Suicide is a big word! From seeing it portrayed in the media to reading people’s personal stories, either a family’s experience or the person themselves, it can be scary to even think about. My journey with it began when someone close to me experienced suicidal thoughts, but I never really understood what they were going through at the time, how it could affect someone mentally and physically – feeling so low and wanting to never tell anyone about what you’re going through.
I have experienced mental health problems since I was 15 and, for a while, I thought I would never be able to achieve anything. Even now there are times when I feel so alone, I sit in the dark crying whilst the voices inside my head scream at me and make me doubt everything. They even make me doubt that I have friends, that I have anyone who cares about me. Today though, I took a step back and realised that, though in my darkest moments when I don’t think anybody cares, they really do. I want to talk about six people in particular.
I was about to take some goods (highly expensive goods!) to Scunthorpe Hospital and I just couldn't face it anymore. It's hard to describe the feeling; the saying “my minds going 100mph” is cliché, but that’s what it felt like. My thoughts were racing, going in every direction possible. It consumed me, taking over my every thought until it became to much. Now, everybody’s response is different; mine just happens to be wishing I wasn't here anymore. So walked out without saying a word, drove home and I was planning on not having to deal with the consequences, if you catch my drift!?
During my life, I have suffered with severe depression. Being a professional sportsman and trying to put up a front all the time became exhausting. I reached the top of my sport, but getting there resulted in my breakdown, and subsequently my suicide attempts and early retirement. The chronic lack of self esteem and while trying to remain confident to family, friends and for my career was too much.