It’s easy to get tunnel vision when you’re campaigning for the end of stigma and discrimination towards mental health because you just want everyone to accept sufferers for who they are, to understand that we are not freaks of nature. But most importantly because we want people to start talking openly about mental health.
But we haven’t addressed “the aftermath” have we – the conversations that take place after someone’s been honest about their mental health problem. We also don’t address how that kind of news can make you feel…
I think that people react to news of a friends’ mental illness like hearing that someone has died, as if the friend they knew has died and will never be seen again, a revelation that they will need to mourn; whilst some mental illnesses do completely change a person, it is not as many as people think.
I personally think that they should react to the news like a breakup, because it’s like getting rid of the false you, and creating an opportunity to grow as the real you; and after a breakup what do people normally do…guys have a lad’s night out, and girls have a girly night in.
There’s no manual on how such a conversation should go
But what do you do after you hear this news? You’ve just been told that someone you know suffers from a mental illness, which you may or may not have noticed by the way, and I imagine that you’re beyond shocked. There’s no manual on how such a conversation should go or on how to feel afterwards.
I remember that people I told felt guilty because I had suffered so long by myself and they hadn’t noticed, but also upset as they thought that I didn’t trust them enough to tell them before now. I had to explain that it isn’t a question of trust at all, your most trusted friend in the world wouldn’t know unless you wanted them to because it isn’t about the person you’re telling, it’s about being ready to tell in the first place.
there will probably be mixed reactions because people are all different
As with any kind of news, there will probably be mixed reactions because people are all different; if you’ve just found out that someone you know suffers from a mental illness, here’s a small tip that will help improve relations between you… don’t just talk about mental illness.
The thing about suffering from a mental illness is that it makes you feel as though you’re not normal, when the fact is that actually, you are; just because your mind works differently to someone else’s, doesn’t make you any more or less normal than they are.
Just because I’ve suffered with mental illness, doesn’t mean I’ve stopped watching Eastenders
For me, the most uplifting times were when someone would invite me out for lunch or a drink, or just to come round for a good old natter. Just because I’ve suffered with mental illness, doesn’t mean I’ve stopped watching Eastenders, or that I don’t go clubbing, or that I can’t be sympathetic when something goes wrong in your life…I still do all of those things, as does nearly everyone who suffers with a mental illness.
Life as you know it doesn’t stop when you’ve told people you suffer with a mental illness, in fact it’s quite the opposite – life kind of begins after opening up, because you’re at peace with who you really are, and you want others to know who you are too. But you’re still the same person really; mental illness isn’t who you are, it’s a part of you.
ignore the instinct to run a mile
So I would ask that you ignore the instinct to run a mile, keep your distance or avoid talking to that person at all; yes, your friend needs you, but more importantly, your friend needs to you be normal. If you’re unsure about how to start a conversation, then just remember these top tips:-
- A few small words
- Avoid clichés
- Find out more
- Give them time
- Don’t just talk about mental health.
If someone has just told you that they suffer from mental illness, it doesn’t change the fact that they are still your friend; so please, continue to treat them like one.
