January 6, 2014

I have for many years struggled with anxiety and depression. I'm in no doubt now that this is due to a very traumatic childhood. I am not complaining about this as this is a fact of life for many people.

I lost my father at about 11 years old and my mam re-married rather quickly to a very violent man. As I was growing up my mam was very fragile and consequently over the years I developed post traumatic stress disorder but this was not picked up on until very recently.

At the time, I was also unable to do a full time physical job in a shipyard or the steelworks like I used to do and I was in considerable pain but could not prove it at that time. I had suffered many back problems including two slipped disks, spina bifida occulta, curvature of the spine, none of which have been picked up by the local hospital until recently.

I became quite isolated and went along to my local Mind to see if there were any groups I could join. I was dreadfully lonely and it was nice to have support from people who cared and didn't shun me because I was quiet.

Nobody judged

I was invited to come along to help at a drop-in centre for adults two days a week and then later on to a youth group as I was a natural comedian. I found it very easy to get along with both groups and started working as a volunteer four days a week. I loved it. No one judged me and every one felt safe to talk with each other because we all had similar Issues.

On one occasion I was asked if I would go along to a coffee morning at a local venue that did snacks and drinks in the centre of town. The idea was to man a table where we had a stall, there were lots of posters and leaflets and other information about Mind, mental health and also a raffle to try to raise funds for our local group. After about two hours of standing there behind the stall no one had paid the slightest interest. No one had come over to chat to us, no leaflets were taken and the only person that ventured up asked me what day the wrestling was starting in the hall. My Development Officer said to me, you’re an approachable kind of person, why don't you go around to some of the tables where people were drinking there coffee and asked if they would like a leaflet.

Great idea, I thought rather gullibly. So off I went with a handful of leaflets and with high hopes. As I approached the tables I noticed a distinct lack of eye contact from people whose tables I went to. In fact some of the people actually turned their backs as I approached. At the last table, I thought, "OK stay positive" and, with a happy smiling face, said, “Hello My name is Stephen, I don't know if you have noticed but we are holding a campaign today for Mind, it is a charity that helps promote mental health awareness and I wonder if you had time to talk about how mental health can effect people from time to time?”

As I spoke the lady looked straight at the man and then glanced away out of the window. The man literally turned his back to me and said, “No we don't know anyone with a mental illness.” I persisted a little bemused by the couples actions and said, “Maybe there's a friend of the family or some one that may like a leaflet?” “No” he said still not looking in my direction, "We don't know anyone with a mental illness!"

It's an unspoken issue

Tactfully I retreated back to the stall with a heavy heart and a puzzled mind. After we all got back to the office at Mind, we sat a talked about the day. To be honest I was more than a little taken aback by the lack of understanding of the people I approached but also by the lack of interest. I am not sure if this was a case of genuine discrimination or more about the way people are scared to admit that someone might be experiencing mental illness in their family or even experiencing it themselves.  Even today, it’s a kind of unspoken issue in a many circles of the community. I have no intention of being ‘in your face’ about the many diverse aspects of mental health. I don’t think I am strong enough to be able to talk at length to most people, even in my own family, but I have become some what of a mental health militant when it comes to talking about dignity, discrimination and respect for fellow service users, as we are now known as!

Following the event my Development Officer asked me if I could come up with some sort of ditty or rhyme that we could use on a leaflet. I explained I had never written anything in my life. She then said about saying something about the day’s events. I went into another room with a pen and paper, thinking about the conversation I had had with the couple. Within 15 minuets this poem had leaped in to my head. I suppose it was a measure of the passion I had then, but even more so now and having so many bad bouts of mental and physical ill health myself since then. It is a privilege to share this poem with you all now.

My poem

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Mind Poem

I would just like to acknowledge Clair Watkinson For making the video for this Blog ! Clair has been an Inspiration & has also filmed an award winning film regarding OCD, you can learn more about Clair & her campaign & the lovely people who will be featured in the forthcoming film. Living with me and my OCD, by looking on you tube & following the many links, Warmest Wishes as Always, Stephen.

great blog

Love the blog and the poem. Sorry you had a negative experience on the stand that day though.

