality disorder is really hard on us - so having people around us who don't run away when things get hard is so important. We might not believe you when we're going through a manic mood swing or when the black cloud comes over us or when we're not stable - but when we are stable, for ever long or short that may be, the kind reassuring words stick.

It's ok not to know the answers, but just being there is so important - for many people with BPD, trusting people is hard. You may find it intense but we have so much love to give and if we choose to give it to you, it's a massive deal.

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