It was a couple of years ago that I first started to experience depression. For the first six months, I didn’t really talk to anyone about it. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems or add to their load. At the time, I felt like no one would be able to help, and talking about it wouldn’t solve the problem – they wouldn’t be able to fix it. I was determined to sort it out myself.
Looking back, I subconsciously held this belief that as a man I should be a fixer, a doer, needed but not needy - that was my purpose. I felt that talking about my feelings was a sign of weakness.
It was a bravado thing. I didn’t question why I felt I needed to fix things alone, I just did.
The problem was, that at no point growing up was I ever taught how to look after my mental health, or what to do if I needed help. No one ever talked about it at school or as I entered the workplace, so I didn’t know how to help myself. I didn’t believe I could fix it, and I felt suicidal.
When people asked ‘how are you?’ I said ‘I’m fine’, because that avoided sharing how I was really feeling. My wife, Amelia, could see past that - she knew I needed help. When I was finally ready to talk, she was there to listen. As soon as that living room door closed and we started to speak, I realised things could get better - but I had to accept I couldn’t do it alone.
Amelia helped me find solutions to my problems. She helped me to form a plan, find a counsellor, and told me I needed to take some time away from work.
I didn’t want to give her any of the control. I felt like everything else had been taken away from me, and I didn’t want to give that up too, but in order to feel better, I knew I had to accept the help.
Things didn’t get better instantly. I’ve had quite a few relapses along the way, and at times I felt like I’d failed to resolve my problems quickly enough. Feeling mentally healthy isn’t something you can set out to achieve in a specific timeframe, and it’s not like work where you have a deadline you need to meet either. Amelia’s helped me to see that I wasn’t on-the-clock, and her reassurance took some of that pressure off.
Amelia's story
Sam's wife Amelia has also blogged for us, writing about her experience of supporting Sam and the importance of listening in doing so.
One of our first challenges at the start of this journey was when I had to go on a work trip. She really didn’t want me to go, because she was worried about me, but I didn’t feel like I could miss it. Together, we came up with a form of communication that we could use while I was away. She’d ask “where are we?”, and I’d respond with a number between one and five: five being amazingly awesome, and one being at my lowest point where I needed help.
It was a way of communicating which relied on honesty.
Throughout the trip, Amelia would text me “number?” and I’d take a moment to reflect on how I was feeling, and answer truthy. If I replied with a two or one, Amelia knew she needed to call me and make sure I was somewhere safe. However, if I said I was at a three or above, she knew I was OK, and she didn’t need to call. She understood that hovering around a three was OK, as long as it doesn’t become a two or a one, because that’s a whisker away from 0. My mental health could change quickly, but the system meant she always knew how I was feeling, and how often to follow up.
The system helped us both massively in the early stages. It was a quick, simple way for me to share how I was feeling at any moment in time and it meant she always knew what level of support I needed, if any at all. It was so helpful that I’ve since shared the method with colleagues and friends so they can use it with their own loved ones too.
If you’re worried about someone, it’s important to let them know you’re there.
If they open up to you, listen to them. You can share videos or information with them which you think might help, but don’t overload them. Let what you’ve said or sent settle in and give them some time to reflect.
I know supporting me has been difficult for Amelia at times, but she’s never given up on me. She’s always been there, and I know she always will be. With her guidance, I’ve used what has been a negative experience to create positive change. She showed me it’s OK to talk about how I’m feeling, and I’ve passed the message on. I’m now initiating conversations about mental health, sharing my story, and helping others. It’s OK to talk, and we don’t have to fix things alone.
Our Ask Twice campaign
The world has changed. Being a mate doesn’t have to. Three out of four men won’t open up to friends about their mental health for fear of being seen as a burden. Find out more about our campaign and help us get more people asking twice today.