Great blog !

Thank you for your Kind comments & for your concern regarding the negative experience, however on reflection I didnt feel it was too negative ? It certainly gave me something to think about, but as a result I was Inspired to write the poem & considering I had never done so before, it must have been a very powerful spur ? There is a saying & recently a song, that says : "What ever doesnt kill you, Makes you stronger" ? I am not sure that is true, but it has on this occasion it was ! My biggest concern is that due to the recent down turn in the quality of life for most people in the UK, every one seems to be looking for an excuse to blame anyone who is different in anyway what so ever from the perceived norm, what ever that is ? I have always believed ( Thankfully ) That Debate can stop the Hate ! & so long as we are all considerate of others needs & are able to Listen as well a Talk, we can get along together ? That is my hope for all, & for the future ! Warmest Wishes, Stephen Turner.

Talking about my Mental Health.

I struggle with anxiety and depression & also had a very traumatic childhood. Having suffered really bad domestic violence both physically and mentally through out the past years where my ex made me feel I was worthless. and growing up as a child seeing my mum getting abused physically and mentally by my father almost every single day as much as I can remember made things very hard for me to cope with everyday life. I now find it very difficult to communicate with people, sometime I stay in for days without going out. I saw my doctor the other day and she said I should move on with my life not forgetting its the same doctor who said to me you have been through so much. how do you forget this horrible things that have happened to you just like that? I moved away to start a new life but that first week I got attacked by a man one night on my way home about 1 year ago where he sexually abused me, he was arrested than released after 3days where the police said they was no evidence which made me feel very sick up to date' knowing what this man done to me and the police let him go. This is in my mind every single day and night, I wash my self 3times a day sometimes when am really down I don't even want to get out of bed. I want justice for what this man done to me but without the right help I can not move on. so its very difficult when a doctor says to you to move on!!!!! how does one do that???. I have tried consoling with the NHS but it made me feel worse every time I went. Am now trying to get myself motivated, and I hope that things will get better and return back to work soon. It is a privilege to be able to share my story with you. thank you.

Reply for Jennifer !

Hello Jennifer, I just wanted to say that its my privilege to have had my Blog posted, read & responded to by anyone but also for you to even consider sharing your Experience! I am not an expert but just like you & every one Ells when we go to see our GPs , They maybe the professionals but in reality its ourselves who are the Experts by our own experience's ? All pain either Physical or Physiological is Personal, & we suffer because of this. Even at 56 years old I have not been able as yet have not able to come to terms with my Trauma & I am still waiting for my local health Authorities to grant me funding to get the help for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that they have just admitted I have ? This ( Maybe & I stress the word Maybe ? ) What you could talk to your GP about, the other big thing that Helped Me to an extent but certainly not Cured, was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT as it is know, but even this has its limitations as this therapy, helps deal with what is going on Now in your life, It was very effective for me in dealing with why I was having those thoughts & How it was effecting My behaviour, for E/G why I developed OCD & Agoraphobia, the Agoraphobia meant that I was Trapped in my house for 5 years ! I still have the OCD but I have a better control over, I doubt that I will ever be rid of this. It MAY be of help & you can source advice from your GP. Now then having had some training in Person Centered Counselling, but again not being an expert, this (can) also have its limitations, as counsellor's can only help you reflect on your own experiences, making you, ( The Expert !) However with regards to the shocking attack you mention, I really am so sorry that such a thing has happened & I cannot even Imagine what you have been through, but as a Human Being I do feel for you ! The only thing other that, that I can say to you with hand on heart regarding this matter & I am not certain unfortunately if you will ever be able to forget what has happened to you ? But you need to find some sort of closure, Its all too easy for others to say "Move On"? Thats not what we need as humans, You have started doing exactly the right thing here, & that is Talking about your fears, its a little like having a Cut or Scratch ? The more you expose the wound to the fresh air the better it will become & That is Hopefully the sort of thing you are doing here ? It is very hard to begin with, but If you Can share it, with someone You, TRUST? Youve made a start

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